So..... Blaire came over Tuesday night to help me Dye my hair (pictures to come eventually) and when she picked me up from work she mentioned that we needed to talk later. So we purchased stuff to dye my hair and went home and dyed my hair and while it was all soaking in .... we talked..... she.... she...god this is so hard to say. I have been crying on and off since tuesday night ..... With everything going on in her life with all the changes and emotions going on. Not just with me but with everything.... She can't handle being in a relationship with me right now. She admits she has never had anyone be as good to me as caring or as loving but.... Everything is just to much for her and..... me being sick is part of it.....
She doesn't want this to be an END. We still talk and she is coming with me to my doctors appointment next tuesday but........ I know she says its not but it feels like the same thing that always happens to me is happening to me again. All i want is someone who won't push me away or run away. My emotions and my world is barely holding together right now. I was supposed to go out with her and a few of her and of my friends on Halloween to Nocturna( a goth/industrial club) but.... i just can't. I'll want her and I'll want more than i can have and....it will just hurt to much.
I had gotten to a point in my life where i had given up finding someone who would treat me good and make me truly happy and... then i found her and now..... I fucked up... I shared with her about me and my heart and my being sick and wanted her to be there for me and..... she ran and .... i just fucked up and i don't know what to do. She says that once she has worked through things we can start again but.... I've heard similar lines before and........
She doesn't want this to be an END. We still talk and she is coming with me to my doctors appointment next tuesday but........ I know she says its not but it feels like the same thing that always happens to me is happening to me again. All i want is someone who won't push me away or run away. My emotions and my world is barely holding together right now. I was supposed to go out with her and a few of her and of my friends on Halloween to Nocturna( a goth/industrial club) but.... i just can't. I'll want her and I'll want more than i can have and....it will just hurt to much.
I had gotten to a point in my life where i had given up finding someone who would treat me good and make me truly happy and... then i found her and now..... I fucked up... I shared with her about me and my heart and my being sick and wanted her to be there for me and..... she ran and .... i just fucked up and i don't know what to do. She says that once she has worked through things we can start again but.... I've heard similar lines before and........
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I DO feel like I should tell HER she isnt a horrible person either.
Look, I worry all the time that the men I have dated would react this way. And some of them have. Some of them havent. The ones that DIDNT were wonderful in some ways, but if they were so wonderful, why am I not with them now? The ones that couldnt deal, well 1. they have their own demons to chase. 2. it isnt easy to watch someone you care about be sick. Its scary and it hurts. Some ppl just arent ready for something like that. Dont fault them. Accept them for who they are and either let them get ready, or move on. You held back for a long time, and when you finally let go, she didnt react like you wanted. But she reacted the only way she knew how. You love her for who she is, well thats who she is. Accept that and hope for the best. Dont have unrealistic expectations, just hope that one day she will be ok with it, and if not, there ARE other women out there.
AND before ppl jump on me for this, I speak from personal experience. YOU know that hun. I have been dealing with this my whole life and just came to the realization that life is too short. Accept me or dont. It will hurt but I am strong. I HAVE to be to deal with the diseases I have!
SO you take care. I agree. Try to do something fun. In 5, 10, 20, 30 or how ever many years, do you really wanna look back and think "I should have cared less what other ppl thought and enjoyed all the time I could"??