connielingus

"Living never wore one out so much as the effort not to live."

I need to stop planning and start acting. I've been in limbo for years, and it's finally beginning to dawn on me that I've been wasting my life away waiting for something that just isn't right for me.
Things haven't been right between my Greek man and I since he left to put his service time in. Everything before he left was effortless, we were madly in love, we were SO certain we'd found our lifemates. These last two years have been nothing but struggle & grief & trying to force feelings that just aren't there, anymore. At least on my end of things.

I was allowing myself to settle, to accept his hopes and dreams as my own, to take comfort in what was familiar to me. Continuing to do so would be deceiving the both of us. Too often doubt creeps in, too often I am unsure of whether or not he is what I truly want & need. What I need is to be ME, live my own life. I've known this for a very long time, but have allowed fear of being alone to squash this knowledge.

How do I do this? How do I tell him that after everything we've been through that I just can't? It will destroy him, and above all else I still want him in my life. This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done. I don't know where to begin, it kills me to hurt him.

Yes, there's someone else. No, he isn't why I've decided this. I just can't go on living a lie.

Despite this overwhelming chain of events, I'm doing quite well. Not so much happy as I am content and ready to close this chapter of my life and continue on hopeful and ready to take the bull by the horns. It's time for Lindsay to be her own woman.

So if you're wondering why I've been less of a presence round these parts, hopefully this explains things for you. Kinda stuck in my own head, atm. Lots of food for thought.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend. ♥