countervail

Chicago is an amazing city. I uploaded 79 pictures, complete with captions, which is an incredibly tedious process on SG, since you can't upload more than one photo at once. It's also strange how punctuation marks, such as ' and , don't show up on the captions. Anyways...you can check out all the pictures in my photo section. Here's what we did during the week, complete with selected pictures where applicable.

Our flight left LAX at 9:15, so we had to be up at around 6:00 that Monday. Traffic was off and on until we got close to LAX, where a motorcycle cop had been hit on the freeway literally 15 seconds ahead of us. The whole freeway shut down for 45 minutes while everything got taken care of.

We got to the airport, checked our bags, got our tickets, and went to security. Eric got through with no trouble. I had to take off tons of shit, including my leather bracelet, my belt, sunglasses, etc. I kept going through and something kept setting off the goddamn metal detector. They took me aside and scanned me for 10 minutes before figuring out that something in my shoes was going off. Sure enough, after I took off my shoes, no beep. I had no idea my shoes had metal in them...weird.

We got on the plane and everything was fine. When I got my tickets on Travelocity, it gave me the option of selecting the lunch meal for Eric and myself. I thought it would be funny to give Eric the "Low Calorie" meal so that he would be embarrassed on the plane. I pictured the flight attendant getting on the intercom and saying "today's flight has a choice of turkey sandwich with chips, chicken caesar salad, and a low calorie option with celery, tofu, 7 organic raisins, and two tablespoons of nonfat yogurt for Eric Phillips in seat number 6D." We didn't even get lunch. ATA is a stupid airline that makes you pay $5 if you want a shitty sandwich for lunch, so my little plan ended up failing.

We touched down in Midway and it was cloudy and raining outside. We hopped on the train and went through the lovely South Side of Chicago, through downtown, and finally to the North Side where we arrived at Brittany and Gabe's apartment.



Eric and I were starving, so Brittany, Eric, and myself went to an amazing Thai place called Thai Oscar. I ordered 3 things and absolutely gorged myself. That night began the insane trend of eating incredible amounts of food for the rest of the week.

By the time we returned, Gabe had come back from work, and it was about 8:00. We went down to the liquor store, picked up a handle of JB, and began drinking. When we were all adequately buzzed, we hopped on the train and headed over to Charlie's for Drag Queen Bingo. For those of you who don't know, Charlie's is a gay cowboy bar in Chicago. Brittany, me, and one other person were the only straight people in the entire joint.





After about half an hour, the most amazing person ever created arrived to join our group: Vicadan. I'm going to sidetrack from the current dialogue to discuss Vicadan, mainly because he's my favorite person in existence.



Daniel (Vicadan) is a close friend of Eric's who lives with his boyfriend, Kevin, in Chicago. When Eric used to work at Hollywood Mirror on Belmont, Vicadan was the manager of the store. Vicadan used to love popping pills, so one day he came up with his self-given nickname: Vica for Vicadin, and Dan, for Daniel. Brilliant.

Vicadan was probably the best manager ever conceived. Days at Hollywood Mirror were spent drinking, doing drugs, stealing merchandise/money, and pissing off customers. If you weren't doing all of the above things, Vicadan would fire you. When Eric first started working there, Vicadan told him to dress up in drag, stand in the display window, and hold up a sign saying "Show your cock for charity." Eric was taking a nap in the back once, so Vicadan naturally thought that the only proper way to wake him up would be with a taser. Eric got an incredibly painful jolt, Vicadan got a good laugh, and all was well in the world. This type of work ethic lasted for months, until a relatively minor incident cost Vicadan his job.

A small child had entered the store and began messing with some of the clothing displays. Vicadan, rightfully pissed off, told the child to "stop fucking up the clothes." When the child refused, Vicadan yelled "Get the fuck out of the store you little piece of shit!" The child ran out of the store, but her father came in right after her. He demanded to know why Vicadan had used such "horrible" language with his daughter, to which Vicadan replied "because she's a stupid bitch and knocked over all the clothes." The father became angry, and Vicadan told him to get his fat Greek ass out of the store. The man became even angrier, and Vicadan screamed "Get the fuck out of my store! Get the fuck out!" When the man refused, Vicadan did what anyone in his situation would have done: he grabbed an axe from behind the counter and chased the man out of the store and down Belmont. This little incident cost him his job, but he will always remember it with the hatchet tattoo he later got on his arm.

