damien

so I posted this blod on myspace a few days ago and I wanted to share it with all of my firneds here hope you al had a good weekend.

So for about the past month I can honestly tell you I was in the most despair I have ever felt in my entire life, and because of it I did things to mask the pain because I wanted to forget, I wanted to forget that I even exsisted to be honest with you, it got to the point where I couldnt spend one night being sober, it was really beginning to take its toll on me though mentally, physically, and spiritually, when I looked in the mirror I didnt see myself anymore, hell I dont know who it was but she kind of reminded me of a ghost that couldnt move on because of something bad that happend that she couldnt let go of, I was honestly hauntng my own house, not living, not flourinshing, just dwelling in the dark, I really have shut most people out, but in all honestly I needed to do that to evaluate who my real friends are and who was "just along for the ride". I can tell you now there wont be too many of you that I will ever be in contact with again because I have come to learn who my real friends are and who just wanted something from me, or thought I could benefit them in some way or another, call me a bitch, whatever, I expected that, I dont have time in my life anymore to try to make you guys happy, my intentions will always be good, and I would never want to bring pain or discomfort on anybody on purpose, and if I do, I apologize, but I am not getting any younger and I want to actually enjoy the rest of my life, I never ever want to experience agony like that anymore, some of you may already understand what I am talking about, some of you, just wait and see, once you experience pain on that level, you will never look at life the same again. Then you will understand where I am coming from.



So moving foward, I finally forced myself to quit drinking, it was hard at first but I knew it had to be done, so far so good actually, I feel much more in control of my own actions and thoughts, much more calm, much more thankful to be alive, although this experience sucked the spirit out of me, I still have other things to live for, its getting easier each day, not to say that the pain dosent still come back on a daily basis, I have just been able to finally cope and not let it consume me.



So oddly enough, ever since I quit drinking, and actually I am tyring to quit somking too so its been a little while since I had a cigarette as well, I have been having some really weird dreams, no matter what the situation or scenario in the dream are always these people that have really hurt me bad in the past, my dad, my step mom, Scott, Tom, others, I am thinking to myself, why all of a sudden are these people who I have had no contact with for a long time suddenly bombarded my dreams?? then I have come to think that maybe, as all this shit and poison lets itself out of my body, they are going with it, and for the first time in a long time, I was happy and hopeful to wake up, and alothough its raining, its beautiful outside and I intend to enjoy it.