Ah...it's Friday! Thanksgiving came and went -- I went to my friend Sam's (different Sam) house and had much drink and food. I'd never had fried turkey before -- six words -- GODDAMN! That's not really six words at all. Anyway, played some Set, played some Risk, met a girl that I fell desperately in love with but lives in California so I promptly fell out of love and realized that I was probably just drunk. My friend Ben made a few prank phone calls -- and was able to keep one girl on the phone for 53 minutes! What makes it even funnier is that most of that conversation consisted of visions of dead unicorns and Ben asking this moronic girl to spell various words. Incidentally, she's apparently a terrible speller.
In the end, though, it was a fairly nondescript Thanksgiving.
I'd rather talk about something else -- something I've had to get off my chest for a while now: People who think they know how to order coffee...
Here's what I hate:
"Um, I guess I'll have a Grande Decaf Nonfat Sugar-Free Vanilla Extra Hot Foamy Latte for here but in a to-go cup" --- all obviously rehearsed
The offenders are invariably yound blonde college girls (probably freshmen) or their suspiciously orange mothers. They usually travel in groups of four of more and wear sweatshirts featuring either their school sports team or a brand name of some sort. They rattle off that order with incredible speed and accuracy and -- no joking here -- I swear it's that same fucking drink EVERY single time. But I've seen hundreds of people order it it the two years I've been dealing with specialty coffee and it bugs the living bejeebus out of me. Why? Because they like hearing themselves order something "complicated". Maybe it makes them feel like a real Seattleite or a hardcore coffee snob. Well, let me tell you bimbos something: You are dummies and any barista worth his ir her salt is laughing his or her respective ass off at you the SECOND you sit down or walk out the door. You want piffle like that bullshit drink? Go to Starbucks! You think I'm joking? Here's a blow-by-blow analysis of why you are such a moron.
GRANDE Decaf Nonfat Sugar-Free Vanilla Extra Hot Foamy Latte for here but in a to-go cup
Ewww....yuck! You're drinking a frickin' PINT of hot milk here. Unless you've got rickets or something, there's NO NEED for you to be drinking that much milk at once! Gross! It's one think to drink sixteen ounces of drip coffee (it tastes good, for starters) but all that milk is gonna make you sick! Incidentally, I can't even believe that most places go up to 20 ounces (some even max out at 24). Don't get me wrong -- I LIKE milk, but that's just too much -- you little oinker! Hey! Don't bend over -- your curly pink tail shows, you fucking PIGGIE! Yeah, have an entire pint of hot milk with some other stuff in it too. That's just great, you glutton. I hope you can actually get out the door after you finish that -- OH WAIT -- of COURSE YOU CAN!!!! Why? Because almost evry single person whop gets a huge fluff drink like that NEVER FINISHES IT! Do you have any idea how many half-full coffee cups I find in the trash? Guess your eyes were bigger than your stomach, eh, you fucking lactose fetishist? Maybe next time, you'll maybe get an 8 ouncer with your goddamned chocolate cake and bottled water and actually finish it this time?! Oh but I guess it sounds cooler to say "grande" rather than "short", doesn't it? Oh well, I'd send the remains of your "coffee" to the starving folks in Ethioipia, but the Yirgacheffe farmers would probably shoot me the bird and say, "I can't drink this much milk! Are you trying to give me the runs or something? What the hell are you thinking? JESUS!!!!" Ok next....
Grande DECAF Nonfat Sugar-Free Vanilla Extra Hot Foamy Latte for here but in a to-go cup
Decaf? Decaf?! Are you retarded? I'm not saying that everyone should be running around like ninnies, caffiene-buzzed out of their gourd or anything. Granted caffiene is the drug of choice for a huge number of people in this world, including myself. And it's also true that there are a lot of people who are legitimately affected adversely by caffiene -- allergic reactions, nervous oversensitivity, digestive issues, etc... BUT NOT YOU!!!! Ohhh nooo, you're ordering DECAF just so you can throw another fucking modifier onto you lame excuse for coffee! And it's a fairly well -known fact that decaffienated coffee DOESN'T TASTE AS GOOD AS REGULAR COFFEE! So you have this lame foo-foo drink of yours that you are intentionally maing worse just so that you get to spend an extra half second in line sounding like a fucking coffee socialite in front of your lameass vomit-inducing posse. Do you have any idea how sad a barista gets at my store when they have to pull decaf shots for people who are ordering real drinks, but can't have caffiene? Huh?! Do ya?! But you know what? Take your goddamn decaf -- we don't want to watse our regualr on you anyway? And you decaf mocha people are the guiltiest of all since the chocolate in your drink has more caffiene than the coffee anyway. Maybe next time, I'll just hock up some chaw into your cup in lieu of espresso. It's the same color, and hey -- there's no caffiene in spitty chewing tobaccy, right? right? I hope you're happy....blasphemers.
