white and red

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I feel like i am losing my grip on reality.

That's wrong.

I feel like i am losing reality. The clear lines are fuzzy, i feel like i am existing between two plains. Here and there, I am somewhere in the middle. Some of this of course is attributed to the weather, the seasons change. I always struggle through the change. This seems more pronounced. Perhaps because I haven't had a complete crash and burn out in two years. Or the fact that I have been pushing myself to be non-stop for 16-18hrs a day. The only time i sit is in the car, the only time i sleep is less and less. Though i am more tired, the insomniac that resides in me is rising up. The apathy though is smothering it. I am always tired. My nerves are so red and raw that the smallest thing sends me overboard. Some days I sit on the floor of the kitchen a work, my back pressed into a corner and just struggle with not crying. I want to swear and scream in a silent room so i could let the monster tear through my throat without anyone having to hear the sound. I want to paint the walls with a hot furious red, torn from inside of me. I want to be the monster that i've struggled so hard to control. The monster who is pinned in restraints surrounded by white uniforms in a white room that lets out no sound and injections make me sleep as the restraints chew at my skin. This "together" self is not myself. Not right now. Right now myself is the countless litres of blood lost over the years, the countless litres of alcohol consumed, the life failures, the stories i weaved to keep me safe. This wellness cocoon i have spun around me is falling away but on the inside i never changed. There will never be a "butterfly." There's a song with a lyric that sings "there's beauty in the break down" but there's no beauty here. Tonight i will swallow my pride and swallow drugs to sleep along with the ones that are supposed to stitch my brain together and tomorrow I will wake up. I will pack my things, i will make sure i am dressed, i will find the "smile" on the rack that i hung it and i will put it on even though its a lie. I will work, i will volunteer, i will persevere another day and live with these red raw nerves just under the surface. Repeat everyday until maybe one day it's real again

i'm feeling less and less comfortable in this skin, i want to shed it all, i want to be as raw as my nerves all feel. i want to be red.

i want this to be over.

i want to find the edge of the earth and walk off of it.

VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
hitherfetcher:
It's really hard to do at the time, I know, but when I get those days, I have to remind myself that they are temporary - that they are due to stress, or the weather, or any number of things that could set it off. While in them it can feel like the rest of your life is a total write-off, but you DO bounce back. Try to remember you're not alone, and keep that "I'm a normal person" costume handy to get through your day (mine has seen a lot of use).
bootlegspm:
I understand. I wish I didn't, but I do. You are not alone, but I know that doesn't help. I wish it did. I wish there was an easy answer. I put one foot in front of the other and stubbornly keep inching forward. The only alternative is to give up, and I just refuse to surrender. I refuse to give up hope in the face of a history that tells me I should. Never surrender. That's my stubborn response. I must believe that somehow things will get better. I am my own worst enemy, but I keep moving anyway. There's always another problem around the corner, but I just keep moving with the assurance that I will not be defeated if I just keep moving forward. The end will be of my choosing, not someone elses. I will go on my terms. Never surrender. I have a lot to offer. Surely someone will recognize that eventually. Surely someday...I must believe it. I have to...

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