On relations...
It was about a year and a half ago that my 5 year long relationship ended. We'd both had enough of trying to make something work that just couldn't - we were both sick of lying to eachother and to ourselves, saying all the right things but not knowing how to act on them. The denial had caught up with us; finally and irrefutably, things ended.
God, it feels like a lifetime ago.
Since then, I've been learning a lot about people, something I never did when I was in this relationship - it's too easy to stay at home friday nights, to lose touch with your friends, to be complacent. I've adopted that trait from my parents, and look how well it worked out for them...
And now I've moved away from Canada and my friends and my family. Having new experiences, trying new things, meeting new people.
Now I find myself at the start of two very promising relationships with people that I adore and admire. Granted, it's very early to be saying such things, but I haven't been on a first date in about 3 months, and my excitement is directly proportional to my need to feel something exciting.
I notice a trait that I've seen before - the smallest hint of hesitation - a short pause in conversation where her eyes have focused on something ancient in her life, embedded and echoing, scarred but not healed. Some lifetime ago she's reliving, recurring, dismembering.
These moments I dislike. Normally I'd blame myself for putting someone in this situation - for being too forward, for not being sensitive, trying to adjust my behaviour to fit with what I think she wants/needs.
But that's a waste of time. Too many women that I meet have hangups over past relationships - some jackass broke their heart, soul, jaw, ability to be vulnerable.
To these women, who all disappear one day without a trace, choosing to recoil when emotions are controlled enough that it only hurts a little to break something off, to these women whom I miss, Marianne Faithful wrote a lyric for you - 'When you remember who I am just call.'
It was about a year and a half ago that my 5 year long relationship ended. We'd both had enough of trying to make something work that just couldn't - we were both sick of lying to eachother and to ourselves, saying all the right things but not knowing how to act on them. The denial had caught up with us; finally and irrefutably, things ended.
God, it feels like a lifetime ago.
Since then, I've been learning a lot about people, something I never did when I was in this relationship - it's too easy to stay at home friday nights, to lose touch with your friends, to be complacent. I've adopted that trait from my parents, and look how well it worked out for them...
And now I've moved away from Canada and my friends and my family. Having new experiences, trying new things, meeting new people.
Now I find myself at the start of two very promising relationships with people that I adore and admire. Granted, it's very early to be saying such things, but I haven't been on a first date in about 3 months, and my excitement is directly proportional to my need to feel something exciting.
I notice a trait that I've seen before - the smallest hint of hesitation - a short pause in conversation where her eyes have focused on something ancient in her life, embedded and echoing, scarred but not healed. Some lifetime ago she's reliving, recurring, dismembering.
These moments I dislike. Normally I'd blame myself for putting someone in this situation - for being too forward, for not being sensitive, trying to adjust my behaviour to fit with what I think she wants/needs.
But that's a waste of time. Too many women that I meet have hangups over past relationships - some jackass broke their heart, soul, jaw, ability to be vulnerable.
To these women, who all disappear one day without a trace, choosing to recoil when emotions are controlled enough that it only hurts a little to break something off, to these women whom I miss, Marianne Faithful wrote a lyric for you - 'When you remember who I am just call.'