cyanyde

Lying in bed...exhausted today. The last couple of days actually have been days to relax & be lazy. I've been allowing myself the time to do that more often lately. Not just because I want to, but because I've needed to. I have a bad habit of overexerting myself & not realizing it until the next day...when it's too late. So, I'm trying to pace myself with things & take it slowly. I get really anxious when I want or need to do things. In earlier times in my life, I would push myself in doing something until it was finished without any problems. Well, I've come to realize that those days are over. It's hard to accept when your chronic body aliments are telling you "no", when you've been accustomed to it being totally different. It's really frustrating sometimes, but I'm getting better dealing with it & doing only what I should do & no more than I should do. This requires regular resting sessions occassionally with ice packs/heating pad to allow my body to be revived to finish whatever I need to.

This I've said to preface as to why this is necessary. I've been plagued with a lot of neck & back pain lately & can't seem to get control of it. It's pretty much tolerable most of the time, and I have good days & bad days.

These things really put a damper on my daily activites, not only does it affect me physically, but it affects me mentally & emotionally as well. I hate that I can no longer clean my whole apt. in one day like I used to. I hate that my muscles are weaker than they used to be, so I can't move things, pkp things, and that I have to suffer pain sumtimes for a couple of days if I want to go out, walk around, exercise, go out dancing, partying, etc.

So anyway, that's what my last post was about. I just wanted to explain as there were some misinterpretations. I suppose I should have supplied more details, but instead I made myself sound like some crazy junky on a pill binge. Perhaps I should have said that I put myself in a situation that caused myself some physical pain & discomfort, and I was sooooo tired but couldn't sleep because of sharp pains shooting down my back into my leg & muscle spasms shooting through my neck down my arm. That's why I was curious about the sleeping pills, and I was just really frustrated, tired, and delirious with pain induced sleep deprivation. I just didn't want to take too many. I still wasn't asleep after 3 hours & after taking 2 1/2 sleeping pills. I did fall asleep though...eventually.

I have been working on photos I'll be sharing, projects to share, & more updates, etc., as well as more videos to come soon. I'm trying to kick it up a notch & start/finish some things that need to be finished, & hopefully getting some things in order to do some things I've been wanting to do. I'm finally getting motivated & getting closer to getting things going. Although one of those things is some MAJOR spring cleaning that I've put off for a long time because it really sucks, but I really need to do it. I am finally getting that done little by little, and it feels good being productive & ridding my life of utter clutter! There is a reason, but it's not definite yet so I'm not gonna say until I'm sure about it.

Just so you guys are somewhat updated on me & know why I haven't been around much lately and know that it's not because I'm strung out on sleeping pills. I'll be around here & there to check & respond to messages when I have some free time, but I'm trying to stay focused on some things right now so I'll be kinda scarce for a little bit longer. I intended to update more tonight because I hadn't counted on my sleeping pill kicking in so soon, but unfortunately, it has, so I'm gonna have to cut it short. Plus, I have a busy day tomorrow & need to hit the sack. Perhaps I'll have some photos to post in the next few days though at least. I hope you all are doing great & I'll be chatting with ya soon!

Nitey nite!
xoxo


P.S. Sex is still great...and I didn't break my back! Haha! Although some pain incurred for the sake of sex is totally worth it to me, but one's pain threshold is dramatically increased during the throws of passion anyway.