daekrys

i'm in a mood, and it's right on time. the mood i get into when i've been left alone for too long. had too much time to think. and the words won't come to me, they won't come into my head and tell me how i feel. because i am confused, and i don't know whats going on. and like a bad episode i sit through this for i know it will pass. i twidle my thumbs, and bounce my leg, and rock myself into a half-way sleep. a state where my vision blurs and the pains of my world slip out of focus. they concern me not anymore because i float above them. if left to myself i'd fade away as dust saturating in a sea of emoion. and thne a cramp pulls tight in my back, and it rips me back to the real world. and again i'm alone with the empty void in my gut. nothing is funny, nothing hurts, i feel no joy. i want to cry, i want to smile, i want to tear down these walls around me. and yet i know the form of things must be kept. order overwhelms and i am not the one with the power or the right to bring it all crashing down around myself. and my mind starts to drift, and i think of amber, what could happen here. whatever it is, i don't want to think about it, too many possibilities. i wish to enjoy the moments i have with her, the smell of her hair, the softness of her skin, her hand in mine, the way that for no reason sometimes she just looks up at me and stares. she doesn't say anything, just pierces my soul with her big beautiful eyes. and i know now that i did not belong with serena or markeya, i may not even belong with amber. but at least she has helped wipe the crust from my tired eyes and shown me all of this. another cigarette, more poison to my already dead body, why do i kill myself like i do? i want to stop, to stop all the bad things that i do. i'm the worst kind of hippocrit, no to other people, but to myself, when you lie to yourself whats the point, it goes against the natural instinct. i want to cry, i wish amber would just show up right now and hold me, shes only a block away at her aunt's house. i got the new green day, i like it, i remember sitting on my friend shaun's front steps when i was younger, listening to dookie. my first taste of music that i felt in me. i miss the younger days, but i suppose a lot of us do. i can't look at old pictures, they make me want to cry to. how broken of a man am i? can i fix myself? could anyone fix me, break me out of what i have become, or is this simply how i was always meant to be, is there a god and does he have a plan for me?my back hurts, my cists are acting up again, all the scars...it's so uglyi wish i was beautiful. the soup won't take off this filth. my bear is looking at me, wanting to put spiders in my mouth, what would that feel like? uncomfortable i assume, i don't like spiders as it is. there is a fly in my bedroom. i let him walk on me, i didn't shooo him away like i normaly do, i just let him do what he was made to do.i want to do what i was meant to do, i want to know what i was put here for. i think that this is the worst i have ever been before, is this a disease? i wish i had to go to work now, that would snap me out of this mood, but i still have 3 hours till i have to be there, i saw jake at target today, he told me that i should go get a job at All Hours Towing, so on monday i will try to go down there and apply. i think that 2+2 should equal 3, because i fucking said so. if i take the bible that my grandma got me and burn it will i go to hell even if christianity isn't the true faith? just on a moral base would that make me a bad person? amber...she keeps popping into my head...if i had a super power it would be the ability to control time, what could be more powerful then the ability to control time?io think that i need to stop writing, i swear to god that i am not drunk or stoned or on anything.....high on life i guess.