clintron

I just punched a hole in the wall. It's mostly because of my relative inability to control my actions due to this feeling I've just recently discovered- hatred. I don't think I like it very much. I had thought that I'd known it before but it was nothing compared to this. I think of the thing that my hatred is directed toward and I can't stop. It builds up in there and I get more angry... my heart starts to pound faster and faster... sometimes I get a bit of a rush in my head and I can see my hands becoming more and more pale as the blood rushes out of them. Then the rage comes and I feel I must scream and hit and smash. Sometimes I can suppress these urges. Sometimes I can not.
I have these visualizations of bad things. These scenarios play over and over in my head. Every day the same. Occasionally there are new ones which then become part of the regular rotation. These visualizations usually involve me doing something bad so that somebody will see it and know how awful I feel. It is anything from smashing the full- length mirror in the living room with my fist and slashing myself with the pieces, to throwing chairs and things across the room, hanging myself out the window that faces the street, driving my car really fast and hitting a tree head-on, ODing on pills, shooting myself... none of them are good. It's pretty fucked up- sometimes I almost feel as if I am watching myself live my life from a third- person perspective. I feel like I will begin enacting the things I see in these thoughts if I do not do something soon.
Got to do something or I'm going to flip out and it will be bad. As much as I've been trying I simply can't keep myself under control any more.