Dear Diary,
Mood = Tireds
Ah and as I awaken into a new day , I find myself missing something. Well the last couple of days I've been missing someone. Isn't it weird when you get to the point where you actually miss the company of someone even though you've had the pleasure of their company for well over the amount one would expect. HA! I say to you all now how does one feel when one has that special someone to wake up to of a morning. Well, I say to you... i am jealous... And then I sit here and think about all of this for a while. Why does one feel strongly for someone I hardly know??? Well do I feel strongly? Don't I? Should I? BAH! I guess what I'm trying to decipher in the fucked up little head of mine, how do I feel about all of this? It has been a while since I've felt much emotion. Sad to say, but I shut myself off completely. And it's a really weird thing to do. But something I found to be very easy. I don't know about anyone else, but i can seem to draw on or dispel emotions like a visual energy around me. Maybe I've been playing too many games, or maybe I can actually control the emotions and the energy around me. I find I can draw on an overwhelming emotion and people around me can sense it. I've tested it a couple of times and surprisingly the results were amazing. So that brings me back to understanding my base feelings. Seeing as I've learned to control them, I need to let go and try and understand what I'm feeling now. Does this make sense to anyone? I really need help. Having control over ones emotions isn't as cool as it sounds, I haven't been able to feel for months. Ever since Jeremy broke my heart, repetitively, I haven't been the same. I got stronger, I got back on my feet. Then he seemed to knock me down again, and open a new wound. My heart is full of scars already. But I keep openly inviting him to do it again. I can't help it. If I still feel anything it's for him. The one I first loved. I stand before you now, with tears in my eyes. Tears that I can't cry. Tears that want to come out, but I won't allow them. This curse of control won't let me feel as much as I used to. I feel stabs of happiness, stress and despair. I even find it hard to laugh sometimes. I can't cry anymore... I won't let myself... I've cried too much already...
Mood = Tireds
Ah and as I awaken into a new day , I find myself missing something. Well the last couple of days I've been missing someone. Isn't it weird when you get to the point where you actually miss the company of someone even though you've had the pleasure of their company for well over the amount one would expect. HA! I say to you all now how does one feel when one has that special someone to wake up to of a morning. Well, I say to you... i am jealous... And then I sit here and think about all of this for a while. Why does one feel strongly for someone I hardly know??? Well do I feel strongly? Don't I? Should I? BAH! I guess what I'm trying to decipher in the fucked up little head of mine, how do I feel about all of this? It has been a while since I've felt much emotion. Sad to say, but I shut myself off completely. And it's a really weird thing to do. But something I found to be very easy. I don't know about anyone else, but i can seem to draw on or dispel emotions like a visual energy around me. Maybe I've been playing too many games, or maybe I can actually control the emotions and the energy around me. I find I can draw on an overwhelming emotion and people around me can sense it. I've tested it a couple of times and surprisingly the results were amazing. So that brings me back to understanding my base feelings. Seeing as I've learned to control them, I need to let go and try and understand what I'm feeling now. Does this make sense to anyone? I really need help. Having control over ones emotions isn't as cool as it sounds, I haven't been able to feel for months. Ever since Jeremy broke my heart, repetitively, I haven't been the same. I got stronger, I got back on my feet. Then he seemed to knock me down again, and open a new wound. My heart is full of scars already. But I keep openly inviting him to do it again. I can't help it. If I still feel anything it's for him. The one I first loved. I stand before you now, with tears in my eyes. Tears that I can't cry. Tears that want to come out, but I won't allow them. This curse of control won't let me feel as much as I used to. I feel stabs of happiness, stress and despair. I even find it hard to laugh sometimes. I can't cry anymore... I won't let myself... I've cried too much already...
I think this is the same for a lot of people a lot of the time. But we struggle on -- blunder along, really -- and try and sort it out.
No stress.