crashoverride

So. I am afraid ... I am afraid of what might be's and what might not.

I am scared that I am not good enough sometimes.. that I don't deserve anything because of my stupid choices.

I love the fact that Irish is coming up in June (if things go as .. well I guess they should be planned out soon huh ) But.. why do I deserve someone as awesome as her... will she like me in person. I have to say that I am not super confident in myself, but I do think that I have some things to offer. I literally don't plan on staying in this god damn wheelchair, but what if.. what if I am stuck... I am so scared of it now.. maybe it is my realization on life now.. because before I met Irish.. I basically just hid shit in the back of my thoughts and played games. I DON'T WANT THAT ANYMORE. She has inspired me to be better to do better, and while I cared about people before this (people that deserved it that is) she has made me realize that more so.

I want to impress her everyday.. I want to be something ... I want to do things that may seem crazy (but this time use my head a bit more.. )

I want my life .. I want to be able to control it, and it scares the shit out of me that their is a very real possibility that it could still be years...and if so in those years who is going to care for me, why will they care for me. I have so many imperfections that I wonder if those can be overcome (given the chance I will try my hardest to not show those).

I know all of this may seem like a confidence issue, but it's not really that. It's just really fucking hard to be positive about a broken body. I mean after years of not caring I am now eating better and trying my hardest to exercise, but yeah... it's hard. I'm not saying that if I was able to walk and move normal again everything would be solved, but it would give me a huge boost. I mean FOR EXAMPLE: If I don't have a catheter with me and I have to drive a long distance without a place to use the bathroom it can ruin my whole day and destroy my confidence.

This all sounds like some little emo kid, but I am truly just scared. I love the fact that their is a better chance for me to walk now that Obama reversed stem cell research and gave it the go, but how long?

I want someone to spoil, and I want someone to care about, and I want a life, and I want to see what I can do given another chance, and I want to be cared about, and I want to be loved both in the wheelchair and hopefully out of it, and I want...

I have dreams and I always say one day, and I hope that ONE DAY something will work in my favor and something will make my way of life easier.

AS it stands now Irish does make my days a thousand times better (and don't get this twisted yet we are just friends) but for someone to listen to my shit almost everyday and smile back at me just blows me away. I have so much respect, and admire her so much for the things that she is willing to share with me. Maryjay also inspires me in so many ways because she has 3 kids, but has to deal with this terrible situation but put her life on hold because of her kids, and while that sounds like it something selfish.. I'd challenge anyone to raise 3 kids and then do something for themselves without getting a whole hell of a lot in return.

I'm not trying to lay anything on anyone's shoulders here because that's the last thing I want to do, but I just had to express my feelings.. in this weirdly fragmented story of my life.

I just want a break, and I am not sure how. I want to move down to Florida because of an endless amount of perks but what are my realistic chances.. how. I only get Social Security so that means that I HAVE to have a roommate. how. ...so many thoughts in my head (got some petty amazing thoughts in my head to don't get me wrong.. Irish lights up my eyes in so many ways lol)

...sigh.

I don't know. But I don't want to lay down and surrender anymore.