cosette

I debated about writing this in my blog and then I decided....fuck it.

Remember the fraternity that I always hng out with? The one I was an honorary member of and assured me that I finally found a place that I fit in? I know that's a really lame saying "A place where I fit in," but let's face it. We all just want to fit in. Maybe not with everyone and maybe not how it meant in high school, but find a group of friends, large or small, that you actually felt like you belonged with. You know what I mean? Well, aparently they want nothing else to do with me.

It started Friday night when we were all drinking and one of the members got mad at me. I had gone to the bathroom and I had left my purse in the room I was in. The door was locked when I came back so I knocked on it and he came out and told me not to do that again. Dude, I had to get my purse. What was I supposed to do?? After I got my purse I asked why he said that and next thing I know he is nose-to-nose in my face. I put my hand on his chest and asked him to please back up because it makes me uncomfortable to have people in my face, especially when I'm drunk. He got all offended and said something along the lines of him not being in my face to yell at me, but was just joking around. I told him it didn't matter I just don't like people being in my face. I don't even like my boyfriend to be in my face. It really makes me uncomfortable and the guys know that. Then he started screaming about how he was never mean to me and got mad at me "for accusing him of being mean to me all the time." ...What?? I never said he was mean to me.

Anyway so I walk away because it was going nowhere and he just kept getting louder and louder and I didn't want to make it worse so I walk away. A couple minutes later I'm talking to someone, I don't remember who or about what and all of a sudden he starts screaming these horrible things to me and cussing me out. He swings and one of the members pins him up against the wall. At this point I'm furious. This guy just tried to hit me. Yes, I probably should have just walked away, but I wasn't going to let him get away with that. That's bullshit. After a while I go into a room and the main girl of the fraternity (dreamgirl) tells the president of the frat what had just happend. It was the same story that I had just told you guys. He asked me if I was okay and I told him I was fine, but I wasn't going to wear their letters until the other guy apologized to me. I didn't even want a detailed apology. I just wanted a "Hey. My bad" I don't think that was too much to ask for.

So I get a text from the boy last night about how they kicked me off diamondcourt (Which is the honorary member thing that I spoke of earlier) They couldn't even tell me to my face. They had my boyfriend tell me. What's really fucked up is this guy has a history..a long...LOOOOOOOONG history of just flying off the handle out of nowhere. He's gone off on the treasurer because the treasurer asked him when he was going to pay his dues...which is his job.

So now I sit here and I keep thinking that I just lost the only group of friends here that I had. I have friends, but they are all other places. None of them are here. Oh and they had the nerve to tell me that I made the fraternity look bad because I wore a shirt that showed my midriff...keep in my mind they know I model for this site It's not easy for me to make friends and people always wonder why it is so hard for me to get close to people. This is why. I was close to all these guys..so close they have seen me cry which might not sound like a big deal to al of you, but me crying in front of people does not happen because that's me being vulnerable and I don't want people to see me like that. It's a very difficult thing for me to open up to people and cry in front of them and I did it with these guys and now look what happend. Maybe I'm better off because all I did was stand up for myself which is what they are supposed to be for. Stand up for yourself. Don't let anyone walk all over you. So I did...and now look. I have mixed feelings. I'm angry, I'm sad, I feel relieved in a way, I feel like there's no point in going to this school anymore, or even leaving my room for that matter.

I have no clue what to do. I feel like I'm disappearing..or if I jumped off a bridge no one would even notice.