I've always loved Suicide Girls, you all understand that. They are gorgeous.
I also think they are very brave, but perhaps they just have way better self body image than I have ever remotely understood.
For as long as I can remember my body has been a battlefield.
From the days when I was young and bullied because... well, I still have no fucking idea why... because kids are mean, to when I discovered self destruction was something I was fantastic at.
Remember those fucking infomercials in the 90's when there was this little belt that would zap you if you let your belly puff out? It was some sadistic weight control thing. At 10yrs old I couldn't afford one so I used to clinch a normal belt down real tight and hide it under my sweater at school. This was the start of it. All this to lose weight that never existed on me.
Getting older I discovered restricting food made so much more sense and battled it out with myself, thin over hunger... again, I was never even big enough for this to be a concern of mine.
Then we reach high school, I swim at a competitive level and live off of crackers. I also begin self injuring.
From there it snowballed. I restricted what I ate, i threw up what i ate if i had "given in." Self injury rooted itself deeply in my coping skills and it scarred almost every single surface of my body. There was a lot of self loathing. I was ashamed of my body, for its "taking up too much space" for the scars i inflicted. I was sent to different treatment facilities from 13-26 (i'm almost 29). Instead of loving myself, I loathed myself.
To a degree I still do. But I also have some pride now.
I haven't self injured in a year and a half, which is pretty fucking awesome seeing as I've been doing it for more than half my life.
Every morning I wake up I am still pretty tough on myself weight wise and it takes a lot to make myself eat, but i eat. If I want a bottle of coke or an ice cream or whatever, fuck em, I'm having it.
This year, as a sort of "resolution" I decided to put myself out there with this SG account. To stop being ashamed. To stop hiding. To practice not only self love but pride in myself.
And to take people with me on my journey. To affirm that i am not some ugly sloth the size of a blimp and covered in scars no one will ever see past.
So thank you, sincerely.
