*sigh*
What a fucking week.
so intense,
went to a webgrrls/women in communications event and kicked ass!
For once I was not too shy and mentholgrrl came out of her shell too, it was so satisfying.
I brought like 50 magazines and they were all gone, people came coming up to me to ask about Oz and the film guides we do. So psyched. I am going to design a rad cover fo rthe Women in Film guide.
Then mentholgrrl tells me my boy touched her and I totally freak out. I can't go into details because I will freak out again. But it ended well. I am too crazy. A control freak. I have no time and I know it and I need to make time for him. It's not fair, and he said he would try to be a better boy too. We have been together so long, and I know it is not for nothing.
We went to dinner after chilling and talking and crying for a long time. We climbed over a barbwire fence so we owuldn't have to walk as far. It was scary and exciting.
Work was so restless today. I made reservations at a cabin in the mountains for next weekend. There is a five person hot tub and we can bring our two fat huge dogs and fish for catfish and read books and hold hands and finally have osme time to ourselves. We need it. It has been over 3 years since we have had a vacation just the two of us. i can't wait. We usually camp, but we didn't want to have to worry about naything so we found this place that is cheap and secluded. Maybe we will go horseback riding...I love to hike especially with the dogs. and it is so fucking quiet up in the mountains. I love it. I can't wait.
Mentholgrrl feels bad about the boy thing. Iknow it and I can't change it. I can't change her feelings for me either. She knows it. But like the boy and I, we will still make it though all this, and there has been alot. I just don't know what to do. I hope she gets one of these jobs she interviewed for. I would be so fucking happy and proud of her. i don't know what to do. It is still too overwhelming. I still want to run run run away. And I will...next weekend. If I can make it till then.
It sounds corny, but I think we might go to couples therapy. Maybe we can learn to open up a little. We both love each other, but we both have the personality that doesn't want to show our feelings. We are like two walls talking to each other if it is about being afraid or hateful, or stressed or depressed. Mentholgrrl knows what I mean, I do it to her...I never talk about how I feel inside. It is a huge problem. has caused huge problems in the past and now. i hate feeling crazy. The build up inside with no release. no release because I won't let there be one. Then I flip out. Do something crazy. Thank god I don't do the drugs like I used to. Those were some ugly ugly days.
i hate this. i hate feeling all these feelings. i hate talking about them. it makes me feel dirty. imperfect. gross. ugly. ugly. naked. i hate it.
somehow I have to fix it...I don't want to feel like this anymore
What a fucking week.
so intense,
went to a webgrrls/women in communications event and kicked ass!
For once I was not too shy and mentholgrrl came out of her shell too, it was so satisfying.
I brought like 50 magazines and they were all gone, people came coming up to me to ask about Oz and the film guides we do. So psyched. I am going to design a rad cover fo rthe Women in Film guide.
Then mentholgrrl tells me my boy touched her and I totally freak out. I can't go into details because I will freak out again. But it ended well. I am too crazy. A control freak. I have no time and I know it and I need to make time for him. It's not fair, and he said he would try to be a better boy too. We have been together so long, and I know it is not for nothing.
We went to dinner after chilling and talking and crying for a long time. We climbed over a barbwire fence so we owuldn't have to walk as far. It was scary and exciting.
Work was so restless today. I made reservations at a cabin in the mountains for next weekend. There is a five person hot tub and we can bring our two fat huge dogs and fish for catfish and read books and hold hands and finally have osme time to ourselves. We need it. It has been over 3 years since we have had a vacation just the two of us. i can't wait. We usually camp, but we didn't want to have to worry about naything so we found this place that is cheap and secluded. Maybe we will go horseback riding...I love to hike especially with the dogs. and it is so fucking quiet up in the mountains. I love it. I can't wait.
Mentholgrrl feels bad about the boy thing. Iknow it and I can't change it. I can't change her feelings for me either. She knows it. But like the boy and I, we will still make it though all this, and there has been alot. I just don't know what to do. I hope she gets one of these jobs she interviewed for. I would be so fucking happy and proud of her. i don't know what to do. It is still too overwhelming. I still want to run run run away. And I will...next weekend. If I can make it till then.
It sounds corny, but I think we might go to couples therapy. Maybe we can learn to open up a little. We both love each other, but we both have the personality that doesn't want to show our feelings. We are like two walls talking to each other if it is about being afraid or hateful, or stressed or depressed. Mentholgrrl knows what I mean, I do it to her...I never talk about how I feel inside. It is a huge problem. has caused huge problems in the past and now. i hate feeling crazy. The build up inside with no release. no release because I won't let there be one. Then I flip out. Do something crazy. Thank god I don't do the drugs like I used to. Those were some ugly ugly days.
i hate this. i hate feeling all these feelings. i hate talking about them. it makes me feel dirty. imperfect. gross. ugly. ugly. naked. i hate it.
somehow I have to fix it...I don't want to feel like this anymore
ghostina:
look...i'm really sorry about our phone conversation just now. i've been fucking stressed and worried and sad about you for the past two days. i wanted a chance to talk to you, so i was really fucking dissapointed when you wouldn't go have a drink with me. i shouldn't have acted like that...i'm sorry. i know you are feeling weird right now, you definately have a right to your feelings, and i'm sorry if i seemed insenstive. you know i'd do anything for you. *sigh* i want to cry. i just wanted you to make time for me and talk to me. i'll see you tomorrow...and i do appreciate the job offer at oz thing..i just don't want to do it. but i will...
digdug:
Hey, there's nothing wrong with going to couples therapy! It's a really good idea, especially since you guys seem to be so tight lipped (emotionally speaking). My ex-GF never wanted to say what was wrong. She always said "I don't wanna talk about it". Drove me crazee. I never knew what was bothering her - if it was something I did, if her parents were pissig her off - I never knew. We'd probably still be together had we gone to therapy together.