daisy

My head is wrecked. Like, completly all over the place, and up until now i've used this journal to vent, as you all know. But i can't even do that anymore.

Drama follows me around. Sometimes i think i create the drama, and sometimes, when i'm doing nothing i find myself right in the middle of a huge mess. Like now. I'm quite used to the messes i get myself into. I know how to fix things up again, and i'm quite good at it too. But when someone who's not used to me and my drama gets involved it's sticky.

What i don't think people actually understand is that suicidegirls isn't real life. I have my real life, and my internet life. Daisy isn't me. I mean, it physically is me. But in real life i'm dull and geeky and clumsy. And sweet. And loyal, and a really good friend. And over the internet i can hide those things. I can pretend i'm cool and interesting. And hard, well, harder than i am in real life. And i like that.

But somewhere along the way, internet and real life got muddled up.

I want people to form an opinion of me based on me, Emma. Not Daisy. I mean Daisy is a big part of me, and i'm hugely proud, but i'm Emma. I'm nice, and innocent and girly and loud. I'm really fucking nice.

People always ask why i did suicidegirls, and i can never really answer them. I mean, i'm not hugely alternative, i'm not all that attractive. I'm cute at best. It's a question i still can't really answer. I like my pictures, but that's all they are, pretty pictures.

But in saying that, i don't want this to start messing up my real life. My real life is the one i have to live every day. I don't mind people knowing, hells, it's inevitable to some degree. Most people are shocked, and impressed. I would be. But like i said, when it starts messing things up, i need to stand back and look at what's going on. I've met someone that i like. Someone that interests me, and i think maybe we could get on. I want to find out. But this someone found out about this site, and doesn't know if he can be ok with it. I know before anyone says it that if me and this person have any chance of getting on, they'd need to be ok with it. And if they're not ok, it wasn't really meant to be. But still, i just think it would be a huge shame. I want to get to know him, and see if we get on.

That's what it boils down to. What a confusing start to the year.

Have i mentioned that i completly adore Erin McKeown? If you havne't heard her, you should. Her voice makes me smile. Listen to her, and i swear you'll love her voice too.

So, back to sitting and fretting now that's i've got all that off my chest.