One year ago today my brother decided to end his life. Let me tell you about my experience.
January 20th I made an apple pie, you remember. The one with the spiral apple crust because I ran out of crust dough. I was so proud of it I planned on bringing pieces to my parents the next day. I put it off because it was cold and the driving conditions weren't perfect. I put it off again because the same reason. That night, the night of the 22nd I was inconsolable about being overwhelmed with the feeling of loss. My partner at the time almost took me to the hospital. I'd never felt like that before. I wanted to die and I had no idea why. The morning of the 23rd sometime between 8 and 9am I felt something leave my body. Something wasn't right, I couldn't put off going to my parents again and I felt so weird I needed to see them. So I text my dad at 11:11am saying I was on my way. My dad wasn't home when I got there but I just assumed he hadn't gone on lunch yet so I waited for him to get there before I went my mom's. Little did I know he was consoling my mom at my brothers house as the ambulance is taking my brother to the hospital. My mom was the one who found him, and did chest compressions and cpr until the ambulance came and restarted his heart. So I'm at my dad's and as I'm leaving the bathroom my dad opens the back door. Me excited to see him I start jumping up and down with a huge smile on my face. I immediately knew something was wrong because of the speed my dad had coming from the back door to the living room. Very unusual for him. Compassion mode kicked in and I ran to hug him asking if everything is ok. Knowing my dad doesn't get upset easily in the slightest. He said "No. It's your brother" I contained my impatience to let him speak at his own pace and kept my composure before him saying "he attempted suicide" I'll be honest, I wasn't as surprised as you'd think hearing that. I focused on the word "attempted" I calmed him down and suggested we went to the hospital ASAP. We did. We waited in the ER waiting room for what felt like hours. It was 20-30 minutes. My mom comes out of the ER and we all hug and cry. My mom says that he's getting tests done and we can go in after they're done, she takes us outside and tells us what happened over the last three days and gave us the story on how and why he did it. We go back and see my brother is unconscious. I knew there was no getting him back after I saw the Dr shined a flashlight in his eyes and nothing happened. No cough reflex. No brain activity what so ever but his heart was still beating. The Dr had told us his basal temp suggested he was down for over two hours before his heart was started again. He got transfered to an ER room where we took turns spending the night with him. My mom played music for him and the 24th we realized we hadn't eaten anything yet so we go down to the food court and we got his favorite chicken Caesar salad wraps and I saw that it also happened to be mac and cheese day. My favorite my dad said something along the lines of "he knew" I smiled and said thank you Joe and the Mac and cheese was amazing. My mom spent the 24th night with him. January 25th was my night. I brought my switch, our childhood bed time stories book and sudoku. I pulled up close to my brothers bed, put my switch in his lap and explained what I was playing and doing. I spoke about how I was playing animal crossing everyday for 3 months straight just to check the nook stop for one specific fence that I needed for my orchard. After that I read him Hansel and Gretle and then sudokued until I fell asleep. I didn't sleep but a couple hours total. The next day our parents are there talking to the Dr. and since it was information I already knew I pulled out my switch. To my surprise I see that the fence I had been waiting for for 3 months was there. I blurted out "the fence!" because I legit couldn't contain myself, I knew he heard me. He made it happen. This is when I first cried. In that moment I knew my brother was there just not physically. I took this as him wanting me to be happy, have things that I want and that he would always have my back. Of course loss is different for everyone and our parents definitely weren't as quick to accept it as I was but I didn't expect them to in the slightest. The 26th rolls around and still no brain activity so we decided to donate his vital organs and he was pronounced dead. They did everything they could to regenerate what they could and find donors. He was then transferred to the gift of life center where we had our last goodbyes on the 29th. His heart still beats to this day, his liver is in two places on this earth and his lungs still breathe air. My brother saved 4 lives. I dream of him often and he tells me that he's happy and safe. I miss my brother everyday and I kick myself for not noticing the spiritual connection we had until it was too late. Cherish your siblings. They're the most important relationship you can have.
