happy endings [20 May 2004|03:54am]
I really fucking miss working at Hot topic for the shear fact that I miss Lizz! I miss her saying funny things and making cool noises! I want to hang out with her so bad. I need to get another cover job, so people stop wondering where I am getting my scrill. My fucking Choreographer wants me to meet him in his studio tomorrow at 11am to work on dances. That sucks so bad. Number one, I can't drive out past the airport by myself, because I will get lost. And number 2, It's like 6 am now and I haven't been to bed yet. I swear I wish I could just not sleep for a couple of days. Me and the kids went to the playground at Sharon tonight and got all wet from the heavy dew. Kathryn told me sad things about her and her ex-girl. I hate drama withinrelationship, but I guess witout it I would just get bored. I played Sims again tonight for the first time in months, since before I went to Seattle on Spring break. I miss Karen in Seattle I have thinking alot of her lately. I think I will prolly email her after this or tomorrow sometimes. She is such a good person, she so does not deserve the situation she is in. It makes me cry when I think about it. I swear if I ever go to Seattle again and I see that mutherfucker that touches her the way he does I will rip his cock off and burn it. And even after saying that I don't feel that I have expressed my anger for him. I have to work tomorrow at the Slut Hell. It shouldn't be to bad though. I haven't been to work since last tuesday, over a week ago. I have been hating work lately. I hate the men. I hate the way they have been looking at me. I hate Kris for asking me to basically pose nude for him, so he can beat off to it later. I have developed an intense hatred for men. I hate the way they talk to wemon. I hate the way they inspect me. I hate everything. I makes me wanna stab them in there eye's with my stilleto heels and then piss on thier bleeding sockets exploding from their pitiful faces. I hate them. It's not even men. It's men who go to Strip clubs. What do they really want from going there? Do they really think I will go home with them for one hundred bucks and fuck them? That is such an insult when dumb fucking men ask me to do thingslike that. I was looking at how small brittney was these last couple of days. It made me wanna be small again. What does small get me? I loved it when people would comment on how small I was and ask me if I had an eating disorder. Where does that leave me? Small. It's so easy to be big and seen, but when your small you are stronger. I say that because you have so many things you way. You blend in kindof. You have no problem finding jeans to fit your huge ass. You feel good and light. And you feel like your above everyone because you beat the midwest odds. You are actually small. Fuck the way I look now. I'd rather be small. I better try to go out and get my art stuff from school tomorrow. I have no Idea if I am gonna try to meet Tyner or not tomorrow. How would I find my way there?
That's crazy!!!!! Maybe I will call him at 10 or so and see if he will call Tori and ask her to meet me somewhere so I can follow her out there. But that would kindof be embarrassing. FUCK! I have been feeling the tenseness again. The biuldup that holds me down sround 5 am in the morning. It hurts to move. It almost feels emotional. I wanna hurry and move out. I can't stand it here much longer. Not that this apt living with patsy is bad. I just want the chance to not be battered with words about my job and the way I might be dressed or how my hair isn't combed. I feel trapted. I wanna feel free. That sounds so fucking goddamned cheesy. I hate my mom. She is doing her old shit again where she makes me feel bad about things in the past that I cannot change. I hate that!!!! Like, fucking jesus! Do you think If this bitching your doing was really gonna help that maybe through your dumb mega bitch yells I could plumage through your voice and go back in time and change things? Would all that even be worth my time? Fuck you mom. Thanks for making my day once again! Your hella-great! I can see why brittney doesn't strip. The only reason I really want her to do it, is so I can have a crutch. So we could work on the same days and when we didn't want to sit with men, we didn't have to . We could just play dress up in the back room. This stupid robot muther fucker just imed me and want's "get to know me." I must seriously seem like a dumb prostitute to men like this. I HATE THE WAY THE SYSTEM IS SET UP! Why are men expected to behave this way> Who fucking set these standards! Jesus just these fucking idiot men make me wanna cry. There sexual glances make me wanna loose it. He sent me his "LJ". The dumb fuck. See! I don't even know this guy and already I hate him. All because I previous expeirences with other dumb men. he's prolly not even a bad guy. I am a terrible terrible person!!!!!!!!!!
Smash my brain.