Back to bingo. Every time the square B1 was called, everyone in the bar got a free shot. Vicadan wasn't drinking that night, so I was taking two shots every time B1 got called. B1 got called three times, so that's six shots for me, in addition to the 3 JB and Cokes I had at the apartment and the Whiskey and Coke I had at the bar. Bad idea. I was completely trashed.

We left Drag Queen Bingo at around 1:00 and took a cab to some shitty club called Neo. The place sucked and we were tired, so we went back to the apartment and ordered Chicago pizza. That was the first time I had eaten Chicago pizza, and I must say...it's absolutely incredible. One of the biggest things I will miss from that city is the deep dish pizza. Delicious.

I had a horrible hangover the next day. I didn't even get up until about 2:00, and was showered and out the door at 3:00. Eric and I went to Belmont so he could show me around. Our first stop was Chicago Tattoo, where Eric gets most of his ink done. A good friend of his, Brycee, is a piercer at the place, and ran outside when she saw us coming. Brycee is pretty fun, and Eric tells me she's a bit of a Nazi, so that was interesting. She's very outspoken, and kept telling me how hot I was just moments after meeting her for the first time. I had a hangover, so I just kinda hid behind my sunglasses and tried to look the other way. Eric wouldn't let me off the hook. He lifted up my black polo shirt to reveal my black Deutschland undershirt. Brycee went crazy.



She made me pretend like I was her boyfriend to make some Nazi at a sex shop down the street jealous. We went in, totally hanging onto one another, and asked the guy a suggestion for lube. I couldn't stop laughing. Hopefully Brycee was pleased with the performance.

After that, the three of us (Brittany, Eric, myself) took the train to downtown and walked around a bunch. We took some good pictures and ate at Potbelly's for dinner (amazing sandwiches).





We went home in the evening, drank some more, and got ready for Gabe's band, Manaconda, to perform at a bar.

Manaconda was very very fun and put on a great show. They're a cross between Devo and The Screamers. Two of Eric's good friends, Gabe and Howie, sing and play guitar for the band.











After Manaconda, some shitty band from Texas went on. All the members wore pink shirts, white pants, and white face masks. They were crazy and kept jumping on the bar and doing weird shit. A local Chicago group called Team Mayhem decided they didn't like them, so they started fucking them all up. They picked up one of the band members (who only danced like a fucking weirdo out in front...he didn't play or sing) and threw him into the bass player, knocking a ton of shit over. The band kept playing like nothing happened. Team Mayhem proceeded to throw pitchers of beer at the drummer and singer, and eventually the owner of the bar told the band to stop playing (after 2 songs) because everyone in the bar hated them and were ready to kick the shit out of them (especially Team Mayhem). Fun night.

Eric and I took a walk down Belmont the next day and headed over to his old work, Hollywood Mirror. Brittany still works there, so I got a ton of clothes and such for free. Here's Hollywood Mirror's amazing bathroom:





After that, Eric and I went to a place called Chili Mac for lunch. You order giant plates of chili and the give it to you with spaghetti...it's incredible. Here's a before and after shot of all the food we ate, which was way too much:





The three of us (Eric, Brittany, myself) went back to downtown and spent a lot of time at the Chicago Institute of Art, where we saw Van Goghs, Monets, Picassos, and tons of modern and ancient art. Really cool place. I can't remember exactly, but I'm fairly sure we went home after that and drank the night away (we drank every single night of the trip, to the point of passing out, which is COMPLETELY HEALTHY).

