creamygoodness

Ben, just read the script.

Here are a few of my notes/questions. And please take these only as suggestions.

I had a question about John. Who is he???? A young Trump like character? What does he do for a living.... I'd like to see him in action. See what he's good at... going after something he can't have... like a piece of property that he wants... not that he really wants it, it's just that someone has said HE can't have it. And this foreshadows his role for the senate seat. He doesn't really want it, but someone has said he can't have it..

I was thinking if you put the opening, instead of in John's apt. you could have it in his office.... see WHO he is, how he's in command of situations, strategizes things. We can either get respect for him through this or not... but need to see what this guy is made of, what makes him tick.

You can always have him screw Harper in his office.... bathroom attached. This way EDWARD can be there.... part of John's business. Edward needs to have responsibilities. John needs to listen to Edward on occasion, have Edward be integral part of who John is... maybe Edward keeps John in check.

I saw the pregnancy thing with Harper... don't tip so soon. Also tipped on page 15.... nicholas bount.... to jay.. you just handed an old man his bag..... okay so was the handle to the bag poisoned? Is this what caused the heart attack.

A quick cut... don't need the medics there. just go out on Carlos getting paper, reading it, On the floor before him, the senator's eyes glaze over, empty and dead.

Why would Harper not just destroy the tape herself??? I would. I wouldn't trust Susan. If Harper is a smart girl she would know that someting's up. Now if the tape was presented to Harper by Susan.... something to the effect if Harper really cared about John she'd get out of her life, does she want her past exposed.

Harper should threaten back in someway.... because she's NOT going away... this forces Susan to try to get rid of her. A big reveal at the end.... after her roommate is killed... Harper could be sick, not feeling good goes into bathroom.... throws up.. she knows what's wrong... pulls a preg test from cabinet.
That's all you need to show, because we know. This is also good to hold onto for later episodes.

Oh, need for us to know relationship between John and Evelyn.... they're nemisis, but how far back does it go, and what caused it. Did she want something way back and John didn't let her have it or did he take it away from her. But we need to know the backstory with these two.

Back to harpers apt. have her roommate go out to get harper something for her upset stomach.... then she gets killed, harper goes to bathroom, pulls out preg test.

Another small thing..... just put in between susan's guest bedroom and John on vacation. Just put where he is to establish.

Ext. Puerto Vallarta - morning.... something like that.

Okay, so I'm clear, Blount is actually Blount? Blount was Susan's husband and is actually dead? Susan thinks he's dead.... make it clear.... you could have a photo of Blount on Susan's nightstand, to show that he was actally her husband, and she thinks he's dead.... or is that totally wrong?

The Emily and Sam storyline serves its purpose, but where are we going with this? I take it they are principle characters.... does Sam want to date her... what's her story? Has she heard of John before... maybe it just came out in the news that Evelyn lost a bid, at hotel, a piece of property to John. So at least we know John and Evelyn are heavy hitters. People know them.

If you have any questions for me, shoot them my way. This is just stuff off the top of my head. I like the characters a lot.... need to figure some of their backstories out just a bit..... did John and Edward know each other from private school or college or what? Stuff like that.
Good writing!

Hey there!

First of all my thanks for the suggestions, feedback is always
appreciated. I just wanted to clarify a few things though to see if it
affects your reading of the script at all. First of all I originally
intended John to be a kind of everyman character, thus leaving his
background intentionally vague. Then I realised that this made his
character a little bland, so I decided to make him a man with a
somewhat mysterious past that gradually unfurls throughout later
episodes. In truth John is actually a corporate sexual investigator,
investigating allegations of sexual misconduct, deviance and
harrassment for large companies. I think this provides a lot of scope
for the character, I can see later scenes where he flashbacks and
questions his own place in the world and future while examining
spatter patterns of great steaming ropes of jism. I think it's pretty
blue-chip stuff.

This all ties in to his relationships with Edward and Evelyn. I feel
like if I go into all the seperate threads for now I'm going to be
writing for hours, but suffice to say for now that I'm planning a
particularly juicy scene uncovering their past and how John became a
person of such influence involving a pair of handcuffs, a hidden
camera and a dead fish.

That said, you make a very good point about doing something to
establish his drive and focus, I'll see if I can approach the opening
from a different angle, and give the viewer a better handle on who he
is.

You're right about Blount, he is dead. I actually went back and forth
on his character a bit and it shows in the script. Now I think about
it I really need to go back to that and tidy it up, establish a few
things more clearly. I originally intended him to be dead, but for him
to make several mysterious appearances, only for a big reveal to be it
to actually be his twin brother, Carlos. I can only put this down to a
night on the whiskey because seriously, a twin brother? C'mon.

The smal points about pacing and establishing are all great, I'm going
to add them as they make a lot of sense.

Finally, as for Harper, you might have picked up on her pregnancy
early, but that was always my intention. You see I'm planning this as
a double twist. The twist is not that Harper becomes pregnant, but
that later into the pregnancy, she begins hearing voices. In
actuality, her unborn baby is actually a highly-evolved mutant, both
incredibly intelligent AND telepathic, and is able to communicate
directly with her mind, as well as read the minds of others! As you
can tell this will prove incredibly useful for her as she carries her
own little mind-reader around in her delectable womb. I see the baby
(which I'm calling Frank for now) as having a very wry and detached
voice, hanging back and making witty observations of the situation and
eventually becoming the main focus of the show. Not only will this
score us big kudos with the pro-life demographic, but how many shows
can say their POV character is a smart-ass telepathic fetus!!!

I appreciate the hell out of all this feedback, please let me know if
this affects your reading of the script at all.

It does.... and the best thing about you email is that YOU have the answers. That's what you really need as a writer and the question you have to ask yourself, is: Am I getting this all across to the reader/viewer enough? Have I touched enough on something that they get enough information that will keep them intrigued.. or saying "okay, what is coming next?""

The one thing, about Harper... if she's pregnant... fine. But with the voices... put that in there for a beat. Have her hear someone. For example, she hears a male voice behind her... so she thinks, turns, no one is there.

You've got to tease the audience a bit with this.... because they need to know, is this girl nuts already, is she about to go nuts. And of course, she'll have to ask herself the same question. But then it must go back to WHY is she going nuts... hearing voices? The audience is going to want to know about the "whys." And so that begs another question.... did something traumatic happen to her within the last year or so that people/viewer/reader/... other characters in the script will buy... so there's a simple answer.. Oh she's suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.

This can be done easily and you don't need a flashback, because you can show that later. If you've got everyone believing its PTSD, and we'll buy it, then all you need is to have someone mention it.

Was she in a car accident or some other situation where someone, of course a male, that was close to her, has died. If you are going big with the pregnancy later on, you've got to help the reader buy into it now that there is something "different" about her.

Does that make sense?

Here's an example, I watched LOST last night, and there are things that I know the audience is like, okay wait a minute... THEN the voice of reason comes in and asks all the questions we, the audience, are asking. A character, Desmond, in last night's episode... was asking all the questions to the main characters.. "you're going back to the island?" And all one of the other charactrers said was, yes. And it was so clear what the writers were doing. We just need to hear some kind of explanation.

Everything else, I buy. Send me your revision when you have it. Remember, you can do some quick fixes here, but the main thing is you've got to grab your audience early, make the characters captivating.

I'm on crunch to finish mine by tomorrow... my changes which were a bit more... had to rewrite a scene completely, totally bland, didn't get my information out, and I need to add another scene. See, you can just keep writing forever on the same thing. But I need to be done with it, but I'm happy with the body of it... just needs a little polishing.

A.