Subject: Sometimes God, you just don't come through...
Time: 12:32 am.
Mood: Shit.
Music: The Cramps.
It's great how the universe is aways doing it's best to shit on me. I really excited to announce Brittney is once again attached to someone she doesn't need. Attached- I hate the word. I feel sick to my stomach. i have been on the verge of vomiting for the last 3 hrs. I ca't imagine why. I ate out at a vegan place so I didn't secretly eat something I shouldn't have so what is my stomach doing? The bus road right past me today. I was standing at the stop and the bus just ignored me. Or maybe I am invisible. Just maybe. I am meeting Monilade tomorrow for coffee and deep talks on life. I hope we have a good time. I saw Karen today just as she was leaving school to go home. She was smoking. I was surprised, I thought she respected her body more than that. Dancers are weird like that. They need their body to make their art but they still grind it to shit and at the age of 30 wonder why they are out of work. I am like that too, in some ways. Me with the diet pills and laxatives. My body doesn't know how to function sometimes. I guess like it's doing now. I re-applied for SG. If I don't make it this time I will go ahead with BA (BurningAngel). I re-applied because I want a final "no" before I commit to BA. They (SG) isn't allowing their girls to do both anymore. That's sucks. How do I function with such disappointment? I am disgusting. I over eat. I lie. I walk all over one person just to get another, who turns out to be shit. Is life worth it? I mean with of all my standards, how can this person effect me so? I mean I have never allowed myself to love such a person like this ever before. But then again, it's been a long, long time since this feeling first flamed inside of me. And the flame still burns today. Yes, It's definitely dimmer. After everything I've been through and all. But it's still lit. But I plan to extinguish this flame. This sounds so cheesy but I don't feel like I can speak frankly, there are to many spies who aim to tell this truth. We play tag with love all the time and I haven't been "it" for awhile. And now that I am I can't seem to find what I've been looking for. I've waited almost 4 yrs for today and now I know all I wanted was an illusion of nothing. Lie to me. At least lead me on. You're pretty good at that. Make me believe there is a reason to stay, otherwise you'll miss me when I'm gone.
Time: 12:32 am.
Mood: Shit.
Music: The Cramps.
It's great how the universe is aways doing it's best to shit on me. I really excited to announce Brittney is once again attached to someone she doesn't need. Attached- I hate the word. I feel sick to my stomach. i have been on the verge of vomiting for the last 3 hrs. I ca't imagine why. I ate out at a vegan place so I didn't secretly eat something I shouldn't have so what is my stomach doing? The bus road right past me today. I was standing at the stop and the bus just ignored me. Or maybe I am invisible. Just maybe. I am meeting Monilade tomorrow for coffee and deep talks on life. I hope we have a good time. I saw Karen today just as she was leaving school to go home. She was smoking. I was surprised, I thought she respected her body more than that. Dancers are weird like that. They need their body to make their art but they still grind it to shit and at the age of 30 wonder why they are out of work. I am like that too, in some ways. Me with the diet pills and laxatives. My body doesn't know how to function sometimes. I guess like it's doing now. I re-applied for SG. If I don't make it this time I will go ahead with BA (BurningAngel). I re-applied because I want a final "no" before I commit to BA. They (SG) isn't allowing their girls to do both anymore. That's sucks. How do I function with such disappointment? I am disgusting. I over eat. I lie. I walk all over one person just to get another, who turns out to be shit. Is life worth it? I mean with of all my standards, how can this person effect me so? I mean I have never allowed myself to love such a person like this ever before. But then again, it's been a long, long time since this feeling first flamed inside of me. And the flame still burns today. Yes, It's definitely dimmer. After everything I've been through and all. But it's still lit. But I plan to extinguish this flame. This sounds so cheesy but I don't feel like I can speak frankly, there are to many spies who aim to tell this truth. We play tag with love all the time and I haven't been "it" for awhile. And now that I am I can't seem to find what I've been looking for. I've waited almost 4 yrs for today and now I know all I wanted was an illusion of nothing. Lie to me. At least lead me on. You're pretty good at that. Make me believe there is a reason to stay, otherwise you'll miss me when I'm gone.
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Thank you, by the way.
xoxo,
me