Blast! It's been so long since I an updated. Blasted busy life.
Hmm, then again, I should be careful about what I curse. I think, despite all the stress and anxiety this life is causing me, I think I like it. I like to be busy. Don't get me wrong, taking a break is great. But if/when I get a genuine minute to myself, I don't know how to use it, or I feel like I am wasting it if I am not doing some kind of work. Summer is delightful, but it drives me crazy if I am not actively doing something with my days which is meant to improve my life in some manner. Work is an ambiguous word, work is only work if you make it such. So yes, I believe that I am most happy when I am using every minute of my day to improve my life in some way. This does indeed sometimes take the form of work. Hmm, improving my life. Improve, another ambiguous word.
What exactly is improving your life? Watch out, I'm going to get philosophical here, and probably quot Fight Club. "Self improvement is masturbation". Heh, see, I did it already.
But it's true. Self improvement, as we often consider it, often takes the guise of material possessions. Stuff, shit, garbage. Any crap we can fill our homes with. This is not improving yourself, in fact, all it does is enslave us. "The things you own, end up owning you". See, more Fight Club. A secret to a happy life is discovering how to improve yourself. Find what fulfills you. Otherwise you lie stagnant, never changing, never evolving and simply succumb to the IKEA nesting instinct as a form of enlightenment.
Speaking of hating the material world, I recently bought an ipod. I felt the need to show that I don't even live by own beliefs.
Normally I don't really care to talk about silly things I buy as a topic for journal entry, but that seemed relevant at the moment.
I jumped onto this topic of material-hating, despite the fact that I rant about it on a regular basis, because I have been thinking lately. I havn't been thinking about this philosophy, I came to these conclusions long ago. I am thinking about the age-hold question that every 20 year old seems to have. What the hell am I going to do with my life? Well, we have established I want to improve myself, that's for sure. But I have also established that the truly difficult part is understanding what it is that improves you. I realize some people never learn this. Perhaps that is why the age-old question that every 20 year old has is actually often found in every 20,30,40,50,60,70 and 80 year old as well.
So, do I want money in my life? It's hard for any chap to say no. But then again, I don't believe I do. I do however want enough to get by. So what is getting by? Depends on what kind of situation you are in. Do I want a family? I will battle with that question for a while. But if I did, then I would need money to fuel them. Hmm. These kinds of question rear their head in the light of school finishing soon. What am I going to do when I get out? So many damn questions. I am not even sure if I simply don't know the answers, or I just refuse to answer the question altogether. Anyway, I am starting to ramble. I need to get back to some more definitive points.
Theatre. I am a theatre major. What the hell was I thinking? I was thinking, I like theatre. I like being involved in the theatre. I have fun in the theatre. So it just seemed like a good choice at the time. Also, I think it was the only thing I was genuinely good at in high school. The only thing that I found I could separate myself from the rest of the crowed with. So I took it. I liked theatre, I was never passionate about it. And to be in this career you need to be passionate about theatre. So, am I passionate now? It's a strong word, one which I could use loosely in conversation but have I much harder time writing down in words. When you write something down, it gives it such more meaning, more truth. I have a hard time lying in writing.
I don't believe I am passionate about theatre. But after my studies, I have defiantly gained a much strong appreciation for theatre. And appreciation, and celebration, one, which I truthfully feel, borders on passion. But passion it is not, I am not quite there yet, and I don't know if I will ever be.
My next choice in schooling would have been history, which is equally useless in the outside world of money making. History, I am passionate about. I can't read books on theatre, I simply can't. They bore me, and I am forced time and time again to read them in my studies. History books however, despite how monotonous they probably really are, I love to read. This is why I am a classics minor. It's good fun in those lecture halls. I must admit however, when I did take my early Theatre History classes, I was captivated. What a combination for this noggin. Twas grand.
This moves me onto my next contemplative thought. This is my forth year. If I tried hard enough, and essentially bled out of every pore, I might be able to graduate this year. However, I would not be able to graduate with my classics minor. So, I need to make this choice before second semester. Do I want to be here for 5 years? The upside would be, I would not have to put myself through the ringer to get all these production credits done (production credit being extra circular theatre work, part of my required credit) and I would also get to finish my classics minor (hence my portion about how I am passionate about history). Downside, I will be here for 5 years. It will put me another $10,000 in the hole.
