just straight up man. I'm a mess.
rewind
Amnesia was the best weekend of my life to date. I don't know how it will be topped. Its been my life long dream to see SoaD and it happened. It exceeded what I thought was possible. Blew my mind, and probably every disc in my spine because I was head banging so hard. Love it. SoaD saved me from dance and pop music. Not that I do not listen to those genres on occasion but SoaD really changed the whole direction of my life. I had something I could relate to in a world that didn't make any sense to me. So much love.
The rest of that weekend was also amazing. So many good bands, so much fantastic music. Rob Zombie rocked harder than I have in my life. What a set! Wow.
And then I got home. Well fuck.
I started work the Monday I got home. One of the kids puked for 3 days solid, the little one was cutting 4 teeth and cranky as fuck. By the fourth day I had worked 45 hours on way too little sleep, with a sore neck. And I was an emotional mess. And after the 45hrs, i went directly to dragon boat practice and then to a local punk show and then the next day snowballed with so much extra because I stepped in to a vacated roll at the shelter i volunteer at. Saturday, at the shelter again, then to a Canada Party thing in the rain I ended up leaving so I could sleep.
Here we are Monday again, a little better rested, another insane week (12hrs today) and I am an emotional mess because of relationship stuff. Basically I havent seen Greg with the exception of two hours since Amnesia and as whiny as it sounds I would like him to fucking reach out to me and send me a text message at least once a day to say he misses me, or loves me or fucking something. But nothing, and each day i feel more and more alone and wonder why I put any effort in. I feel like he doesn't care I exist, or like I am supposed to wait around for him. I don't feel like he loves me, I become so anxious about the whole thing that i want to throw up and cry. I'm dealing with 4 kids that cant stay out of trouble for 5 minutes for 11-12hrs a day, covered in snot and other kid juices and I have to reach out to him or I would hear nothing. Very very very one sided. And hes unemployed. So hes not doing fucking ANYTHING.
I'm exhausted.
I feel like the whole fucking thing is over.
And all I want is for him to come over and hold me together.
He's the remedy to the poison he is.