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I really fucking miss working at Hot topic for the shear fact that I miss Lizz! I miss her saying funny things and making cool noises! I want to hang out with her so bad. I need to get another cover job, so people stop wondering where I am getting my scrill. My fucking Choreographer wants me to meet him in his studio tomorrow at 11am to work on dances. That sucks so bad. Number one, I can't drive out past the airport by myself, because I will get lost. And number 2, It's like 6 am now and I haven't been to bed yet. I swear I wish I could just not sleep for a couple of days. Me and the kids went to the playground at Sharon tonight and got all wet from the heavy dew. Kathryn told me sad things about her and her ex-girl. I hate drama withinrelationship, but I guess witout it I would just get bored. I played Sims again tonight for the first time in months, since before I went to Seattle on Spring break. I miss Karen in Seattle I have thinking alot of her lately. I think I will prolly email her after this or tomorrow sometimes. She is such a good person, she so does not deserve the situation she is in. It makes me cry when I think about it. I swear if I ever go to Seattle again and I see that mutherfucker that touches her the way he does I will rip his cock off and burn it. And even after saying that I don't feel that I have expressed my anger for him. I have to work tomorrow at the Slut Hell. It shouldn't be to bad though. I haven't been to work since last tuesday, over a week ago. I have been hating work lately. I hate the men. I hate the way they have been looking at me. I hate Kris for asking me to basically pose nude for him, so he can beat off to it later. I have developed an intense hatred for men. I hate the way they talk to wemon. I hate the way they inspect me. I hate everything. I makes me wanna stab them in there eye's with my stilleto heels and then piss on thier bleeding sockets exploding from their pitiful faces. I hate them. It's not even men. It's men who go to Strip clubs. What do they really want from going there? Do they really think I will go home with them for one hundred bucks and fuck them? That is such an insult when dumb fucking men ask me to do thingslike that. I was looking at how small brittney was these last couple of days. It made me wanna be small again. What does small get me? I loved it when people would comment on how small I was and ask me if I had an eating disorder. Where does that leave me? Small. It's so easy to be big and seen, but when your small you are stronger. I say that because you have so many things you way. You blend in kindof. You have no problem finding jeans to fit your huge ass. You feel good and light. And you feel like your above everyone because you beat the midwest odds. You are actually small. Fuck the way I look now. I'd rather be small. I better try to go out and get my art stuff from school tomorrow. I have no Idea if I am gonna try to meet Tyner or not tomorrow. How would I find my way there?
That's crazy!!!!! Maybe I will call him at 10 or so and see if he will call Tori and ask her to meet me somewhere so I can follow her out there. But that would kindof be embarrassing. FUCK! I have been feeling the tenseness again. The biuldup that holds me down sround 5 am in the morning. It hurts to move. It almost feels emotional. I wanna hurry and move out. I can't stand it here much longer. Not that this apt living with patsy is bad. I just want the chance to not be battered with words about my job and the way I might be dressed or how my hair isn't combed. I feel trapted. I wanna feel free. That sounds so fucking goddamned cheesy. I hate my mom. She is doing her old shit again where she makes me feel bad about things in the past that I cannot change. I hate that!!!! Like, fucking jesus! Do you think If this bitching your doing was really gonna help that maybe through your dumb mega bitch yells I could plumage through your voice and go back in time and change things? Would all that even be worth my time? Fuck you mom. Thanks for making my day once again! Your hella-great! I can see why brittney doesn't strip. The only reason I really want her to do it, is so I can have a crutch. So we could work on the same days and when we didn't want to sit with men, we didn't have to . We could just play dress up in the back room. This stupid robot muther fucker just imed me and want's "get to know me." I must seriously seem like a dumb prostitute to men like this. I HATE THE WAY THE SYSTEM IS SET UP! Why are men expected to behave this way> Who fucking set these standards! Jesus just these fucking idiot men make me wanna cry. There sexual glances make me wanna loose it. He sent me his "LJ". The dumb fuck. See! I don't even know this guy and already I hate him. All because I previous expeirences with other dumb men. he's prolly not even a bad guy. I am a terrible terrible person!!!!!!!!!!
Smash my brain.
post comment
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
I go to look at sexy women. I hope that the women I meet at strip clubs enjoy that I think they are sexy. Just the typical ego boost that performers get from fans after a job well done. In your case, you seem to have a poor self image of your body. I would hope that knowing you are attractive (i.e., lusted after at the club) is reassuring. Is it that you are not attracted to the guys at the club? Or is it that you think they are judging you against the other girls.
As for paying a stripper for sex, escorts are easy enough to find, looking for them in a strip club is nuts. I think what I hope for in a stripper is someone who is confident in their sexuality and enjoys sex. That is, someone who loves the job, not just the money.