So, I am thinking, after much debate, that I am going to go for it. I will go 5 years. The time and money are nothing. Once I am $40,000 in debt, I might as well be $50,000. I am going to be paying it off until I am old and wrinkled, so what differnce does it make? The time? I am moving no where fast. When I get out of school, I don't have any kind of direction I am going to jump on. I might as well give myself another year so that I can think about it further.
My last reason, is a little more embarrassing. For the first time, I feel like I know people in my department. Yes, it's sad but true. I am a friendless bastard. However, after being here for 4 years, it seems like people now know my name. I always lagged behind, never really connected to others like everyone else seemed to. For my first 3 years in the theatre department I felt like nobody knew me. It's my fault really, I didn't make any effort to get to know anyone. I never thought myself shy before, but it turns out I really was. Go figure. I just came to this conclusion a couple of days ago. Thanks to dear Christine Northy. I was sitting in the lobby with her, waiting for Katie to show up for our rehearsal, and people were coming in and out of the building. Each time someone walked past me they stopped. They stopped and talked to me. Not just a passing wave, but they stopped and actually had something to say to me. Sometimes it was business, because I am working on a lot of projects with people, and sometimes it was just pleasure, sharing a story or something. I didn't think much of it at the time, but as myself and Christine were heading up the stairs to rehearse she says "Holy crap, everyone in this building seems to know you". I stopped and thought. She was right. People do know me now. It's never been like that before. And what can I say? I felt special. It made me happy. Cheesy stuff. Kinda of pathetic and embarrassing, but true as true can be. Living in this city for a long time now, and I still feel like I lost a lot of important friends by moving. Now, I finally feel like I can belong a little again. It's nice. Even all the teachers seem to know who I am, even if the only reason they remember my name is because I keep failing to get their homework in on time. Heh.
So, this little tidbit of sappy sense of acceptance does indeed make it much less painful to stick around for 5 years. Many people I know will still be here, and now, I don't dread hanging around the building so much. I think it's time to make my choice about the fifth year, and I believe I know the best path to walk.
My posts are always long these day. A little too long if you ask me. But then again, they are infact simply for homework, and for my own personal rant. I should remember they are not for the personal entertainment of other, despite that I like to take them down that road. Maybe like time I will have a little more fun. I felt like thinking about my life tonight. Once again, kudos if you actually read these things. You crazy loons you.
Hmm, then again, I should be careful about what I curse. I think, despite all the stress and anxiety this life is causing me, I think I like it. I like to be busy. Don't get me wrong, taking a break is great. But if/when I get a genuine minute to myself, I don't know how to use it, or I feel like I am wasting it if I am not doing some kind of work. Summer is delightful, but it drives me crazy if I am not actively doing something with my days which is meant to improve my life in some manner. Work is an ambiguous word, work is only work if you make it such. So yes, I believe that I am most happy when I am using every minute of my day to improve my life in some way. This does indeed sometimes take the form of work. Hmm, improving my life. Improve, another ambiguous word.
What exactly is improving your life? Watch out, I'm going to get philosophical here, and probably quot Fight Club. "Self improvement is masturbation". Heh, see, I did it already.
But it's true. Self improvement, as we often consider it, often takes the guise of material possessions. Stuff, shit, garbage. Any crap we can fill our homes with. This is not improving yourself, in fact, all it does is enslave us. "The things you own, end up owning you". See, more Fight Club. A secret to a happy life is discovering how to improve yourself. Find what fulfills you. Otherwise you lie stagnant, never changing, never evolving and simply succumb to the IKEA nesting instinct as a form of enlightenment.
Speaking of hating the material world, I recently bought an ipod. I felt the need to show that I don't even live by own beliefs.
Normally I don't really care to talk about silly things I buy as a topic for journal entry, but that seemed relevant at the moment.
I jumped onto this topic of material-hating, despite the fact that I rant about it on a regular basis, because I have been thinking lately. I havn't been thinking about this philosophy, I came to these conclusions long ago. I am thinking about the age-hold question that every 20 year old seems to have. What the hell am I going to do with my life? Well, we have established I want to improve myself, that's for sure. But I have also established that the truly difficult part is understanding what it is that improves you. I realize some people never learn this. Perhaps that is why the age-old question that every 20 year old has is actually often found in every 20,30,40,50,60,70 and 80 year old as well.
