About a month ago, I decided to seek counselling again.
Sorry, I hate to start a blog that way. What I'm trying to share is much more interesting and much less woe-is-me than that opening lets on. But that is where the story starts.
In my own words it was because I was sick of being stressed and angry all the time. It's been a long and drawn out process. I made an appointment with my doctor to get a recommendation in early January. Her closest opening was two weeks away, then she got sick and it became 3 weeks away. Once I had the recommendation the psychologist's earliest opening was another two weeks away, being last Wednesday now.
The quickest things they have to point out aren't much help. "You have some depression." Yes, I know, I've been dealing with that since a young age. That I have under lock and key. Stress is relative. I keep telling myself stress is for doctors or other people who's jobs could go horribly wrong. I just make drinks. It's the anger I can't deal with, and which is new and confusing to me.
I'd spent the last 18 months (up until November anyhow) practising and studying Ninjutsu. Which isn't the back-flips and flash-powder it sounds like. It's a practical martial art, like any other, but with focus on centring yourself under any circumstances.
After a few months solid of being angry at nothing at all, I'm convinced Ninjutsu, and everything else I've learned about managing anger have it wrong. At its worst, anger gave me two sleepless nights in a row. On the second night I gripped my head and ran my fingers across it. I now have a sizeable gash on my forehead. And I bite my fingernails; they're blunt and not much good for cutting anything. But the nick on my head is still there. That's no small amount of energy. Letting that go is like staying away from horses because they may trample someone. So far I haven't hurt anyone but myself, and even then barely.
Last night I put this all into practice. Taking the anger and all the energy it gives me and turning it into something useful. Breathing it in and really harnessing it. It's not even an emotion anymore, it's just what keeps my engines running. I was pleasant, funny and quite good company, but fuelled by this great energy I wasn't properly harnessing before.
I'm going Berserker on this shit.
Sorry, I hate to start a blog that way. What I'm trying to share is much more interesting and much less woe-is-me than that opening lets on. But that is where the story starts.
In my own words it was because I was sick of being stressed and angry all the time. It's been a long and drawn out process. I made an appointment with my doctor to get a recommendation in early January. Her closest opening was two weeks away, then she got sick and it became 3 weeks away. Once I had the recommendation the psychologist's earliest opening was another two weeks away, being last Wednesday now.
The quickest things they have to point out aren't much help. "You have some depression." Yes, I know, I've been dealing with that since a young age. That I have under lock and key. Stress is relative. I keep telling myself stress is for doctors or other people who's jobs could go horribly wrong. I just make drinks. It's the anger I can't deal with, and which is new and confusing to me.
I'd spent the last 18 months (up until November anyhow) practising and studying Ninjutsu. Which isn't the back-flips and flash-powder it sounds like. It's a practical martial art, like any other, but with focus on centring yourself under any circumstances.
After a few months solid of being angry at nothing at all, I'm convinced Ninjutsu, and everything else I've learned about managing anger have it wrong. At its worst, anger gave me two sleepless nights in a row. On the second night I gripped my head and ran my fingers across it. I now have a sizeable gash on my forehead. And I bite my fingernails; they're blunt and not much good for cutting anything. But the nick on my head is still there. That's no small amount of energy. Letting that go is like staying away from horses because they may trample someone. So far I haven't hurt anyone but myself, and even then barely.
Last night I put this all into practice. Taking the anger and all the energy it gives me and turning it into something useful. Breathing it in and really harnessing it. It's not even an emotion anymore, it's just what keeps my engines running. I was pleasant, funny and quite good company, but fuelled by this great energy I wasn't properly harnessing before.
I'm going Berserker on this shit.
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Ta.