Grande Decaf NONFAT Sugar-Free Vanilla Extra Hot Foamy Latte for here but in a to-go cup
Nonfat milk is blue and tastes like water. It does a better job of killing the taste of espresso than any other kind of milk (except rice milk -- that stuff is bizzare) since it tends to separate faster once steamed than other types. And before you play the health card, tons-of-fun, remember that the less fat you get in your milk, the more sugar you get. And since you're probably not exercising anyway, Butterchubbs, that sugar is going straight to your already humongous ass. Did I mention that Nonfat milk tastes shitty? And that you're drinking it?
I'm not done with you fuckers yet.
Grande Decaf Nonfat SUGAR-FREE VANILLA Extra Hot Foamy Latte for here but in a to-go cup
You know something? I realize that not everyone likes coffee. It's an acquired taste, to be sure and yes, there are people who will never ever come to appreciate the taste of Joe. I mean seriously, no amount of time sitting listening to an educated speaker talk about the intricacies of the world's best Chardonnay is gonna change my mind about how I loathe the taste of wine. Seriously -- smoking Cuba's finest cigars and eating France's finest cheeses is only going to make me ill. But here's the thing -- I'm not going to drink myself into a stupor so I can make believe that I'm enjoying a stogie. And I'm sure as hell not going to melt some expensive cheese onto a pizza just so that I can talk cheese with the elite of Wisconsin (or whatever). So why THE FUCK does anybody put a metallic-tasting, laboratory created, far sweeter than any natural flavored syrup into his or (probably) her drink so that they can say, "Mmm yeah, I went out for coffee today. Yeah, it was cool..." These people with their penchants for aluminum-flavored confections inevitably return to the counter with their drink after about 30 seconds and ask, "Erm...excuse me? Could I get some more SUGAR-FREE VANILLA syrup in my COFFEE?" The barista then says, "Certainly, miss! And by the way, I love your healthy-looking skin!" But in reality, the barista is thinking, "Yeah, let me add another four ounces of this swill to your "coffee". And for fuck's sake -- is there a worldwide shortage of beta-carotene that I don't know about, or is it just 'National Make Your Skin Look Like Cheddar Day'? Christ -- that is one BAD tanning job." So to summarize sugar-free syrups:
a) they taste like metal
b) they're usually flavored with aspartame or saccharin, both of which are way worse for you than sugar (unless you're diabetic)
c) if you're getting sugar-free syrup, you're either:
i)diabetic (excused)
ii)also getting nonfat milk which has more sugar than whole milk (coffee poser or misinformed Atkins fatass)
Grande Decaf Nonfat Sugar-Free Vanilla Extra Hot Foamy Latte for here but in a to-go cup
A good barista will steam the milk for a latte to about 145-155 Farenheight. Once you go over 180, the milk is essentially going through its entire lifespan in a matter of seconds as it breaks down into its basic chemical components. Ever pour out milk that's a week or two past the "sell by"date? You usually get a clear liquid, followed by thick white clumps. That's what is happening when that frumpitty cunt in line orders her latte to be heated to EXACTLY 195. And that is EXACTLY what she is going to get in her cup (along with some pretty bad diarrhea later). Bonus rant: if you order your latte to a specific temperature, be prepared to be hated forever by the people behind the counter because you are acting like you know more than they do, when really you are, in fact, exhibiting A-class dinksmanship. You don't want your lattes burned? Then stop going to fucking Starbucks, you moron!
Grande Decaf Nonfat Sugar-Free Vanilla Extra Hot Foamy Latte for here but in a to-go cup
Foamy, eh? Why don't you just put on a tutu and stay at home, you fag? No, I'm just kidding -- hey you know what? That Home Movies DVD boxed set I just got in the mail came packed in foam; why don't you just chew on that -- seeing as how you obviously don't give a damn about the taste of espresso....and why would you? It's not like your in a coffee sho----oh wait a sec... Well, I'm sure that delicious blend of 1 part milk and 5000 parts hot air is quite tasty too.
