crymsyn

What does it mean to be a Suicide Girl?

Now therein lies the question.... by definition of the site, it supposedly means a woman/girl who has committed SOCIAL SUICIDE by being herself, ie tattoo's, piercings, crazy colored hair, or a deviant lifestyle that sets her apart from the norm. Also by being brave enough and confident enough to post her bare naked ass on the web and let everyone and their mother view her creativity in the rawest of forms and judge her according to how they think she should appear. In other words, to be herself and face the world alone and naked for the world to see in all her glory and not care or fear what others think of her for doing so or being who she truly is.

I don't have anything written to post here today that is anything more than rambling thoughts, so stop reading now if you think this is going to be some heart felt blog that means something... this is simply me typing away.

I haven't been on here in ages. And honestly the real question on my mind at the moment and the reason why I am typing this is because I think my time here has come. So why am I typing this and not just deleting it? I guess because I am a true hopeful, I still have hope, I still WANT to be more than just someone passing through. I'd love to make my mark here. I'd love to share my life with the world, not just with pictures, but words and feelings and ME... Possibly that's easier to understand if you've put pictures of yourself here and have been here for the world to judge you, rather than just viewing.

Even though I haven't been on SG in months, I have found myself being reminded by many locals about my pics here. I'd immediately like to state that I am in no way embarrassed or ashamed of my pics nor do I regret them in any way. I knew what I was getting myself into when I started and I stand by my pics. I consider them beautiful, and I am after-all, my biggest critic. I think they are art, they are me, and I enjoyed making them and learned so much. I know there are people on here that have enjoyed them as well, and I can see that there are those that are still enjoying them. However, the main goal was not just to be here, but to BECOME a Suicide Girl. Unfortunately I can see that is not going to happen the way I thought it would. Let me explain....

During my years of being here, my tears, my sweat, my pain, and yes there were lots of those... I've enjoyed each and every step. So I guess this is an official goodbye.... Thank you to all of you who have left some of the most heart felt and flattering compliments and emails for me. They really have helped me along the way, all the suggestions and support it meant more to me than anything. And ultimately I found myself, and also the best friend anyone could ever ask for, I owe a world of THANKS to my photographer Angie aka Deirdre Bardowl! I think she honestly tried to get me accepted here harder than I did. She put up with all the catty bitches complaining about stupid things like my fingernail polish not being perfect or a shadow in the background out of place... She put endless hours into photoshopping my pics, hundreds of dollars into photography equipment, and countless nights researching just exactly what it is that SG wants out of us... she did more than just snap a shot, she put herself into these pics. In fact she even went a step further and took over for me when I said fuck it... And most of you that thought you were talking to me, were actually talking to her. I've never been a people person, in fact, the more people I meet, the more I like my dogs lol.... with all that said... Angie I adore you, your amazing and the most awesome friend I could have ever dreamed of.... I love you with all my heart and could never thank you enough for your endless support and friendship. You've always been there for me and had my back and had faith in me, and for that I owe you so much gratitude you are one of the very few truly beautiful people in this world and I know I am extremely lucky to have a great friend like you.

I'm wondering now if anyone other than Angie will even read this.... I had to stop in mid sentence to say goodbye to my man, he's headed to town and the snow is falling really hard outside. Here in the hills of Kentucky it's best to stay put when the roads get icy so I worry about him leaving, but you can't tell Chuck anything, he's fearless and Immortal.

Our new puppy "Frost" (a black lab/ husky mix) is biting my toes and harassing the hell outta our older dog Skye which is hilarious to me, but I'm sure Skye is hating me at the moment for bringing the little rat home ha ha... We're planning on getting married next Fall, we're planning a Victorian gothic style wedding and of course I have a beautiful BLACK civil war mourning dress in mind as my wedding gown and I plan on walking down the isle to Carpathian Forest's song "The eclipse/The Raven... if you haven't heard it... listen to it, I LOVE IT..... My man is extremely good to me, he's a wish come true and my best friend. Besides for Angie of course and I couldn't be happier. He said to me, babe, what are you doing?.... I said... I'm saying goodbye.... his response... oh, do you have to do that? I laughed and said No, it's just something I want to do... which resulted in our discussion about giving up on dreams.

Chuck is an amazing drummer, he's put years into traveling with various bands and living on the road half starving to death trying to live a rock star's dream only to see people who he is way more talented than pass him up... he says he can relate to having to say goodbye... I'm not saying he's not still in a band or that he has given up playing the drums, that's not true in the least... he still plays, and we still have an amazing time making music together....., music is what brought us together, but he's old enough now and experienced enough to know that he's not going to be touring with Slayer anytime soon.... In fact, he is in two bands, one that's with is cuz Lee who owns a recording studio Pirate ship Productions, their band is Temporary Fixx and can be found on Facebook and myspace, and another one with me. Our band is an old school black metal band and we actually sound pretty fucking awesome when our guitarist shows up for practice lol.... it's a lot of fun, but not anything serious.... we enjoy it and have a lot of fun with it.... he's taught me so much about music and about life, I couldn't live without him. Being in love is the most wonderful and most horrible thing ever ha ha... So,.... with that said, and if any of you have suffered through my rambling this long, there's our comparison, I'm unfortunately not a rock star either.... and I don't plan on quitting modeling anytime soon, just not here anymore... I believe I've hit a wall and it's time for me to graciously say OK, I can see this is where I get off.....

In my own way, I've become my own Suicide girl... I've had all the downs, but not all the ups ha ha.... lived the life but not ever got the pay... or the name.... and in the end, I honestly think that's really all I wanted... I just wanted to be... Crymsyn Suicide......

And there is still a part of me that still wants to be, but I'm tired of trying and smart enough to know that the way things are run here now that there is no way that I am going to ever be able to travel to Ohio or any other state and pay out hundreds of dollars to a staff photographer to take my pics. And my argument there is that, I shouldn't have to... I'm giving you me in every way I can now, the quality is great, the pics are me, they are worthy, they just don't have the umpft.... they need for some reason... and that is actually fine with me lol, because that's what makes them me... I'm not perfect, I'm not rich and I don't live the type of lifestyle that allows me to travel and spend that kind of money... I'm me... simply Ash.... and I think I like being Ash way more than I like being Crymsyn....

So I never thought I would say this, but this is the end.... I hope the Beatles were right... lol... "In the end the love you take is equal to the love you make"

Goodbye SG! Thank you for everything, it's been real, it's been fun, it's been a learning experience from hell ha ha, and I mean that with all respect... Congratulations to all of you that have made it Pink! It is one hell of an accomplishment and I wish you the very very very best of times! To all the friends I've made on here.... thank you for being awesome to a complete stranger, you may have never heard my voice or shook my hand but your support was and still remains very much appreciated....

Brightest Blessings to you all.....
Shehamforash.....