I just realized i haven't listened to music in months.
The baby doesn't like to have it on in the car and I feel weird playing it at the house with E's dad home ALL THE FREAKING TIME.
I think he's given up on finding a new job and has decided to waste away in the arm chair in his bedroom.
Meanwhile I need him to go away. Just for a few hours at a predictable time. So i can plan when I'll actually have time to myself. But, it's not happening.
So i continue to let myself slip away.
My crafting sucks lately. I'm losing weight like crazy. My skinny clothes from years ago are falling off. I went from a size 8 to a size 2 in 4 months.
I avoid eating on purpose so i won't make a mess in his kitchen.
A few new places came up for rent but one is $100 out of our price range and one hasn't answered back yet and the other that I really liked is next door to a shithole run by a real asshole of a landlord.
I need to get out soon.
I don't even answer my phone anymore. Not even for my Nana. I haven't really looked at facebook in 2 weeks and my last actual status update was march 17th.
I don't want to be around people because I feel like shit and I feel like shit so i don't make an effort not to look like shit.
I spent my first mothers day trying to pretend I didn't feel like crying every time I remembered what day it was. I was hoping i would feel good about it because i had been doing better. But, it was like every other sunday. It wasn't special. We still had dinner with E's family and I still carried my son around all day and occasionally rode in the back seat of the car when he started wailing.
I keep trying to get to bed earlier so maybe i won't feel so empty and down all day but I end up staying up anyways because it's so much easier to pretend that im normal when the baby is asleep and the house is quiet.
When noone's around and I can forget about everything else while i sew or play on the internet it's like im actually enjoying some me time instead of researching baby stuff or sewing for other people. Which is what I'm actually doing.
The baby doesn't like to have it on in the car and I feel weird playing it at the house with E's dad home ALL THE FREAKING TIME.
I think he's given up on finding a new job and has decided to waste away in the arm chair in his bedroom.
Meanwhile I need him to go away. Just for a few hours at a predictable time. So i can plan when I'll actually have time to myself. But, it's not happening.
So i continue to let myself slip away.
My crafting sucks lately. I'm losing weight like crazy. My skinny clothes from years ago are falling off. I went from a size 8 to a size 2 in 4 months.
I avoid eating on purpose so i won't make a mess in his kitchen.
A few new places came up for rent but one is $100 out of our price range and one hasn't answered back yet and the other that I really liked is next door to a shithole run by a real asshole of a landlord.
I need to get out soon.
I don't even answer my phone anymore. Not even for my Nana. I haven't really looked at facebook in 2 weeks and my last actual status update was march 17th.
I don't want to be around people because I feel like shit and I feel like shit so i don't make an effort not to look like shit.
I spent my first mothers day trying to pretend I didn't feel like crying every time I remembered what day it was. I was hoping i would feel good about it because i had been doing better. But, it was like every other sunday. It wasn't special. We still had dinner with E's family and I still carried my son around all day and occasionally rode in the back seat of the car when he started wailing.
I keep trying to get to bed earlier so maybe i won't feel so empty and down all day but I end up staying up anyways because it's so much easier to pretend that im normal when the baby is asleep and the house is quiet.
When noone's around and I can forget about everything else while i sew or play on the internet it's like im actually enjoying some me time instead of researching baby stuff or sewing for other people. Which is what I'm actually doing.
wallstreet1969:
hugs...it is tough enough to be a stay at home mom...when you are not even at your own home. hang in there...you little one will grew up soon enough (and yes sometimes it feels like it will never happen).