***Warning, the following is just me trying to obtain some clarification in my own mind. For those that are easily bored, I suggest you avoid reading... for those that are interested, this is one of those rare glimpses at what goes on inside my head that I usually keep to myself. It's just been a little overwhelming lately and I'm hoping that writing it out will help me regain focus.
SPOILERS! (Click to view)A lot of issues have taking over most of my thoughts lately. They keep swinging my mood around from one moment to the next. One minute I'm my normal self, the next I'm drug down to a moody level, and it goes on and on. But in my head, the specific issues are going to stay... they are my issues and no one elses and only I should be burdened with them. I always try to be there for others, but never force my own problems on them. Everyone else has enough of their own issues than to have mine added to them.
It's all stupid really, most of my thoughts pertain to what's going on in my life, what's not going on, what could be, what won't be, and what I can change or must accept and move on. No one's life is how they think it should be. No one is issue free. So why do I hold myself to such a high standard that I should be in complete control of everything that affects my life and kick myself when I'm not.
The truth is there is very little I can even possibly control. Most is left in the hands of other people and random chance. I can only give other people information pertaining to the issue at hand and hope they will respond they way I would like then to, but ultimately I have no control over others. Then there is random chance... well, that's exactly what it says it is. Who can possibly control that?
I've been hitting moments where I want to be around people to help change my moods and other times where being around people shove me further down. I'm just feeling like I can't win either way. But something inside me keeps making me push back against these moods.
I don't know... I'm trying to come up with answers and solutions to all my issues. Maybe there are none and it's all just wasted energy... yet I continue to push on... determined to find some sense of control as stupid as it may seem.
I know I come across to people as someone who just goes with the flow of things and for part of it I am... because that's all I can do. But it's not by choice. There are things that get in the way of what you want that can't be moved and you have no choice but to follow where this new path leads you... maybe it's a way around the road block or maybe it leads you further away from your goal never getting back on course. There are a few blocks that if you hit them head on or enough times you can break through... these are the only things I CAN control. The question is when to give up and continue on with the flow of things. It's just so hard for me to let go of things I want and work hard for... even when I see myself drifting away from them, I still try to cling to them at times hoping that I might still be able to change something. Whether it be jobs opportunities, experiences, people... pretty much anything someone might desire in life and try so hard to get. I guess through the years I'll have to learn to be happy with what I have, accept what I can't and let them go, and learn to recognize the chances to take control of the situation and get closer to my goals.
Yeah... easier said than done.
You know....it's not such a bad thing to share what you're going through. I can understand not wanting to add to people's problems, but sometimes people might surprise you.