I have decided that in order to not be depressed, I can just go around being very over-the-top idiotic and/or assholish (on purpose, of course)... Cause that way, when someone would, say, call me an asshole (or I'd feel like an ass for something I had done), I would know that it was because I was doing a good job...
Rock it...
Yeah, like that...
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Rock it...
Yeah, like that...
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VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
flux:
yeah, i really shouldn't be going.
scylla:
Yeah, I noticed you guys putting up the decorations... superrad! 
Ya know, there are times, that I think to myself, "wow, I suck."
Then there are other times... When I'm asleep.
That's mostly it these days, and that sucks.
I hate depression... It's so illogical. And yeah, love's pretty damn illogical, but it's happiness...
I guess emotions in general aren't very logical, but whatever... My major skill (namely, my mathematically reasoning mind - ever striving...
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Then there are other times... When I'm asleep.
That's mostly it these days, and that sucks.
I hate depression... It's so illogical. And yeah, love's pretty damn illogical, but it's happiness...
I guess emotions in general aren't very logical, but whatever... My major skill (namely, my mathematically reasoning mind - ever striving...
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tygertyger:
Ever read Johnny the Homicidal Maniac? It gave me something to think about in that regard.
Every time I see her, it hurts... It hurts because all I really want to do is give her a hug, and nuzzle my face in next to her neck... Losing myself in her... But I can't. She won't let me. She'll hug me, but in the way of a friend, not the way she used to...
Love hurts, and I don't think that I...
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Love hurts, and I don't think that I...
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flux:
i'm so sorry that you have to be going through this, darlin'. loneliness is even more of a burden when you used to be full. and those hugs with that little bit missingoh God, i have felt that ache. but we can't lose ourselves now. being strong is easy to talk about, yet hard to do. i'm working on it. i hope you can, too.
as always, you know where i live. take care. be well.
the universe is unfolding as it should.
as always, you know where i live. take care. be well.
the universe is unfolding as it should.
scylla:
I'm sorry it's so crappy 
It's one of the really hard things about dating, esp. in a place like this, is interacting with them every day, trying to be civil and even friends even though there's all of this awkward and hurt... I keep seeing my ex (aka sid vicious) everywhere... and he's always with the same girl. It's been a couple of months but it still hurts to see him... I tried to be friends with him for a while but realized I didn't have that kind of strength...
I hope you are able to feel comfortable around her eventually, it is a long and painful process.. but you have lots of friends to help... *hugs*
It's one of the really hard things about dating, esp. in a place like this, is interacting with them every day, trying to be civil and even friends even though there's all of this awkward and hurt... I keep seeing my ex (aka sid vicious) everywhere... and he's always with the same girl. It's been a couple of months but it still hurts to see him... I tried to be friends with him for a while but realized I didn't have that kind of strength...
I hope you are able to feel comfortable around her eventually, it is a long and painful process.. but you have lots of friends to help... *hugs*
I need a hug again...
And again, I don't get one...
Bah. I hate life. I hate loneliness.
And again, I don't get one...
Bah. I hate life. I hate loneliness.
fictionmusic:
"I'm just a DJ-how cool is that?"
Are you kidding? Thats what is cool these days. No just about it.
I know what you mean about the drug thing. Last year I almost died from them (real close!) and now I'm totally clean.
They did work though in a weird way. They took me slowly to the place where I needed to make some real choices.
[Edited on Nov 20, 2003 5:52PM]
[Edited on Nov 20, 2003 5:52PM]
Are you kidding? Thats what is cool these days. No just about it.
I know what you mean about the drug thing. Last year I almost died from them (real close!) and now I'm totally clean.
They did work though in a weird way. They took me slowly to the place where I needed to make some real choices.
[Edited on Nov 20, 2003 5:52PM]
[Edited on Nov 20, 2003 5:52PM]
Limbo sucks... It's not as though I don't have friends... It's not as though no one will listen (though I know most people don't really want to listen...)... It's not as though I'm not a worthwhile person...
It's as though I have a lot of friends... It's as though people have expressed that they'll listen... It's as though I am worthwhile...
Logically I understand all...
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It's as though I have a lot of friends... It's as though people have expressed that they'll listen... It's as though I am worthwhile...
