Well, things were better and as is so prevalent in my life, they got worse. I made the mistake of sharing my feelings on the subject of personal growth and focus, life immersion, etc. last night (as is so much more likely when my meds have not 100% kicked in) and I not only got shot down, I got accused of being crazy, I got the "this is just like 5 years ago when everything went to shit" speech, I got "I am not sure we are going to make it through this, I forgot how strong your disease really was, how foolish of me". Two hours earlier, I heard that no matter what, he was sticking by me, that I was his life. None of this makes sense. None of it.
So I intend to throw myself headlong into creating beautiful music and brace for my whole world to be destroyed again. Oh yes, and wonder why the FUCK I did this to myself in the first place, knowing what I know. I mean, when you hand a knife to someone, and they stab you to death, in your next life (5 years later) do you hand them a rifle and say "have at it"? Am I really that stupid? I used to be so cautious. I have never loved anyone the way that I love him. No one has ever hurt me the way that he has. And I allow it.
Maybe I really am just feeling like shit and this will all pass. But nothing repairs those words, those subtle threats that again, I am going to lose this. I have tried so hard. I can only do so much with what I was given.
I am just going to have to push my focus to other things, and hope that when the smoke clears, I am not again a pile of smoking rubble in the dark.
Love fucking sucks ass.
What is the point of being side by side with your twin flame, your soul mate above all others, and to have them say that their support is conditional on you controlling the uncontrollable.
My thought for the day: It's all a big farce people. Nothing is real. Nothing is sacred. No one is coming to our aid. Save yourselves.
My listening pleasure: Nothing yet...haha. It's early for me.
Song lyrics:
"Something in me, dark and sticky
All the time it's getting strong
No way of dealing with this feeling
Can't go on like this too long
This time you've gone too far
I told you
Don't talk back
Just drive the car
Shut your mouth
I know what you are
Don't say nothing
Keep your hands on the wheel
Don't turn around
This is for real
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me, I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt..."
Wearing: I am so lazy...a tank top and comfy pants that I wore to bed. Puffy eyes...and I never cry.
So I intend to throw myself headlong into creating beautiful music and brace for my whole world to be destroyed again. Oh yes, and wonder why the FUCK I did this to myself in the first place, knowing what I know. I mean, when you hand a knife to someone, and they stab you to death, in your next life (5 years later) do you hand them a rifle and say "have at it"? Am I really that stupid? I used to be so cautious. I have never loved anyone the way that I love him. No one has ever hurt me the way that he has. And I allow it.
Maybe I really am just feeling like shit and this will all pass. But nothing repairs those words, those subtle threats that again, I am going to lose this. I have tried so hard. I can only do so much with what I was given.
I am just going to have to push my focus to other things, and hope that when the smoke clears, I am not again a pile of smoking rubble in the dark.
Love fucking sucks ass.
What is the point of being side by side with your twin flame, your soul mate above all others, and to have them say that their support is conditional on you controlling the uncontrollable.
My thought for the day: It's all a big farce people. Nothing is real. Nothing is sacred. No one is coming to our aid. Save yourselves.
My listening pleasure: Nothing yet...haha. It's early for me.
Song lyrics:
"Something in me, dark and sticky
All the time it's getting strong
No way of dealing with this feeling
Can't go on like this too long
This time you've gone too far
I told you
Don't talk back
Just drive the car
Shut your mouth
I know what you are
Don't say nothing
Keep your hands on the wheel
Don't turn around
This is for real
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me, I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt..."
Wearing: I am so lazy...a tank top and comfy pants that I wore to bed. Puffy eyes...and I never cry.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
Alive
nothing ever makes sense, thats the point of the game of life. we are dealt our challenges only because we are strong enough to handle them. i wish it could be kittens and candycanes all the time...but it can't, and that's why we have to take a step back and look objectively at our situations...i'm dead sure you have a zillion others in your life that can help you...you have me too, we've never even met. others shortcomings aren't your problem. it's only you that matters. you're not crazy.
peace be with you,
vanexxa