cosette

A kick to the face with a side of "Sorry. You're not what I'm looking for" is what I have come to know. I didn't really think about it until I was laying in bed with the new boy (maybe?) last night. Then the thoughts of "Oh he isn't really into me. He just wants the sex, but I would rather be that then nothing at all" came flooding through. I know that is ridiculous. I know I know better. Could I stop myself from thinking these things? I didn't stand a chance. My choices last night were the following: Stay here and hold back the tears when I know I want to cry so bad or leave in the middle of the night to cry alone in my bed. I stayed there. No crying.

I couldn't fall asleep. I'm still groggy. That conversation is coming up. "I really like you and I want to know what we are." I'm dreading it. I get nervous over these conversations. I'm no good with stuff like that. I have no self-confidence. When do I bring it up? Should I bring it up? What if he really doesn't like me? My god I sond like a whiney 13-year-old.

I knew what I was to my ex. It was comforting. There were no questions. I was his and he was mine. Now that's over and I have to find out what I am to someone else, but there is always that doubt. "I want to be something to him..something more, but who am I kidding? I know I'm not." I want to get this over with before he changes his mind, but I don't know what to do. It's easier to let him make the first move whether it be good or bad or to just give up all together. I can't do this this time. I can't take the easy way out.

A little discouraged. So why? I have no idea. I had a good night last night. I always do. But last night was something different. I've never felt so vile...so disgusting...so perverse since that horrifying night 3 years ago. Why is this such a big deal for me? Why can't I just get this over with?

I could feel myself dying a little inside. I felt the tears preparing to do their seductive dance on my lips. I held them back and they gave up the fight to escape. Score one for Cosette.

So what exactly am I saying here? I wish I knew. It's a gloomy day. I'm sluggish and just want to curl in a ball in my bed and not leave for the whole day. A day filled with cat naps and a warm body next to me leaving kisses on my back and hot breaths in my ear all the while him pulling me closer into our cave and my safe haven.