The next day was a bit cloudy, and Eric and I returned to downtown so that he could show me more stuff. We went to the aquarium and saw Buckingham Fountain, which was very pretty. Here are some shots:





That night, Eric and I took our stuff over to Vicadan's apartment so that Gabe could get some sleep for work (he started a new job teaching music at a summer camp and has to be up early). Vicadan and Kevin (his boyfriend) have an incredible apartment with an amazing patio. Kevin is a very good cook and made some spice-crusted pork with potatoes and carrots that was very delicious. I got to spend the night on the world's most comfortable couch, which I shared with Cosmo and Gunner, Vicadan and Kevin's two dogs.

Kevin:





The next day, Eric and I packed our stuff and headed over to his friend Tasha's place. She has three cats, so there was hair everywhere. The three of us went to Chipotle for lunch and I can't remember what else we did. That night, we went to some shitty party (that we left quickly) and then Brittany, myself, Eric, and Tasha returned to Tasha's apartment to get our own party going.

I was tired and went to sleep early (around 2:00), but the three of them kept drinking and eating gummy worms. When Eric finally decided to go to sleep it was 4:00. Brittany had consumed more than 9 beers by that point and was going insane. She wouldn't let us sleep. She kept going into the living room and slapping us. A few minutes later, she started throwing plastic action figures at us. I think I got to sleep around 7:00.







We slept late the next day and went to Chipotle for lunch. By the time we were done it was 5 in the evening. Eric and I went to the store and bought $70.00 worth of food for a dinner party at Vicadan's that same night.

I was determined to out-do Kevin with the cooking, so I prepared rosemary and garlic filet mignon, potatoes au gratin with gruyere cheese, nutmeg, and cream, and olive oil and garlic green beans. Eric made guacamole, salmon, and halibut. My potatoes were a huge hit, and everyone couldn't stop eating them. Vicadan had a few memorable quotes that night: 1. (After looking at my potatoes coming out of the oven, and in a Southern hick / stoned accent): "Them taters sure look good."
2. (Kevin, his boyfriend, kept talking during a movie we were all watching): "Shut the hell up, asshole"

Tasha, Eric, Gabe, and myself miniature golfed at the Rabbit Hutch the next day. That night was the last night before we left, so we got horribly wasted at Brittany and Gabe's apartment. Brittany drank beer all night, but Gabe, Tasha, Eric, and Myself polished off a fresh handle of Jim Beam. We ordered Chicago pizza at 4 in the morning as well. Here are pictures of that crazy night:



For some reason, I decided it was necessary to remove my jeans and put on my board shorts and my leather belt:













The next morning, at 7 AM, Gabe came out of his room dressed only in boxers and a giant Nazi flag. Before you freak out, know this: Gabe is Jewish. Eric and I were equally puzzled as to how he got the flag and why he would come out at 7 AM wearing it over his back. It was pretty funny/random though:



I was all cleaned up and showered at around 2 the next day, and was sitting on the couch watching TV. Eric came into the room, so I said "what's up, you stupid, fat queer?" I thought it was a perfectly normal thing to say to one of my best friends, but Eric decided to get pissy like a baby and pour an entire glass of water on my crotch. It took me 30 minutes to blow-dry my jeans.



After that ordeal, Eric, Gabe, and I went to Hollywood Mirror to meet up with Brittany and have one final lunch before our plane left.

We met Yaaz, a Japanese guy on a work Visa who speaks barely any English, at Hollywood Mirror. Brittany and the rest of the staff try to help him out by telling him useful statements and words to use with customers. As such, some of Yaaz's favorite things to say are "don't worry, sweet titties, I pervert," "your poontang is very nice," "titties is my favorite word ever," and "fingerbang is awesome." He has a "Bible" of words and definitions that he carries around, with useful things such as "Anal Sex = Sex in the butt" and "Sodomy = Anal Sex." Here's Yaaz in all of his glory:



Here's the last picture of the trip, taken in Hollywood Mirror, moments before Brittany, Gabe, Eric, and myself went to a really good Italian place off of Belmont called Leona's for a final lunch.

I'm a sailor:

--

I spent way too much time typing this all up. That was a great trip. If you haven't gone to Chicago, you should spend some time there. It's an amazing city with tons of great people and INCREDIBLE food. I must have put on five pounds at least as a result of my Chicago diet. I'm gonna miss that place.