** SOME MORE TALES OF DIPSHIT McFUCKYBUTT, the MORON BARISTA **
One day, Dippy found himself in a storewide meeting. Surrounded by folks of superior (read: normal) intelligence, he found himself at a loss -- since his peers were asking relevant questions about various topics, such as store operation, espresso preparation, wholesale accounts, and other delights. As the magical fairy manager doled out positive reinforcement to the good little attentive employees who asked questions that contained both a subject and a predicate, Dippy began to grow restless -- knowing in his soul that he was both destined to die alone and unable to concoct a latte that doesn't resemble a perversely burnt English muffin.
Alas, this didn't get Dippy down. Nay, in his ugly, severely retarded noggin, he began to construct a question that would shock his co-workers with its utter brilliance and uncanny thought-provoking-ishness! Finally, after many torturous moments of thinking, Dippy raised his hand. The fairy manager looked up from her enchanted clipboard, and said, "Yes, my child? What is troubling you on your journey through Caffieneworld?" Dippy eagerly piped up and said VERBATIM:
IF MAN BATHROOM IS FULL CAN WE USE THE PORTA-POTTY DOWN A STREET? I MEAN THE STREET -- CAUSE SOMETIMES I HAVE TO GO AND I REALLY CAN'T WAIT SO I'VE BEEN GOING AND USING IT. I KNOW IT'S ON A CONSTRUCTION SITE, BUT I ALWAYS GO AFTER THE WORKERS ALL LEAVE AND IT ACTUALLY SMELLS PRETTY FRESH FOR A PORTA-POTTY.
Much forehead slapping and silent "What the fuck?!" mouthing ensued among the other members present. Sadly, the question proved to be too overwhelming and inane for the poor fairy manager, and she promptly exploded in a bloodstorm of organs and confetti. I believe her last words were, "just be sure to wash your han....POOF!" She will be missed.
So friends, the next time you order a latte or a cup of tea in the pristine coffee capital of the Northwest, be advised that somewhere out there, there exists a barista who NOT ONLY makes mochas that look like abortions BUT ALSO can't wait two goddammed seconds for the mens' room to open up so he runs FIVE motherfucking blocks in the rain to crap in a god-forsaken Honey Bucket on a freakin' construction site at 11:00 PM.
*** THE END ***
One day, Dippy found himself in a storewide meeting. Surrounded by folks of superior (read: normal) intelligence, he found himself at a loss -- since his peers were asking relevant questions about various topics, such as store operation, espresso preparation, wholesale accounts, and other delights. As the magical fairy manager doled out positive reinforcement to the good little attentive employees who asked questions that contained both a subject and a predicate, Dippy began to grow restless -- knowing in his soul that he was both destined to die alone and unable to concoct a latte that doesn't resemble a perversely burnt English muffin.
Alas, this didn't get Dippy down. Nay, in his ugly, severely retarded noggin, he began to construct a question that would shock his co-workers with its utter brilliance and uncanny thought-provoking-ishness! Finally, after many torturous moments of thinking, Dippy raised his hand. The fairy manager looked up from her enchanted clipboard, and said, "Yes, my child? What is troubling you on your journey through Caffieneworld?" Dippy eagerly piped up and said VERBATIM:
IF MAN BATHROOM IS FULL CAN WE USE THE PORTA-POTTY DOWN A STREET? I MEAN THE STREET -- CAUSE SOMETIMES I HAVE TO GO AND I REALLY CAN'T WAIT SO I'VE BEEN GOING AND USING IT. I KNOW IT'S ON A CONSTRUCTION SITE, BUT I ALWAYS GO AFTER THE WORKERS ALL LEAVE AND IT ACTUALLY SMELLS PRETTY FRESH FOR A PORTA-POTTY.
Much forehead slapping and silent "What the fuck?!" mouthing ensued among the other members present. Sadly, the question proved to be too overwhelming and inane for the poor fairy manager, and she promptly exploded in a bloodstorm of organs and confetti. I believe her last words were, "just be sure to wash your han....POOF!" She will be missed.
So friends, the next time you order a latte or a cup of tea in the pristine coffee capital of the Northwest, be advised that somewhere out there, there exists a barista who NOT ONLY makes mochas that look like abortions BUT ALSO can't wait two goddammed seconds for the mens' room to open up so he runs FIVE motherfucking blocks in the rain to crap in a god-forsaken Honey Bucket on a freakin' construction site at 11:00 PM.
*** THE END ***
VIEW 12 of 12 COMMENTS
rice:
dude, you are truly a freak. and I better see youat karaoke as promised, or much ass-kicking will ensue.
baka_amerikanjin:
Berke is one of my heroes. His work heavily influenced my artistic style. In high school I had a regular comic strip in the school paper that was highly derivative of Bloom County.