"Who cares, she's hot."
This was my best friend in high school's reply when I asked him why he was dating a girl after making fun of how dumb she was. I was appalled. I knew this girl and she was sweet, honest and loyal. And yes, she was very attractive. But it was clear that my friend had no respect for her. Everyone knew she was one of the hottest cheerleaders so to him, she was a trophy. Dating her gave him status and prestige.
This interaction was not at all uncommon. Any group of guys in high school and college would eventually end up talking about women and the things they'd like to do to them. This by itself is not intrinsically bad, in my opinion. Sexual desire and attraction is OK and talking about it from time to time is fine. But the thing that always bothered my was how often those comments were laced with disrespect. Rape jokes were offensive, and would get eye-rolls instead of being called out for it.
Let me be clear: I didn't call them out for it. I was part of that problem. I was part of the culture even though I knew it was wrong. I'm also quite sure that I said things that were equally objectifying and disrespectful because of a desire to fit in.
Early in life, I was a nerd and a social reject. In high school, that friend of mine who was so disrespectful to women befriended me. And, well, he was my ticket to popularity. If I called him out, maybe he would have ostracized me and sent me back to the nerds again. This sense that I was never quite "cool enough" to call others out persisted for many years and contributed to my fear of rejection. Even later in life when I did have the social clout to tell people to cut it out, I didn't realize it. I was afraid and I was silent.
Not all men are disrespectful, misogynistic assholes. But almost all men contribute to the culture that makes it OK for the men who are.
I was afraid to be made fun of, but I was enabling a culture that makes women afraid. I didn't understand how being quiet or even saying things in a group of men could hurt women. But I do now. I look back at my spinelessness towards those assholes and I am ashamed.
I am sorry. So very sorry. It's my hope that speaking up about it now can help others realize that it's up to the #NotAllMen group to stand up and put an end to the silence. Maybe you will be ostracized. Do you really want to be friends with people who are like that? The fear you face in that situation doesn't compare to the fear that #YesAllWomen face every single day.
Note: I blog about relationships and sex culture here on suicidegirls.com because I find this is a very sex positive community where women are respected. If you have an account here, please feel free to follow me.