So, do I want money in my life? It's hard for any chap to say no. But then again, I don't believe I do. I do however want enough to get by. So what is getting by? Depends on what kind of situation you are in. Do I want a family? I will battle with that question for a while. But if I did, then I would need money to fuel them. Hmm. These kinds of question rear their head in the light of school finishing soon. What am I going to do when I get out? So many damn questions. I am not even sure if I simply don't know the answers, or I just refuse to answer the question altogether. Anyway, I am starting to ramble. I need to get back to some more definitive points.
Theatre. I am a theatre major. What the hell was I thinking? I was thinking, I like theatre. I like being involved in the theatre. I have fun in the theatre. So it just seemed like a good choice at the time. Also, I think it was the only thing I was genuinely good at in high school. The only thing that I found I could separate myself from the rest of the crowed with. So I took it. I liked theatre, I was never passionate about it. And to be in this career you need to be passionate about theatre. So, am I passionate now? It's a strong word, one which I could use loosely in conversation but have I much harder time writing down in words. When you write something down, it gives it such more meaning, more truth. I have a hard time lying in writing.
I don't believe I am passionate about theatre. But after my studies, I have defiantly gained a much strong appreciation for theatre. And appreciation, and celebration, one, which I truthfully feel, borders on passion. But passion it is not, I am not quite there yet, and I don't know if I will ever be.
My next choice in schooling would have been history, which is equally useless in the outside world of money making. History, I am passionate about. I can't read books on theatre, I simply can't. They bore me, and I am forced time and time again to read them in my studies. History books however, despite how monotonous they probably really are, I love to read. This is why I am a classics minor. It's good fun in those lecture halls. I must admit however, when I did take my early Theatre History classes, I was captivated. What a combination for this noggin. Twas grand.
This moves me onto my next contemplative thought. This is my forth year. If I tried hard enough, and essentially bled out of every pore, I might be able to graduate this year. However, I would not be able to graduate with my classics minor. So, I need to make this choice before second semester. Do I want to be here for 5 years? The upside would be, I would not have to put myself through the ringer to get all these production credits done (production credit being extra circular theatre work, part of my required credit) and I would also get to finish my classics minor (hence my portion about how I am passionate about history). Downside, I will be here for 5 years. It will put me another $10,000 in the hole.
So, I am thinking, after much debate, that I am going to go for it. I will go 5 years. The time and money are nothing. Once I am $40,000 in debt, I might as well be $50,000. I am going to be paying it off until I am old and wrinkled, so what differnce does it make? The time? I am moving no where fast. When I get out of school, I don't have any kind of direction I am going to jump on. I might as well give myself another year so that I can think about it further.
My last reason, is a little more embarrassing. For the first time, I feel like I know people in my department. Yes, it's sad but true. I am a friendless bastard. However, after being here for 4 years, it seems like people now know my name. I always lagged behind, never really connected to others like everyone else seemed to. For my first 3 years in the theatre department I felt like nobody knew me. It's my fault really, I didn't make any effort to get to know anyone. I never thought myself shy before, but it turns out I really was. Go figure. I just came to this conclusion a couple of days ago. Thanks to dear Christine Northy. I was sitting in the lobby with her, waiting for Katie to show up for our rehearsal, and people were coming in and out of the building. Each time someone walked past me they stopped. They stopped and talked to me. Not just a passing wave, but they stopped and actually had something to say to me. Sometimes it was business, because I am working on a lot of projects with people, and sometimes it was just pleasure, sharing a story or something. I didn't think much of it at the time, but as myself and Christine were heading up the stairs to rehearse she says "Holy crap, everyone in this building seems to know you". I stopped and thought. She was right. People do know me now. It's never been like that before. And what can I say? I felt special. It made me happy. Cheesy stuff. Kinda of pathetic and embarrassing, but true as true can be. Living in this city for a long time now, and I still feel like I lost a lot of important friends by moving. Now, I finally feel like I can belong a little again. It's nice. Even all the teachers seem to know who I am, even if the only reason they remember my name is because I keep failing to get their homework in on time. Heh.
So, this little tidbit of sappy sense of acceptance does indeed make it much less painful to stick around for 5 years. Many people I know will still be here, and now, I don't dread hanging around the building so much. I think it's time to make my choice about the fifth year, and I believe I know the best path to walk.
My posts are always long these day. A little too long if you ask me. But then again, they are infact simply for homework, and for my own personal rant. I should remember they are not for the personal entertainment of other, despite that I like to take them down that road. Maybe like time I will have a little more fun. I felt like thinking about my life tonight. Once again, kudos if you actually read these things. You crazy loons you.