cosette

Okay so yesterday a friend of mine brings up the election. He asked if I saw Obama win. I did not see Obama win. I only saw part of it because I was asleep by 10 and had to get up at 6 to study for a test Wednesday. He asked if I saw the speeches. I said no, but I heard Obama's was a good speech and I heard the same about McCain. He didn't see McCain's speech because it was a "waste of time" Now, granted I did not vote for McCain, but I think it's tacky to refer to his speech as a "Waste of time." Then he asked why I was concerned with what he watched anyway. Uh...What? He brought up the whole thing in the first place, not me. So I had to go observe a class for my education class. I told him I had to go and to have a nice weekend. I came back with a message he sent me after I signed off that said "You are an ungrateful cunt" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. What the hell about that conversation was "ungrateful?" Oh man. I got such a kick out of it. It didn't even make sense. Ungrateful? Because I think reffering to the other candidate as a "waste of time" was tacky? I don't follow.

I got my one and only midterm back. I got a 98 out of 105. Fuck yes!

So the boy and I are working on our relationship only with no strings attached. I feel weird about it, but I didn't want to tell him that because I felt like...I don't know what I felt like. And I'm the one that suggested this, that's the kicker. I already regretted it later that night, but did I tell him that? No. I thought it being no strings attached would help solve our problems, individual and mutual. But then I thought about it and I want to work on them together. So what do we do whenever we have a problem? Solve it by ourselves with no strings attached? I'm an ass, but for some reason I still feel like some good can come out of this, but it's scary as shit too. I'm still going out there for Christmas as long as he wants me to. I have two feelings. I fucked everything up and now it's ruined and the other is it will make us stronger. Completely different feelings and I can't explain it. I can't explain at all how I'm feeling right now. I think it just really sunk in and now I'm realizing what exactly it is that I did. I was so sure that this would work and that this would be the best thing for us, but now I'm not so sure. It made so much sense when I went over it with different people and thought about it and made my lists of concrns and my pro-con list and everything else and now it doesn't make sense at all to me. This isn't a decision that I made in haste. I took my time. I thought about it from all different angles and took so many things into consideration. I made lists, I talked about it with friends and the school psychologist. I thought about other ways to make it better and this seemed to be the best one and now I hate myself for doing it. What the hell is going on in my life right now?

AND to make things worse my Tide-to-go pen won't work!! I have some kind of gunk on my new white turtleneck and I can't get it off OH!! And so I tried to shave my vagina last night. I succeeded, but god damn what a fucking hassle THAT was. See we have public showers so I always waited until I went home to shave. From now on I wait until I go home. Stupid stall showers.

I did some portfolio work today. I hope I get those shots back soon. They were so much fun to do, but they were all outdoors and it was cold as shit towards the end.

I didn't think I had that much to say when I came to update. I guess I just really needed to write it all out to make sense out of this whole thing. I'm scared to bring it up to him now because I spent all of last night defending this decision. He said things that I should have paid more attention to last night, but I didn't. He told me he could see us together in the future and when we are laying together it just feels right. You know what's scary? I can see us togther in the future too. Even when I was engaged, I didn't see him and I in the future together. The whole reason we were engaged is because of all the military perks he had and the fact that my family wouldn't have to worry about whether or not I had enough money, and they wouldn't have to worry so much about they are going to pay for school. That's not to say they wouldn't have had to at all, but they wouldn't have had to quite as much. Basically it was so I wasn't a burden for my family. So all the wrong reasons-party of one. But I can see myself with this boy and that scares me because I'm so young. But there really isn't a magical age when you find that one person is there? There's people that find them in high school, granted it doesn't happen much anymore, or they find then in college or something like that. Others don't find that one person until their 30's. So could I have found my one person at 19? So I get depper in and then it doesn't work out, I'm crushed. Then what? But I guess you can't live life by what ifs can you? Because then you don't take risks and you don't experience anything. Sometimes I think you just have to say "Fuck it"

This keeps getting longer and longer as I go on.So let's end on a positive note shall we? It's JOKE TIME!!! That's right I have a brand new one.

What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?