Journal 26
Death.
I think about death a lot. More than I think most people do. Not in the "Oh, I want to die" gothic way, well not too too often. I know I'm going to die, I'm ok with that. I'd rather not know. I think. When? Don't wanna know. When it comes I want it to be a surprise, and I hope I take it with the grace that Leary did.
When I think of death, I think about what will happen when I'm gone. Not heaven and hell, but this world. Will I have touched anyone to be remebered, maybe told stories about to their grandkids, or in bars? Who will cry? Who will laugh? Who won't give a fuck.
Sean recently posted about the drama queens who want the attention leaving brings, but really I think we all want attention, just some take it too far. I, personally, refuse to do what they do. I refuse to leave and come back, leave and come back. I don't threaten suicide, then come and claim I'm all better until I need more reassurance. But really I'd like to do what the guy in It's A Wonderful Life did, except instead of never being born, I want to die suddenly. I know for sure that 3 people, besides family, will miss me. That's it. But those 3 mean the world to me.
Really, I would like to see about the old friends that stopped comming round, to see if they balk. See if the kids from school would even remember me. Who would say I had it comming? That kinda shit. I wanna see what ripples I make in the world.
Death.
I think about death a lot. More than I think most people do. Not in the "Oh, I want to die" gothic way, well not too too often. I know I'm going to die, I'm ok with that. I'd rather not know. I think. When? Don't wanna know. When it comes I want it to be a surprise, and I hope I take it with the grace that Leary did.
When I think of death, I think about what will happen when I'm gone. Not heaven and hell, but this world. Will I have touched anyone to be remebered, maybe told stories about to their grandkids, or in bars? Who will cry? Who will laugh? Who won't give a fuck.
Sean recently posted about the drama queens who want the attention leaving brings, but really I think we all want attention, just some take it too far. I, personally, refuse to do what they do. I refuse to leave and come back, leave and come back. I don't threaten suicide, then come and claim I'm all better until I need more reassurance. But really I'd like to do what the guy in It's A Wonderful Life did, except instead of never being born, I want to die suddenly. I know for sure that 3 people, besides family, will miss me. That's it. But those 3 mean the world to me.
Really, I would like to see about the old friends that stopped comming round, to see if they balk. See if the kids from school would even remember me. Who would say I had it comming? That kinda shit. I wanna see what ripples I make in the world.
as for suicide. well. i'll tell you from experience that if you try and fail (whether you're trying to die, or just half-assing it for the attention, or what-have-you... me i just wanted some sleep) you come out looking like an even bigger loser.
"wow, dude- you can't even do that right? sheeesh..."
i do wanna go out right, though. pomp and circumstance. none of this bullshit about peace and being "ready"... because i'll never be "ready". i'll have to go kicking and screaming. not that i'm afraid of dying. nope. the afore-mentioned bout with death cleared up those issues. it's more just plain stubborness on my part, i think.
and i want everyone to remember me with a beer in one hand, a cigarette hanging out of my mouth, whiskey, drawing on napkins, yelling at walls and picking fights with frat boys. and i want 'em to remember that i'd never sell out a friend, i was always nice to kids, old people and animals, and that i could raise hell with the best of 'em in a mosh pit.
hell. i figure if anyone does it, i'll be the first bastard to pull a fast one on Death and live forever. well. or die trying.
as you can tell, i too am a little over-obsessed with this whole death business.
xoxo, -Hyena.