So it has officially sunk in now.
Everyone at the doctors office was congratulating me and i was trying to find a way to not look like a sullen bitch and more like a happy glowing pregnant woman. Things like that get my hopes up. I cant let the little strings of excitement and wonder slip in and wrap around my heart yet. I cant let myself be happy yet until i know for sure that my baby is still alive.
Last time i put everything into that pregnancy. I started a registry and bought sale items and started making maternity clothes. Only to find out that my baby was dead all along.
I dont want to do that again.
Im afraid of what im going to see at the first appointment when we try to hear the heartbeat. Thats when my chest clenched up last time. Thats when i knew i was fooling myself.
So far this one is different. I havnt been sick and i havnt been as emotional. Those strange little butterfly kicks across the front of my tummy havnt been there. And so far i have a huge appetite. I pretty much get HUNGRY every 2 hours.
Im hoping i dont get my medicaid turned down again. Last time they told me i made too much money. Currently im going off one income since im not married and im also on unemployment.
I really hope i get it. I just dont have $7,000 right now.
Hopefully i can get in to see the maternity doc this week. The clinic doesnt have the equipment to check for the heartbeat and im far enough along now that it can be seen on the sonar.
Everyone at the doctors office was congratulating me and i was trying to find a way to not look like a sullen bitch and more like a happy glowing pregnant woman. Things like that get my hopes up. I cant let the little strings of excitement and wonder slip in and wrap around my heart yet. I cant let myself be happy yet until i know for sure that my baby is still alive.
Last time i put everything into that pregnancy. I started a registry and bought sale items and started making maternity clothes. Only to find out that my baby was dead all along.
I dont want to do that again.
Im afraid of what im going to see at the first appointment when we try to hear the heartbeat. Thats when my chest clenched up last time. Thats when i knew i was fooling myself.
So far this one is different. I havnt been sick and i havnt been as emotional. Those strange little butterfly kicks across the front of my tummy havnt been there. And so far i have a huge appetite. I pretty much get HUNGRY every 2 hours.
Im hoping i dont get my medicaid turned down again. Last time they told me i made too much money. Currently im going off one income since im not married and im also on unemployment.
I really hope i get it. I just dont have $7,000 right now.
Hopefully i can get in to see the maternity doc this week. The clinic doesnt have the equipment to check for the heartbeat and im far enough along now that it can be seen on the sonar.
niobe:
Good luck with everything. Color me jealous as we are still trying and coming up empty. It will happen when it is suppose to happen. So I know that right now it might not be the best time for you two, but I bet it is happening right now for a reason. It is just going to take a spell to see that reason. *hugs*
creolla:
Thanks niobe. I know its hard when you want a baby soooo bad. It took me a year and 8 months to concieve the first time and then ended up having a miscarriage. So i know this is happening for a reason. Its just hard to get settled around the idea when i dont even know if the baby is still alive. Thanks so much for your support. Lots of hugs and good luck too you too. I hope you get a healthy baby soon