Grande Decaf Nonfat Sugar-Free Vanilla Extra Hot Foamy Latte FOR HERE BUT IN A TO-GO CUP
I'm sorry I ever doubted you people. You're obviously very mysterious and complex. Why else would you order a drink in a paper cup and then park your ass in a chair for nine hours straight? I hope that one day I'll be as enlightened as you fuckers.
***
Aahhhhhh......that felt good.
In the end, though, it was a fairly nondescript Thanksgiving.
I'd rather talk about something else -- something I've had to get off my chest for a while now: People who think they know how to order coffee...
Here's what I hate:
"Um, I guess I'll have a Grande Decaf Nonfat Sugar-Free Vanilla Extra Hot Foamy Latte for here but in a to-go cup" --- all obviously rehearsed
The offenders are invariably yound blonde college girls (probably freshmen) or their suspiciously orange mothers. They usually travel in groups of four of more and wear sweatshirts featuring either their school sports team or a brand name of some sort. They rattle off that order with incredible speed and accuracy and -- no joking here -- I swear it's that same fucking drink EVERY single time. But I've seen hundreds of people order it it the two years I've been dealing with specialty coffee and it bugs the living bejeebus out of me. Why? Because they like hearing themselves order something "complicated". Maybe it makes them feel like a real Seattleite or a hardcore coffee snob. Well, let me tell you bimbos something: You are dummies and any barista worth his ir her salt is laughing his or her respective ass off at you the SECOND you sit down or walk out the door. You want piffle like that bullshit drink? Go to Starbucks! You think I'm joking? Here's a blow-by-blow analysis of why you are such a moron.
GRANDE Decaf Nonfat Sugar-Free Vanilla Extra Hot Foamy Latte for here but in a to-go cup
Ewww....yuck! You're drinking a frickin' PINT of hot milk here. Unless you've got rickets or something, there's NO NEED for you to be drinking that much milk at once! Gross! It's one think to drink sixteen ounces of drip coffee (it tastes good, for starters) but all that milk is gonna make you sick! Incidentally, I can't even believe that most places go up to 20 ounces (some even max out at 24). Don't get me wrong -- I LIKE milk, but that's just too much -- you little oinker! Hey! Don't bend over -- your curly pink tail shows, you fucking PIGGIE! Yeah, have an entire pint of hot milk with some other stuff in it too. That's just great, you glutton. I hope you can actually get out the door after you finish that -- OH WAIT -- of COURSE YOU CAN!!!! Why? Because almost evry single person whop gets a huge fluff drink like that NEVER FINISHES IT! Do you have any idea how many half-full coffee cups I find in the trash? Guess your eyes were bigger than your stomach, eh, you fucking lactose fetishist? Maybe next time, you'll maybe get an 8 ouncer with your goddamned chocolate cake and bottled water and actually finish it this time?! Oh but I guess it sounds cooler to say "grande" rather than "short", doesn't it? Oh well, I'd send the remains of your "coffee" to the starving folks in Ethioipia, but the Yirgacheffe farmers would probably shoot me the bird and say, "I can't drink this much milk! Are you trying to give me the runs or something? What the hell are you thinking? JESUS!!!!" Ok next....
Grande DECAF Nonfat Sugar-Free Vanilla Extra Hot Foamy Latte for here but in a to-go cup
Decaf? Decaf?! Are you retarded? I'm not saying that everyone should be running around like ninnies, caffiene-buzzed out of their gourd or anything. Granted caffiene is the drug of choice for a huge number of people in this world, including myself. And it's also true that there are a lot of people who are legitimately affected adversely by caffiene -- allergic reactions, nervous oversensitivity, digestive issues, etc... BUT NOT YOU!!!! Ohhh nooo, you're ordering DECAF just so you can throw another fucking modifier onto you lame excuse for coffee! And it's a fairly well -known fact that decaffienated coffee DOESN'T TASTE AS GOOD AS REGULAR COFFEE! So you have this lame foo-foo drink of yours that you are intentionally maing worse just so that you get to spend an extra half second in line sounding like a fucking coffee socialite in front of your lameass vomit-inducing posse. Do you have any idea how sad a barista gets at my store when they have to pull decaf shots for people who are ordering real drinks, but can't have caffiene? Huh?! Do ya?! But you know what? Take your goddamn decaf -- we don't want to watse our regualr on you anyway? And you decaf mocha people are the guiltiest of all since the chocolate in your drink has more caffiene than the coffee anyway. Maybe next time, I'll just hock up some chaw into your cup in lieu of espresso. It's the same color, and hey -- there's no caffiene in spitty chewing tobaccy, right? right? I hope you're happy....blasphemers.
