closedquestion

It's always a bad sign when your best friend who's female, and single, tells you she's going on a date this weekend, and your heart drops out of your chest. I've know this day would come for a long time, but I never prepared myself. I should have simply moved on 8 or so years ago when I asked her out and she declined. We did however become best friends, and spend lot's of time together. Our friendship weathered her last boyfriend, whom she did not tell me she was dating for over 6 months, and I never mentioned that I knew. She did know that I did not like him when we both had met him before they started dating. We just never talked about him. I found out because at the time, I was temporarily living in Seattle for work. She could not afford long distance or a cell phone to call me, so I added her to my plan. When I got the bill she was calling a number in Olympia twice as much as my number. When I checked my address book the number came back as his. I finally asked her straight out if she was dating him and she broke-down crying. She told me she did not tell me about him because she knew how I felt about her, and she feared losing me as a friend. We continued our friendship, though it was different. She was dating this guy off and on for 3 years. We would hang out quite a bit when they were off and not so much when they were on. There has never been anything romantic between us, just friendship. I have always been ok with that for the most part. I feel how I feel, and she feels how she feels. She has not been dating anyone for over a year, and we have spent quite a bit of time together. That was up until a month or so ago, when a distance began to set in. Flash to yesterday when she tells me she has a date. It was in the middle of our conversation, she brought it up, then quickly passed it off as nothing much, she hardly knew the guy. Then today I run into a mutual friend, and he asks me how I feel about the guy she has been dating? I just said I was ok with it, not sure what to really say. It appears she is dating someone and is not telling me about it again. WTF? I have always told her I was fine with her dating some one. I have said that while I would be slightly jealous, it did not matter because it's my problem to deal with. I have always made it known that she can tell me anything, and for the most part I think she does. We are hanging out tonight and I may bring up the fact she has been seeing someone. I just want to know why she is hiding it from me. I think she may feel that I will view her as using me. She does not drive, and rides the bus to and from work, every where else I generally take her. We work in the same area so, when it works out that our schedules are similar I will give her rides to and from work. We do however live in opposite directions from work, so it is out of my way to give her rides places. I've always said I don't mind. I do now realize that most of the things I do for her, do go beyond a normal non romantic female/male friendship. I have been doing these things to appease that little part of me that has held out hope of her feelings changing. It's been 8 years I don't see that as likely at all. I don't want our friendship to end, but I can't distance my feelings for her, so hanging out anymore is just not an option, at least not until I hopefully meet someone myself. Is it a reasonable request to put our friendship on hold until I meet someone? It does not sound like a viable possibility to me. Nor fair in a friendship, where it's my feelings causing this hardship. I think I am just scared to get out there and meet someone. I dated a couple of girls last year, but neither were really a match. So, I turned to hanging out with my friend more, as she was not seeing anyone either. I always thought I would be married by the time I was thirty, not still so utterly confused and lonely. It's all very lame!!!!

Ok, so much for long rant, I'm bored with it. It does feel better to type all that out though. At least I have over a $1000 coming back in tax refunds, I'll finally be caught up on bills, and may even venture out a bit more in search of my elusive match. Rock on if you made it this far! Wanna make out?