I have fallen into this terrible fucking rut.
I think that this is mostly caused by a recent break up, which was totally necessary and happened about a month ago but it's just starting to tear me up. Like really fucking tear me up even though so much of it was bad (why it was necessary to end it), but my heart only remembers the good things now because hearts are jerks.
So in the last two weeks my eating has turned to cheap empty calories, mainly a lot of bread. I don't usually eat bread because it fucks with my mood. So now I am pretty fluffy, in a terrible mood and unmotivated. The amount of weight I have managed to gain in two weeks is pretty significant, mostly because at 5'2" a pound shows. Top that with my fucking eating disorder that won't shut up. I have done a really good job in the last few years to treat myself well, not beat myself up over food or restrict in response. Now i am furious at the weight gain and simultaneously fighting with myself about how to properly respond to it (eat clean and exercise) vs. my eating disorder (starving and puking). One of the problems I have now too is I am so unmotivated. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep. The gym was keeping me active and busy but with the poor food choices I don't have the energy and with the weight gain I don't want to be seen in public. Even though I know going to the gym will instantly make me feel better I cant reconcile that with my heart and get doing it.
So I keep saying to myself you need to fight this, you need to fight this, you cannot afford to slip into a depression, you cannot lose your life over this.
And then i hit the snooze button and waste away
