Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during sex.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
By Presidential decree, everytime Chuck Norris touches up his beard the trimmings are gathered and buried at Arlington Cemetary with full honors.
Bowling is actually a sport derived from when Chuck accidentally roundhouse kicked himself in the testicles and one broke free. In a fit of rage he threw it at a nearby forest creating our modern logging industry as well.
When Chuck Norris goes to the bathroom he craps out perfect dodecahedrons to prove his precision and accuracy in the art of shit taking.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris laughs at retarded people because no one can stop him... he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once held an anti-government protest in Washington. At the news, the government was so terrified that it disbanded immediately and declared Chuck the new President. Though pleased, Chuck's only intent had been to lure in dirty hippies to kick their asses.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris paints his walls by throwing children at them.
In forty years time, people will no longer die, not because of advanced medical science, but rather because when death came for Chuck Norris, Chuch Norris came looking for death...
When you pray to god, Chuck Norris listens, Then round house kicks you to the head for believeing in god and not Chuck Norris.
If you ever meet Chuck Norris, he may flaunt the fact that he is "fluent in over 6 million forms of communication". Be wary though, as most of these are either a punch to the face, or a kick to the groin.
Chuck Norris once was approached by a man who said, "Hello, I'm John Joeseph Jonny Jr." Realizing that this was an awesomely toungue tying name, he proceeded to give Mr. Jonny a roundhouse kick to the face and stated, "Shut up. I'm Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris can only use condoms made out of titanium. Otherwise his sperm will roundhouse kick their way out of the latex.
There is a picture of Chuck Norris next to 'Justice' in the dictionary. If your dictionary doesn't have this, Chuck Norris will kill you.
Chuck Norris' preferred birth control method is a roundhouse kick to the womb.
They say MacGyver can make anything out of paperclips and string using only his hands. Well, Chuck Norris can make anything out of MacGyver using only his fists.
Chuck Norris was originally chosen for the movie Armageddon, but in the end the producers went with Bruce Willis. Because in real life Chuck would have given the killer asteroid a roundhouse kick at the moment it posed any danger. Thus turning the 2.5 hour epic into a 10 minute after school special.
Chuck Norris can drop kick a small child 200 yards.
Viagra is in fact Chuck Norris' solidified semen.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during sex.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
By Presidential decree, everytime Chuck Norris touches up his beard the trimmings are gathered and buried at Arlington Cemetary with full honors.
Bowling is actually a sport derived from when Chuck accidentally roundhouse kicked himself in the testicles and one broke free. In a fit of rage he threw it at a nearby forest creating our modern logging industry as well.
When Chuck Norris goes to the bathroom he craps out perfect dodecahedrons to prove his precision and accuracy in the art of shit taking.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris laughs at retarded people because no one can stop him... he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once held an anti-government protest in Washington. At the news, the government was so terrified that it disbanded immediately and declared Chuck the new President. Though pleased, Chuck's only intent had been to lure in dirty hippies to kick their asses.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris paints his walls by throwing children at them.
In forty years time, people will no longer die, not because of advanced medical science, but rather because when death came for Chuck Norris, Chuch Norris came looking for death...
When you pray to god, Chuck Norris listens, Then round house kicks you to the head for believeing in god and not Chuck Norris.
If you ever meet Chuck Norris, he may flaunt the fact that he is "fluent in over 6 million forms of communication". Be wary though, as most of these are either a punch to the face, or a kick to the groin.
Chuck Norris once was approached by a man who said, "Hello, I'm John Joeseph Jonny Jr." Realizing that this was an awesomely toungue tying name, he proceeded to give Mr. Jonny a roundhouse kick to the face and stated, "Shut up. I'm Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris can only use condoms made out of titanium. Otherwise his sperm will roundhouse kick their way out of the latex.
There is a picture of Chuck Norris next to 'Justice' in the dictionary. If your dictionary doesn't have this, Chuck Norris will kill you.
Chuck Norris' preferred birth control method is a roundhouse kick to the womb.
They say MacGyver can make anything out of paperclips and string using only his hands. Well, Chuck Norris can make anything out of MacGyver using only his fists.
Chuck Norris was originally chosen for the movie Armageddon, but in the end the producers went with Bruce Willis. Because in real life Chuck would have given the killer asteroid a roundhouse kick at the moment it posed any danger. Thus turning the 2.5 hour epic into a 10 minute after school special.
Chuck Norris can drop kick a small child 200 yards.
Viagra is in fact Chuck Norris' solidified semen.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
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ichipulti:
glad to see you back! muah!