Logically I understand all...
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mei:
of course, i can't say anything but "i almost understand."
i too feel like logically, i can't be alone forever, but like that must be how it's going to be, emotionally.
and don't be too down on the "sympathetic friends." it's a hard place to be, caring but not knowing what to say, having to slip into a pre-defined role because there's no clear way to help. not that it doesn't suck, just that it kind of sucks from all sides.
and my life has been non-stop excitement too, just internal-turmoil excitement. and the kind that it doesn't do much good to talk about on the site.
grr.
i too feel like logically, i can't be alone forever, but like that must be how it's going to be, emotionally.
and don't be too down on the "sympathetic friends." it's a hard place to be, caring but not knowing what to say, having to slip into a pre-defined role because there's no clear way to help. not that it doesn't suck, just that it kind of sucks from all sides.
and my life has been non-stop excitement too, just internal-turmoil excitement. and the kind that it doesn't do much good to talk about on the site.
grr.
fictionmusic:
If by signature tele you mean a reissue then that is what she is (you are not on crack!). I believe its a James Burton model, although its got Lace Sensors instead of the original single coils. A beauty to listen to but a wee bit hard on the fingers.
After reading your journal I have some small advice: I think everyone goes through similar things where they feel alone. I know for me when I was growing up no-one liked the music I liked, my family wasn't in to me being a musician, and the music I heard naturally in my head was reviled by the few people I shared it with. Fuck'em all. I guess my point is whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger and that real wisdom is hard earned. I had music to turn to (that and a shit-load of drugs) do you?
After reading your journal I have some small advice: I think everyone goes through similar things where they feel alone. I know for me when I was growing up no-one liked the music I liked, my family wasn't in to me being a musician, and the music I heard naturally in my head was reviled by the few people I shared it with. Fuck'em all. I guess my point is whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger and that real wisdom is hard earned. I had music to turn to (that and a shit-load of drugs) do you?
Ummmm.... Yeah... I don't really have anything to say, just wanted to get rid of that last fucking post... So there; I did it!
So Bat Boy: The Musical kicked ass, I must say...
And while I no longer have my significant other to fall back on, as far as support goes, I have managed to build a sizeable support network all on my lonesome... Because apparently, I'm cool like that.
And not only is it a support network, much of it is what I would consider a crew......
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And while I no longer have my significant other to fall back on, as far as support goes, I have managed to build a sizeable support network all on my lonesome... Because apparently, I'm cool like that.
And not only is it a support network, much of it is what I would consider a crew......
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Always look on the bright side of life
Yeah, that...
Acting in persuit of such an ability, I say this. I get to go see Bat Boy: The Musical tonight... Which should be fun.
Yeah, that...
Acting in persuit of such an ability, I say this. I get to go see Bat Boy: The Musical tonight... Which should be fun.
tygertyger:
Bat Boy? Fucking A, man!
So who loves being depressed during school? It makes it so much better... In that it makes it so much harder to care about doing your fucking work... Or to care about much of anything really... Oh well. I really need to stop bitching.
So..... Yeah.....
So..... Yeah.....
So who can say (say it along with me now);
Life's a bitch, and then you die?
Anyone? 'Cause I'm sure there's someone out there who can identify... But wait... I find myself trying to figure out the probability of such a person actually reading my fucking journal, and as I only know of one person who does so, I think the probability is REALLY...
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Life's a bitch, and then you die?
Anyone? 'Cause I'm sure there's someone out there who can identify... But wait... I find myself trying to figure out the probability of such a person actually reading my fucking journal, and as I only know of one person who does so, I think the probability is REALLY...
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VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
mei:
hey, the only reason that i don't read this more often is that you don't update.
but you can always come talk to me. if nothing else, we are in similar situations. you could probably talk to your brother, too. i bet he'd understand.
i'm lonely all the time right now, so maybe i'll try calling you more often. we could play pool or something.
but you can always come talk to me. if nothing else, we are in similar situations. you could probably talk to your brother, too. i bet he'd understand.
i'm lonely all the time right now, so maybe i'll try calling you more often. we could play pool or something.
mei:
oh, and "life's a bitch, and then you die."
i can say it and mean it, lately.
i can say it and mean it, lately.