countchocofangs

So Ive been thinking about my life, well the life that I had. Everything is changed, I assume not only for me but for a lot of people out there. Its a rough time, jobs are hard to come by, money is tight and food is less then nutritional and more of an ends to meet. I mean unless youre willing to pay for real unprocessed food then good for you. Although I would like to talk about how crummy times are right now I'm not going to.

What I want to write about is if everything is either bad or poor then what do we have to turn to for real comfort? I mean TV is great but it gets tiresome as do many other things. No, what we have as humans is each other. Why cant that be enough? Im not saying living on love and all that hippie ideas, even though I am a dreamer.

But realistically I wouldnt have mind being in a relationship where, both my partner and I go about are daily duties and responsibilities then come home and spend time with each other. I actually I did have this. I was in love and I think she loved me also. Though we didnt have the most exciting life if you looked at us through a looking glass (thank you Lewis Carroll) we were IN LOVE.

Each day was wonderful, magical and worth living. I was hers and she was mine. I couldnt wait to see her everyday and it would excite me to know that I would be seeing my love. We travel all around are town and city. Took small trips and enjoyed new and familiar foods. Its strange because we both found each other at our former work place and we were both laid off at that same job but at different times. It was around the time of the recession and although we both were receiving unemployment and looking for new jobs (that never came) we had so much fun just living. No pressure to get married or to have children or other societys pressures. We just lived. We were both in are own different world at that time I guess. For almost 4 years we where in total bliss then one day she decided that she wanted out and that nothing could save our relationship. It was a total Conan moment, actually a lot like Conan and NBC.

Well I wont go into any specific details but she found a decent job around mid 09 and I still was searching. Everything thing seemed ok but I should have known that something was becoming unhinged and disjointed. She was able to get me some work at that job of hers but it was very brief and only temporary, which was nice. But around mid Nov of 09 to Feb 10 there was something strange. She was not her usual self around me. I kept asking her to tell me what was bothering her and she would say that it was just, her being tired from work. Or she would say that its nothing major just family issues that I didnt need to really worry. I understand but yet, she was a bad liar. I knew something was wrong. I didnt know exactly what was really wrong but I should have. In late Dec of last year she kept mentioning about an old high school ex that was leaving to the army or whatever. Her friends where going to throw a party for him and she told me that he still has feelings for her but she didnt at all. They were barely even a real couple in high school. Although she did want to go to that party and because like a dumbnut I said go ahead or If you want me to go I will. She didnt and she was even sadder. Please remember I was blinded for my love for her. She seemed down and all I wanted was for her to be happy.
Here is the kicker. I was honest, loyal and trustworthy to her, maybe to a fault in our whole time together. Im not saying this for applause or a pat on the back, it just who I am. Ive been in a couple of long term relationships but I really trusted this girl with all my heart and soul. We both trusted each other; well thats what I thought. Then from mid Jan to march of this year we had the silent fight and it was insane because I thought I did something wrong. No, I should have known that she just wanted out and that either she was listening to her co-workers to dump me and get with a army guy with some sort of a carrier. Ill admit it, Im not the best looking guy and have plenty of flaws but they are things that can be worked at.

The silent fight came with not wanting to hold my hand or kiss me or give me hugs. There was barley any sex and if there was she was the one that advocated protection. This was a red flag because Im usually the one that wants and always uses protection. But over the course of our relationship I trusted her. I was so loyal to her like a puppy to a new owner. Then on March 1 she wanted the talk. I wanted the talk to but not over the phone. It happened, the harsh cold talk. Yet she wanted to me to end things. I told that this isnt right. We should sit down next to each other and discuss about are future before just giving up from our problems. Nope, she still insisted that it was a family/carrier issue with me and she couldnt see how it would work out. I said we could make it work if we give it a try. Thats the only way people get through hard times. Nope, she wanted out. So I told her to she had to end it. She of course did.

As the months passed by, I was destroyed. I would send her an email message once a month on how we could fix things if she wanted to talk. From March to May I would send her only one message per month but I figured that she didnt want me in her life. I went away for a bit and since I didnt have a face book account I asked one of my friends if we could find her. We did. Her picture on Facebook was with her new man lol, the ex who is in the army. The whole point is, why? Why did it have to happen this way? If she could have just been honest I said I dont want to be in this relationship anymore it would have made things much smoother. Ive would have been hurt but not as long as I have been now.

So I question loyalty which is defined as
1.The state or quality of being loyal; faithfulness to commitments or obligations.
2. A feeling or attitude of devoted attachment and affection.

And I question Honesty which is defined as
1. The quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness.
2. Truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness.
3. Freedom from deceit or fraud.
Does it matter anymore? I mean honest and loyalty. Because I think Im done with relationships. You put your heart and soul and you end up being bled drained. I dont know maybe I just have so much hope and trust that it bites me in the ass. Im so tired of this. Yeah it sounds like Im winning about how she deceived me. Yes that might be true. But its going to be 7 months; 5 months of those I gave her the benefit of doubt.
Its sad because as much as I love women, I have to stay away from them. I can only be friends with women. Sex is overrated so I can deal without it. I mean I love it (Sex) but Im not going to risk my feelings anymore. Ive been abstinent when I was 19 to 24 so I can do it again. Maybe Im selfish but I dont see any reasons why I would want to go back through a wonderful relationship then to have it turn awful. I miss her but at the same time I dont know her. In my opinion its the ultimate betrayal. At least Im still around, which I thought I wouldn't have been when all of this happened. But thats all I have to say at this time.
Bye.

This was us, now it's gone