autistic and proud!

30

when i got pregnant, i felt my moods slipping. i’ve been living with bipolar and BPD (borderline personality disorder) diagnoses for 13 years but since getting pregnant, it’s gotten bad. so i have waited my whole pregnancy for a psych evaluation that i finally got today!

the results are in and .... i am autistic! on top of my previous diagnosis of bipolar and BPD, i was told that i also have PTSD and autism spectrum disorder. autism was never considered with me before, although i have had history of cognitive and behavioral disorder since i was at least 7. autism spectrum disorder is difficult to diagnose in women, as women display autism differently than men. males are diagnosed around age 2, where as females don’t receive diagnosis until around age 15 or 20.

i can not tell you how RELIEVED i feel after hearing that. every single difficult social interaction or overstimulation now makes so much sense. i feel like a 1000lb weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. i can finally stop beating myself up when i don’t respond to people “normally,” or get extremely confused at simple instructions. i now understand why i am so obsessed with the things i like and don’t care about much else, or why i am so hyper vigilant to social cues and so resistant to touch and eye contact.

i feel so much better, and i just wanted to share. when we truly know ourselves, THAT is when we can best care of ourselves.

i am fully ready to take on a new perspective, a more gentle relationship with myself, and new forms of therapy to be the best person and mother i can be. i strongly encourage anyone who is struggling to seek help. the answers can give you so much insight. i love myself and all my neuro difficulties and i am ready to embrace life as an autistic adult.

VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
stoney__:
YESSS
fullfeeling:
It's a funny thing how a diagnosis can be especially helpful to spectrum folk.  I wanted to write "Hey, you don't need a label to accept yourself how you are.  There's no reason to beat yourself up; it's only counterproductive."   Proof right there that though there are some spectrum folks very close to me, I'm not.  Of course ANYbody feels more secure knowing there's a reason for the things that vex their lives.  But because the more binary spectrum mind craves these hard distinctions more than most, and is less capable of grasping the grey areas, diagnosis itself can be a powerful piece of learning to live more happily with the neurology you want.  I'm so glad to read you including "a more gentle relationship with myself" in your new perspective because there really never was any reason to beat yourself up.  I hope that's easier to accept and understand now.

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