commando

Oh Jacky D & C..I love ya! So I was sipping away on a devastatingly sinful, yet well deserved Jack and Coke in my bedroom..I was satisfied with what progress I'd made through Chapter 8 of 'ASVAB for Dummies,' when my phone goes off with a new text..It was from an unfamiliar number and it appeared to be a future shop customer..I wasn't expecting the Royal Reject of Debonaire himself to text me all the way from United Kingdom of Tardsville..I was truly taken aback by the shear outdatedness of his pickup lines..It's written exactly as he wrote me and I added some of my humorous over analyzation skillz in parentheses..They started rollin in at 8:38pm like this:

RR: So my friend says I should talk to you bout getting my next tatoo.
(Gawd I can't stand it when people misspell 'tattoo')

COMMANDO: You should talk to Maverick at Maverick's Tattoos. I'm his apprentice & I'm not tattooing just yet. Do you want the shop number? We're open at noon tomorrow.

RR: I've meet him and got the number but I think I'd b more intersted in u. Plus noon on a thus is a bad time"
(Oh, you're 'intersted' in me? ok right at this very moment I'm damning whatever so-called 'friend' gave this genius douchegasm my number..In fact, I wanted nothing more than to punch them both square in the kidneys for interrupting my study time!)

COMMANDO: Who is this and who gave you my number?

RR: Well I was talking to someone who I promised I wouldn't tell who. But I was describing a hot chick... Tats Who was skinny knew how to have fun and he said he knew the perfect woman. And told me to talk to u. R u all that? (Yeah Creepy Mcweirderson, I'm all that AND a bag of doritos! I considered this to be an opportune Bubba Gump kinda real estate of re-re to fuck with)

COMMANDO: Somebody lied to you. In reality, I'm a sociopathic fatty who collects Star Wars figurines & plays World of Warcraft in my mom's basement.

RR: Hott. Liar
(What? Did he just out-tard me here?)

COMMANDO: No really. Do you wanna see my backne? It's what happens when you don't wash after a few days..

RR: Backne? WTF

COMMANDO: 'Backne' = back acne..& there's pus involved. Do you like pus? I find it rather fascinating. I wanna collect enough of it & put it under a microscope & watch the bacteria grow.

RR: That may be the worst thing I've ever heard. Yet I don't believe ya but also no where near taking that chance!

At this moment, my roomie/hetero sexual life partner Kira runs into my bedroom practically hyperventilating because she's laughing/ crying at the same time and sits on my feet on the bed..In between sobs and laughter, she tells me "I just..hahha I just farted on Matt."
To which my response was, "Everybody farts Kira..especially your dog..Is this how you reacted to your mom telling you about having a period??"
I'm hugging her at this point because she's completely embarrassed by a little fart that escaped while watching 'Hamlet 2' with her 23yr old man-toy, Matt.
"Welcome to the adult world of gas Kira," I said as she left the room cackling like a homicidal school girl..

I missed a message from Bubba Gump during the malay that read
RR: I know ur not like that so... U've had to encouter that somewhere so I apologize

COMMANDO: Hey I'm not the weirdo who's just randomly texting people I don't know for a booty call..That's just sad..I mean even my World of Warcraft friends talk to me when I need them