cold, lonely, afraid, depressed, apathetic.
For the Atheists:
have you ever been so depressed that, or some other horrible feeling, to the point that even though you don't believe in god, you wish that you did, just so that you would have someone to comfort you. Someone you could talk to without fear, someone to hold you, to carry you. That someone will be there waiting for you when and if you sum up the courage to actually pull the trigger instead of just sucking on the damn thing.
I hate being in the place that i am in right now, i'm literally numb, i feel like i'm burned out, like i smoked too much green. The bottom is cold. I can't concentrate for shit, i can't sleep worth shit either. I feel stuck in this perpetual spiral, always looking downward, the light above is too bright to even think about looking back up the tunnel at.
everyone is disapointed in me, non more so then myself, i'm better then this, better then what i have become, where did i go wrong, which desicion was it that set me on this path of self-destruction?
I give my heart too freely and my love not enough.
i am now unemployed again, i told Doug that i wasn't working out, i don't have the attention to detail that i need for detailing cars, he'd just end up redoing the whole thing anyways. but i left on a good note at least, he wasn't mad at all. in fact i think that he was actually happy about me deciding to leave. i felt like i was always in the way, taking up valuble space and wasting his money.
i swore i'd never work in fast food but i'm gonna go apply for it anyways. anything that has to do with customer service and money handling i can do, i'm good at it, because it's all i've done, all i've allowed myself to do. i should have done better in school. taken more classes, concentrated on myself, getting myself somewhere. instead of trying to make my girlfriends of the moment happy. becuase all thats left me with is heartache, depression, $15,000 of debt, and a raging urge to go kill myself. and why wouldn't that be a bad thing? sure the few people that would miss me would get over it soon enough, i've never let myself get that close to anyone before. and the only person i did ripped out my heart ate it shat it out shoved it down my throat made me shit it out and smeared it back all over my face.
but of course, one of my lacking qualities be courage, i have not the will to even pull that trigger. stuck in that place where you can do nothing for yourself. i do it for sue, for all the love she has given me, all the chances she has taken on me, for ian, the best friend i have ever known, the only person that could put a smile on my face without even trying, for mer, because she is someone that i feel is actually on the same wavelength about the state of things, that it just feels good to have someone that you can connect with on that level, for my brother sam, because i'm his big brother, what would he do without me, what kind of example would that be to set for him, what does my example matter to him though, he's already done so much more then i have, i'm proud of him, and for markeya, the markeya that i used to know, the one that was in love with, the one i walked three hours for, just to see for 5 minutes, the one that made me cry when she was gone for a week, just because i missed her, the one that made me change from the path i was on, for she made nothing else matter, but not forgotten, things got done, i met goals. but all for the wrong reasons it seems now.
i have two packs of cigarettes left, from the carton that i bought 3 days ago, smoking seems my only escape, something that i've done for as long as i can remember, take me back to the times when things were happier.
tell me that i'm dreaming, whisper words to me to turn this nightmare into a sweet release. a dream from which i would never wish to wake from.
my eyes burn from tears just shed, dried out from the lack of tears i have left to shed for the problems mounting.
i wake up, in the morning, evening, the dead of night; and my first thought, is the thought of when i will get to return to sleep, the days are far to long and the nights far to short, when you have nothing to wake for, sleep seems so much more inviting. i've only bene in this trian of thought once before. and now i wonder did i ever break out of that train of thought, or was i simply hiding from it, waking to an illusion one morning that i was happy. because even if i was i want to return to it, bring it back to me. but who is going to bring it back to me? certianly not this god that i don't believe in no matter how much i wish it to be so. no, this is a job that only i can handle, regardless of the amount of whining, bitching, or complaining that i do. to admit it was all my fault and that i need to do something is the first step. so i admit it, but do i really, of course not, that would be unnatural.
Red
Sun
Fuck
For the Atheists:
have you ever been so depressed that, or some other horrible feeling, to the point that even though you don't believe in god, you wish that you did, just so that you would have someone to comfort you. Someone you could talk to without fear, someone to hold you, to carry you. That someone will be there waiting for you when and if you sum up the courage to actually pull the trigger instead of just sucking on the damn thing.
I hate being in the place that i am in right now, i'm literally numb, i feel like i'm burned out, like i smoked too much green. The bottom is cold. I can't concentrate for shit, i can't sleep worth shit either. I feel stuck in this perpetual spiral, always looking downward, the light above is too bright to even think about looking back up the tunnel at.
everyone is disapointed in me, non more so then myself, i'm better then this, better then what i have become, where did i go wrong, which desicion was it that set me on this path of self-destruction?
I give my heart too freely and my love not enough.
i am now unemployed again, i told Doug that i wasn't working out, i don't have the attention to detail that i need for detailing cars, he'd just end up redoing the whole thing anyways. but i left on a good note at least, he wasn't mad at all. in fact i think that he was actually happy about me deciding to leave. i felt like i was always in the way, taking up valuble space and wasting his money.
i swore i'd never work in fast food but i'm gonna go apply for it anyways. anything that has to do with customer service and money handling i can do, i'm good at it, because it's all i've done, all i've allowed myself to do. i should have done better in school. taken more classes, concentrated on myself, getting myself somewhere. instead of trying to make my girlfriends of the moment happy. becuase all thats left me with is heartache, depression, $15,000 of debt, and a raging urge to go kill myself. and why wouldn't that be a bad thing? sure the few people that would miss me would get over it soon enough, i've never let myself get that close to anyone before. and the only person i did ripped out my heart ate it shat it out shoved it down my throat made me shit it out and smeared it back all over my face.
but of course, one of my lacking qualities be courage, i have not the will to even pull that trigger. stuck in that place where you can do nothing for yourself. i do it for sue, for all the love she has given me, all the chances she has taken on me, for ian, the best friend i have ever known, the only person that could put a smile on my face without even trying, for mer, because she is someone that i feel is actually on the same wavelength about the state of things, that it just feels good to have someone that you can connect with on that level, for my brother sam, because i'm his big brother, what would he do without me, what kind of example would that be to set for him, what does my example matter to him though, he's already done so much more then i have, i'm proud of him, and for markeya, the markeya that i used to know, the one that was in love with, the one i walked three hours for, just to see for 5 minutes, the one that made me cry when she was gone for a week, just because i missed her, the one that made me change from the path i was on, for she made nothing else matter, but not forgotten, things got done, i met goals. but all for the wrong reasons it seems now.
i have two packs of cigarettes left, from the carton that i bought 3 days ago, smoking seems my only escape, something that i've done for as long as i can remember, take me back to the times when things were happier.
tell me that i'm dreaming, whisper words to me to turn this nightmare into a sweet release. a dream from which i would never wish to wake from.
my eyes burn from tears just shed, dried out from the lack of tears i have left to shed for the problems mounting.
i wake up, in the morning, evening, the dead of night; and my first thought, is the thought of when i will get to return to sleep, the days are far to long and the nights far to short, when you have nothing to wake for, sleep seems so much more inviting. i've only bene in this trian of thought once before. and now i wonder did i ever break out of that train of thought, or was i simply hiding from it, waking to an illusion one morning that i was happy. because even if i was i want to return to it, bring it back to me. but who is going to bring it back to me? certianly not this god that i don't believe in no matter how much i wish it to be so. no, this is a job that only i can handle, regardless of the amount of whining, bitching, or complaining that i do. to admit it was all my fault and that i need to do something is the first step. so i admit it, but do i really, of course not, that would be unnatural.
Red
Sun
Fuck