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contradiction

2nd circle of hell

Member Since 2003

Followers 126 Following 111

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Thursday Feb 23, 2006

Feb 23, 2006
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Poop on everything.

Had to get a day job. It is a fun job, Network Admin for a resort, and the people there rock ass. But I am bummed that I have to work full time outside the home. I should start one of those donate a dollar to me funds - I can't even afford gas to get to work if I run out. It blows.

My guy is not working, which is pissing me off. Well technically he is trying to make our business work, but we lost a $50K a year client, and trust me, I am NOT making $50K a year. The clients we do still have are not paying. Our rent was due weeks ago and the car people call every day. I am REALLY scared. Seriously.

Which gets me to this - he is angry at me because I wish he would respect the fact that in one week, I went from sending out resumes to having a full time day job. No shit. That quick. I was hired an hour after I was interviewed. Everyone else has been proud of me, and his response is "well I worked for x months and you weren't (he lies about the amount of months to draw out his martyrship), and now you have to do it and you are upset". I told him congrats, he got me back then. What the fuck kinda person demands ass-kissing when he has a job, then when he doesn't, demands ass-kissing for having one previously? What the hell? I am the one with the job now. Putz.

Then he whipped out "You were using me to support you". OHHHH NO. Not even. First of all, I have supported myself more or less since I was 15. Second, I have been out of a day job for two years, but I got unemployment (which along with generous donations from the grandparents paid our bills for the first 6 months). After that, he wanted to partner up to manage clients, so I did that for about 6 months. Then he hired a friend to manage clients, and pretty much ditched me, saying that he wanted me to be able to not work, except on my clothing site, Nytemeres, which is not pulling a profit yet. So I did that for 7 months. So "using"? Yes, I got back together with a guy who moved from CA with no job and pretty much no income, to use him to support me. What the FUCK ever. Then he gets his shit together and all of a sudden, he has been overburdened and I am a golddigging bitch. FUCK YOU DUDE.

So now I have a job, and he sits at home, cooks and cleans when he feels like it (which I did before, along with laundry, which I am still doing), and plays video games and occasionally does sales calls. Now - he has cooked me some good food. But don't fucking hold that over my head. That's assinine. His guilt trips make Jewish mothers jealous, and if I don't fall for it, I get treated like ass.

I have emotionally supported him for a month while he did all sorts of shit that had nothing to do with earning an income, and I sat back and didn't complain when he forgot that I existed unless he wanted something. I am SO tired. I literally get nothing done after work or during the day, because I am emotionally and physically worn out. I don't enjoy anything that I did a month ago - music is hard, even playing video games is not that appealing. I don't know what to do with myself, and I am worried I am in a depressed phase. I just got back on my meds because I couldn't afford THOSE either, and they have not 100% kicked in yet.

I really have no idea what to do. I am not sure how long I can live like this. And the job is the best part...the rest is all downhill from there. It's the emotional shit that kills me.

Selfish fuck.

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