corpse81

I have no idea who I am anymore. Ever since that asshole psuedo dumped me, my confidence in myself has been slowly rotting away. I've never had this happen to me before. I can't exactly put my finger on it, but I think it has something to do with me misjudging someone so bad. I thought I was able to see through bullshit and lies, but apparently I was wrong. I'm not so sure this BDSM lifestyle is for me. Ever since I got into it, its been eating away at my soul. Everyone I've met off alt.com has only wanted "play partners". I thought I could do it; just have the sex and no emotions. But its not working so well. I'm starting to feel like how I did in high school; not cool enough for the freaks and too freaky for the cool people. I am in limbo. I don't fucking fit in anywhere. I think I cling to sex because that is what men respond to, so I use sex as a way to keep them from totally leaving my life. I figure once a month is better than nothing at all. Its fucking pathetic. I am so incredably bored at home, all I do is watch tv, play video games and fuck around online. And eat, and shit, and pee, and drink. And the pain in my neck is getting worse. Its like having a terminal illness but I don't get the luxury of death. Try to imagine walking around all day with a vice screwed to your trapezius muscle, then having someone prick the bones on your neck with a pin every 2 minutes. And when I get home, it doesnt go away. I still have the burning sensation and I really think its driving me insane. I cried last nite and I'm crying again right now, I haven't cried since Sept. of 2006, but I had a reason to do it then (break up).

Alot of people have goals in their lives, values and such. Some people are career oriented or want to have an exciting night life. I value intense loving relationships. All my life thats what I've done; seek out someone to love me unconditionally (mommy and daddy issues obviously). I've spent money; I've dropped out of school; I've given up friends; all to make 1 person happy. In the end, I ended up screwing myself over because these people were manipulative and controlling. I told myself I would never let that happen again. I'm not as bad as I was 7 years ago and I know I would never totally revert to that kind of behavior. But I've been freaking out about not having a "mate" (I hate using the word "boyfriend" because it makes me seem like I'm some desperate bitch who just wants to get married and have kids, which I don't want either one). I just want my soul mate. Someone I click with, someone who gets me, who understands me, who fucks me good, who loves me unconditionally. Something I never had growing up (well, heh, the unconditional love that is). Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to jump into a relationship with someone I cant stand, chemistry is very important. I'm not asking for any old fucktard to pretend he loves me, I really am sick of looking and everyday it gets more and more frustrating. Even with the guys I'm not really crazy about; just the fact that something doesn't work tears a little part of my soul everytime it happens. Nothing personal, it just happens. I'm turning 26 on the 21st, after dating for 9 years, I'm still in the same fucking spot. Although I know what I DON'T want, so thats good. I wouldn't change anything thats happened to me, it all happened to make me the person I am today. But I'm really getting sick of searching for something I want so badly and coming up empty handed. At some point, I guess I should just give up.