Right now I'm supposed to be happy. I just moved to a new place that I own completely, I'm playing a cool show with my band tonight and my life is good ! But today I feel overwhelmed with sadness and crippling anxiety. I've been struggling with anxiety and depression most of my life.. Sometimes it doesn't bother me much and I forget about it.. The last couple of days I've been feeling great ! Yesterday I was on top of the world. I had a great day at work then I came home and hung out with my boyfriend. When we were deciding what to do for dinner my mom called me.. Inviting us out to dinner. I wasn't really sure as my stepdad was going to be there, but I asked my boyfriend and he said "free food!" We really shouldn't have gone. I always try to make my mom happy and pretend to be ok with my stepdad. But every time he's around he's demanding and controlling and tells me what to do.. He robbed me of my childhood and mentally and physically abused me for most of it. At dinner he kept telling me I had to come see some trailer that he saw on the side of the road and kept inviting himself over to my new my place. Being around him and when he acts like that brings up those feelings of helplessness and desperation I felt in my childhood. By the time I got out of there I was on the edge of a nervous break down. When I got home it hit me. I'm honestly trying to pull it together. It just so unfair that my mom tries to pretend everything's ok and tries to make me be friendly with my stepdad. I think I've decided that I'm not going to talk to and spend as much time with my mom, I can't stand this happening anymore. I feel this horrible darkness and it's not pretty. It makes me push people away because I don't want to hurt them. I asked my boyfriend to leave because I've just been so nasty all day. Now I feel alone :( please send some good vibes this way. I don't like posting these kind of things and never do because I hate bringing other people down. But I really needed to vent. Thanks for being here.
Xoxo Coralia
