cogito_sum

i'm so sick of my existence right now
last nite, i went to bed depressed about how i can't affectionally share my emotions towards the person i'm fond of, not even remotely to where she knows i have interests for her
that i had a dream, not a MLK dream, a wild dream about a party that i am suppose to go to a couple weeks from now (call it a premonition of de javu...i don't know if that word even makes any sense) which i seem to totally ignore the girl i like, even in reality i seem to have purposely ignore her recently...
back to the dream, but yeah i seem to had ended the dream with a massive chest slide on the asphalt towards a red coca cola can that was stationed next to a blue supervan
but i wake up, and still have that same feeling of depression in me. it wasn't evident at first but slowly came flooding over me where emotionally i was on the brink of a breakdown, but cease to happen

i'm trying to search other avenues for future carreer oppertunities, as well as re-applying myself into community college once again after an absence of almost two years in a frail attempt to get anywhere above my position from my current fucking job

but i don't think i'll get anywhere cause
after 5 years of working at the same shit hole, i have not gone anywhere, gained almost nothing, and still microly exist
did not graduate highschool, even though i had a well above average limit of credits
have a ged
that i feel i am not deemed desirable in society and thus forced to linger in my miserable existence

all i wish for ...
is the knowledge to know that tomorrow and the days forth would be steps closer to my future goal of happyness
to be able to express my feelings, and not to hide them(which is difficult)
and to maybe have central heat cause my fingertips feel nearly frozen in this poorly insulated room of mine