corporate_punk

ok so ive writin a few things on the computer the past few days and im gonna share them with you so this may turn out to be a kinda long post and go all over the map but they are all just kinda random thoughts throughout the past few days. oh and people if you care just a little bit go give some love to vinyle and laceyglove. they could use it.

i just love having a good cuddle buddy. cuddle buddies are just awesome. for those brief moments your not alone. you feel that someone cares about you. they are sharing something great with you. i dont know if this sounds weird coming from a guy or not but i honestly love it. SPOON!!!!!

i decided to have a relaxing night by myself tonight. just me and the tv. ive been listening to the new 30 sec. to mars cd like all night. for some reason every time i listen to them new or old stuff something just clicks with me. i tend to realize different things about myself that i somehow tend to forget. or maybe its things that i hide from everyone else and im so busy trying to be a person or a part of me that is trapped inside that the true self has trouble coming out or finding some air. i never really know what the true me is or is there really one true side but many faces that all come back to one person. maybe there are like 4 different faces and if you combine them all then they make one. but none of them came come out at the same time so its always a different face that someone sees. maybe i just hit a bunch of different emotions and they go through me like a roller coaster. i am always going really high up or dropping really fast and am having a hard time coasting in a straight line. i got to have some bumps along the way otherwise it must be boring right?? when i was younger i would like to describe myself as a simple person who wanted simple things in life. i had already experienced a lot in my life at the time but to me there wasn't a lot about me. well i guess as the years have gone by i complicate my life and need certains in my life. chaos, friction, drama, struggle, just to name a few things i can never get rid of.

i wish i would start drawing again. i really miss it. it was a way for me to put my thoughts and ideas into something other then words. but i never developed my talent fully so i always had trouble getting the picture onto paper. it would piss me off cause what was getting put on paper was sometimes not how i pictured it. but sometimes it would work. i really need to start again. but i always felt that i came up with everything i ever did great when i was drinking. i dont want to drink just to create. maybe im afraid of something. im not really sure but should look into that one of these days.

i am so fucking bored right now it is ridiculous. i have literally nothing to do but sit on my ass. i already played video games and watched a few movies. i am so alone right now that i wish i had just about anyone to hang out with and maybe cuddle up with and just fall asleep. i wish i had some friends that lived closer to me that way i wouldnt not be wasting gas to go hang out for a few hours then drive home. i need some real local cuddle buddies. i love everyone i hang out with but i get left out of a lot of stuff cause i live so far away. i almost kinda want a girlfriend that way i have something to occupy my time but everytime i meet someone or talk to someone it never works out the way i wish it would. i know i will find someone some day i just wish that day would hurry the fuck up sometimes. i hate being alone. it starts to bring the worst out in me. i become very bitter and angry. then when i do hang out with people i act different cause i got use to being by myself that i really dont care if im with people or not. it is very weird sometimes im an attention whore where i need to have at least one persons attention throughout the night and other nights i can just sit in the corner and go unnoticed. i guess it all depends on if im in a good mood or not. and lately i havent been in a good mood. and i dont even feel like drinking thats the weird part. i think i am a bit jealous of everyone i know that has somebody in their life. i know that they have something that makes them happy whenever they are feeling down. i wish i had that. i want to be able to think about someone i care for and when i do it gives me a smile. or when they see me looking a bit depressed they do something stupid to make me laugh. someone that i can go to when ive had a long day or even a day day and they just lay with me and hold me and make me feel comfortable with the way i am. now i know it is hard to find someone that understands me. i know im a big ball of shit that somehow completes a person. people like different part of me but i dont think anyone really understands me. part of that is because i dont let anyone know about me. no one knows about my past. of course no one ever asks questions either but i think the key to finding out about me and knowing who i really am as a person lies in my past. if you knew the things i have done and how i was treated as a child it answers a lot of questions about who i am today. I JUST TRUELY WANT TO BE LOVED BY SOMEONE!!!!!