contradiction

Wow, I just wrote this huge journal entry, and then screwed the pooch and erased it. D'oh! So here we go again. One more time for the retards in the back.

Anyways...things are better. I am really confused though. Why do they keep getting to this point? Why do I feel like in the grand scheme of things, there is a subconscious game of "I've got the Power" going on here?

Interestingly enough, I did a tarot reading today, and this is what it said (in part):

"The Eight of Cups in this position indicates that you may have caught a glimpse of the dark side of a loved one, an unconsciously selfish side that tries to take advantage. You are facing a tough choice. If you let boundary violations slide in the name of devotion, you are likely to compound the damage to your self-esteem. If you protest, you risk being misunderstood or, more painfully, a rejected scapegoat. Study your relationship with a cool head. Be as objective as you can be. Avoid sentimentality. Are you clear on what you are dealing with? Are you emotionally courageous enough to take the steps that will protect you from negative elements in this relationship? If so, coolly draw the line and defend your boundaries. This is not a time for hysterics. But it may be a time to stand up for yourself."

Isn't that what I tried to do the other night? Isn't that what backfired like a motherfucker?

It's funny, my guy was talking about one of our clients today...and he made the statement "Some people hear only their preconcieved notions, as opposed to what you really say to them." I just wanted to shout - Yeah, like you, dude. Like you twisting every sign and symbol that the universe gives you about your personal life into something about your career. A career that isn't even going to occur if you don't get your personal growth up to speed with the career stuff.

Of course, I have said this. And damned if I wasn't just a crazy demanding bipolar bitch. *sigh*

He also has not completed the updates to the band site so I have taken all references to the band off my myspace profiles. I still have stuff for findafreek, but I have nixed all references to me rejoining fetisch. This should have been done MONTHS ago. I am not being a prima donna - I just don't do work on shit that I don't get credit for. Too old for that. This isn't some freakin amusement anymore.

So what is up with everyone else? Share! I am really curious.

My thought for the day: pfffft.

My listening pleasure: REM, Tori, and a new nifty work in progress from my guitarist (in 7/4 no less). It's like Dream Theater industrial.

Song lyrics:
"is he real or a ghost-lie
she feels she isn't heard
and the veil tears and rages
till her voices are remembered
and his secrets can be told...
so she prays
for a prankster and lust
in the marriage bed
and he waits till she can give
and he waits and he
waits..."
-- Tori Amos, "Lust"

Wearing: jeans and a Human Factors Lab tshirt. BTW - we are doing a show (well, dunno if I am going to be doing anything - but I will be there) on Jan 15th at some club in Orlando called Island Oasis or some shit. Be there. I would love to see some of my FL peeps.

*****************Update*************************

I am gonna shoot myself. No not really. I am a bit melodramatic.

Today, my guy and I were talking about what we were going to do considering it is the 6 month anniversary of us getting back together officially...and I mentioned that maybe it wasn't such a big deal, that maybe I was overblowing the whole thing. He says, "People celebrate their anniversary every year. I guess if we had a real anniversary, it wouldn't be such a big deal..." Dude OUCH. Isn't that what I have wanted? Why the stab?

Wow. I just got this feeling that I am not present in my own life. That how did I get here feeling. The who are you and what the fuck are you doing here feeling. Like everything is a dream. Totally unrelated, but I thought I would share.