classy_

clear head.

love.

fear.

holding back.

too little too late.

second chance.

damaged goods.

misunderstood.

patience.

forgiveness.

faith.

trust.

friendship.

willing.

i hope i can do what i need to do.
i feel stronger.
no one makes me feel the way you do.
thank you.
i love you robin.
you saved me tonight.

tonight was the second night like this.
where did it come from.
was it just setting in that he wants nothing to do with me?
the worst is late at night, when i want to call him and say "goodnight" sweet dreams"... and i feel like im waiting for his call.
and when it hits me.
like a truck.
that i dont have him.
and then i realize hes always had me.

i can front until im blue in the face.
i can try to keep myself busy.
but when i stop.
or when i wear that sweater.
or see those pictures of those last few moments.
when i see your face.
and remember your words.
and your lips.
and your eyes.
i remember every detail of you...
and when i slow down long enough to remember.
i cant hold myself together.

i gave myself to you.
i know you couldnt see it, or feel it.
but i was yours.

i remember everything.
everything.
from the first time i called you.
to our first kiss.
everything.
even that day.
every detail.
the last time i saw you.
if i knew that was the last time i never would have let you leave.
i wouldnt have cared how awful i looked.
i would have grabbed you.
i would have kissed every inch of your face.
i would have let you hold me.
i would have done so many things...

i remember watching you sleep.
and thinking "i could be safe here".
i remember how much you cared.
how hard you tried.
i remember how hard i pushed you away.
like i was so strong.
like you meant nothing.
like you didnt mean sooo much to me.

i should have let you leave as many messages as you wanted.
i should never have done so many things.
and there are so many things i should have done.

its hard to believe im too little, too late.
its hard to let all the plans we made, the things we wanted to do ... just go.
i dont want to let you go.
but i know ive done wrong.
i know that this may be it for us...

i know i probably will never see you again.
i know i may never get a call back.
or a second chance.

and i think i could accept that.
accept you cutting me out, erasing me... if i knew that you knew who i was.
if i knew you knew how i felt.
how ive always felt.

i have been wanting to write so badly since the day you ended it.
ive had so much to say.
everything.
and i couldnt get it out.
and then its comes.
like a storm.
like a power so strong it is out of my control.
like my hands arent my own.
they have finally forced me to stop acting.
stop faking.
stop holding back.
this was all here.
always.

i hope that i can get through this.
i hope that this wont break me.
i wont let it.
even when it hurts so much i cant breathe.

i wont give up.
im strong.
i am better than that.
i wont let this defeat me.

i will have my life.
finally.

i have things to tell you i cannot type.
things you could see in my eyes.
if i could only find a way to make you look.
there are things friends have heard in my voice.
and they would tell you.
i would tell you everything.
every detail.
every bit of me.

i would let you have me. all of me.
without rules, or restraints.
without fear.

you were everything i needed in a man.
and i was so scared, so cold.
i have wounds that you know nothing about.
i was so afraid you would leave me if i showed you everything.
and if i had let you see me... would you be here?
i know now, if i had just seen you... really seen you... i would have known that you werent there to inflict more pain.
that my instincts were right.
that i can be safe here.

if i ever get the chance to see you, or hear you, or know you again.
i will see you. and you will see me.
all of me.
i have my eyes open.
and i know whether or not you ever choose to see me...
that you have given me something i will never forget.

faith.
hope.

i have faith.
in myself.
in my abilities.
in you.

thank you.

i am leaving this in your hands. do with it what you will.

- cw