connielingus

I still love it, I still find more things to my advantage. But it's a BIG change from what I'm used to, and my brain's about to asplode from all of the information being forced into it. My training classes this week were exhausting but fun in their own way, and it's always nice not to be the only new kid. My training class was nine people total and we're all starting at the same time. Helps me with the whole "new girl syndrome", I can be painfully shy when I want to be. Overall impression, I'm gonna love it, I just have to ease into it and get used to my new (& improved) surroundings.
I've still got three more training shifts to go and a certification exam to cram for. My exam's on Friday, so again be patient with me. I might not be around too much til after then. I need to score at least 90% in order to pass, and they give you one shot to make it up if you don't. But I'm not gonna need that second chance, I'm acing this shit!!

Things are pretty damn fucked up between us. He stayed out til 3 in the morning Monday night, apparently seeking advice from a good buddy of mine. From what I was told, Greek boy was a disaster that night, crying his heart out. All my buddy kept saying to me was, "That guy really loves you".
See, Dimo knows it's over just as well as I do. But it's very hard to let go of our plans, our dreams, and he's kinda lost waiting for me to straighten my head out. Problem is, I need time for me. I can't leave him waiting in the wings for me if I'm not sure he's what I want.
And I'll tell ya this much, he has some re-occuring behaviors I most certainly DO NOT want. I'm starting to get tired of the, "I'm foreign, deal with it" line. He's so damn stubborn sometimes, so full of bravado for no good reason.

My heart breaks for what I'm putting him through. He knows my doubts, knows I'm pretty much over "us". What can I do? I feel I there's more out there for me than getting hitched and moving to Greece. I need my freedom, I kinda just want to be left alone.

It hurts having feelings so cold, so cut and dry. I'm such a hopeless romantic at heart, and I'm so not used to thinking or feeling this way. The thrill is gone, it's just not there. I love him so very much, though, and there's no way for me to avoid hurting him. I've shared nearly a decade of my life with this man, where do I go from here? What's gonna happen to him?

This is gonna be the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I'm still doing good on the ciggies, although I have to admit I've snuck a few this week. The stress levels finally became too much for me. But I'm still doing great as far as I'm concerned, a total of five cigarettes in almost three weeks. I can handle that. Did I tarnish my little record I had going, yeah, but sometimes you just have to say fuck it.

I also thought I'd be ok if I stopped my meds. Not such a good idea. Yesterday was my first official day without them and I caught myself wanting to freak out at a few points. It was my very first day training IN the restaurant, so should I have skipped refilling my Zoloft? Uh.....negative.
Today was worse. I woke up feeling so-so, but as soon as random conversation started between the Greek and I it all went downhill. He made me mad for a stupid reason and I started to scream at him. Then I started to cry, outta nowhere, just buckets of uncontrollable tears. This lasted all morning and afternoon. Finally, he slipped me a Valium and told me to take it. Where he aquired it, I'll never know. Someone at work prolly gave it to him cause I'm an asshole and he's always depressed about me.
So, yeah, I'm refilling my meds tomorrow and weening myself off of them the right way. Stopping them when I'm training for a new job AND quitting smoking was a bad idea. Baby steps, Linds, baby steps.