Grande Decaf NONFAT Sugar-Free Vanilla Extra Hot Foamy Latte for here but in a to-go cup
Nonfat milk is blue and tastes like water. It does a better job of killing the taste of espresso than any other kind of milk (except rice milk -- that stuff is bizzare) since it tends to separate faster once steamed than other types. And before you play the health card, tons-of-fun, remember that the less fat you get in your milk, the more sugar you get. And since you're probably not exercising anyway, Butterchubbs, that sugar is going straight to your already humongous ass. Did I mention that Nonfat milk tastes shitty? And that you're drinking it?
I'm not done with you fuckers yet.
Grande Decaf Nonfat SUGAR-FREE VANILLA Extra Hot Foamy Latte for here but in a to-go cup
You know something? I realize that not everyone likes coffee. It's an acquired taste, to be sure and yes, there are people who will never ever come to appreciate the taste of Joe. I mean seriously, no amount of time sitting listening to an educated speaker talk about the intricacies of the world's best Chardonnay is gonna change my mind about how I loathe the taste of wine. Seriously -- smoking Cuba's finest cigars and eating France's finest cheeses is only going to make me ill. But here's the thing -- I'm not going to drink myself into a stupor so I can make believe that I'm enjoying a stogie. And I'm sure as hell not going to melt some expensive cheese onto a pizza just so that I can talk cheese with the elite of Wisconsin (or whatever). So why THE FUCK does anybody put a metallic-tasting, laboratory created, far sweeter than any natural flavored syrup into his or (probably) her drink so that they can say, "Mmm yeah, I went out for coffee today. Yeah, it was cool..." These people with their penchants for aluminum-flavored confections inevitably return to the counter with their drink after about 30 seconds and ask, "Erm...excuse me? Could I get some more SUGAR-FREE VANILLA syrup in my COFFEE?" The barista then says, "Certainly, miss! And by the way, I love your healthy-looking skin!" But in reality, the barista is thinking, "Yeah, let me add another four ounces of this swill to your "coffee". And for fuck's sake -- is there a worldwide shortage of beta-carotene that I don't know about, or is it just 'National Make Your Skin Look Like Cheddar Day'? Christ -- that is one BAD tanning job." So to summarize sugar-free syrups:
a) they taste like metal
b) they're usually flavored with aspartame or saccharin, both of which are way worse for you than sugar (unless you're diabetic)
c) if you're getting sugar-free syrup, you're either:
i)diabetic (excused)
ii)also getting nonfat milk which has more sugar than whole milk (coffee poser or misinformed Atkins fatass)
Grande Decaf Nonfat Sugar-Free Vanilla Extra Hot Foamy Latte for here but in a to-go cup
A good barista will steam the milk for a latte to about 145-155 Farenheight. Once you go over 180, the milk is essentially going through its entire lifespan in a matter of seconds as it breaks down into its basic chemical components. Ever pour out milk that's a week or two past the "sell by"date? You usually get a clear liquid, followed by thick white clumps. That's what is happening when that frumpitty cunt in line orders her latte to be heated to EXACTLY 195. And that is EXACTLY what she is going to get in her cup (along with some pretty bad diarrhea later). Bonus rant: if you order your latte to a specific temperature, be prepared to be hated forever by the people behind the counter because you are acting like you know more than they do, when really you are, in fact, exhibiting A-class dinksmanship. You don't want your lattes burned? Then stop going to fucking Starbucks, you moron!
Grande Decaf Nonfat Sugar-Free Vanilla Extra Hot Foamy Latte for here but in a to-go cup
Foamy, eh? Why don't you just put on a tutu and stay at home, you fag? No, I'm just kidding -- hey you know what? That Home Movies DVD boxed set I just got in the mail came packed in foam; why don't you just chew on that -- seeing as how you obviously don't give a damn about the taste of espresso....and why would you? It's not like your in a coffee sho----oh wait a sec... Well, I'm sure that delicious blend of 1 part milk and 5000 parts hot air is quite tasty too.
Grande Decaf Nonfat Sugar-Free Vanilla Extra Hot Foamy Latte FOR HERE BUT IN A TO-GO CUP
I'm sorry I ever doubted you people. You're obviously very mysterious and complex. Why else would you order a drink in a paper cup and then park your ass in a chair for nine hours straight? I hope that one day I'll be as enlightened as you fuckers.
***
Aahhhhhh......that felt good.
And why would the starving people of Ethiopia want coffee dregs. We pay them thrity-two cents on the dollar to harvest that shit for us.