citrus

so,
here's this really fun exercise (there are lots, i'll try to just be random here, k ...
as though that's some new thing for me, heh)



so,
like...
subdue yourself.
for a long time.
do it because you kindof have to, though, because if you don't,
if you DON'T,
you'll overwhelm yourself.

the other day i left this silliest of voicemails and then i called again a while later to talk into the same message machine about how silly i can be and how much i can be weird and how, sometimes, it's just hard to live with myself.

so after you've done this subduction (is that a word? ... webster i'm coming ... no i don't mean that short guy from eighties television who snuck upstairs behind the grandfather clock, and no i don't mean that i've been stimulated so well that my beautiful reproductive organs are dribbling evidence ... what i mean is that i need some reference material to figure out "subduction")
so it's a word, but not exactly the word i was looking for, but semi-metaphorically applies, plus you're onto my initial intention, so we're going with that one.
uhm.
after the subduction, after you've dragged yourself down,
let go.
just ... be convinced you were only born yesterday ...
that you were only born yesterday and you believe that everything is really good.
i mean, so what if you've always stood by some sense of the perfection of existence as is,
just ... do it - believe that your dreams can come true.
i promise you'll be surprised. and if your dreams don't come true,
just keep believing, but don't depend on anyone in that codependent way. and be really special about who you rely on. make sure they know you and you know them. be sure you're in love - and this doesn't have as much to do with sexuality or whatever, being in love.
know yourself. you were born yesterday, remember. you are exactly as you are and it's perfect, remember?

okay.
just checking.
not that it makes too much sense, but i'm doing this for me.

and now,
after a word from our sponsor,
we have "commentary"

dear renaud,
your internship sounds super exciting.
i'm fine, thanks ... i've just been chillin' - working, the job is fine. i haven't been to the jazz club recently and it's a shame. i miss my girl who works there. but i just have to be pretty particular about what i spend my time doing and i'd rather hang out with my girl where we're not at her work and where we can hear each other or just party down. i haven't been to the restaurant in months and i'm really okay with that. it's interesting. sometimes i feel a little irked that i came here with one idea in mind and i haven't really followed through with it, but it's sortof the story of my life. the chef was burnt out, i was exhausted from having four hours' sleep on the regular, and i did some other thinking/seeking and just determined that i'm okay this way ... for now. i can bet i'll change my mind and motivate in some direction soon.
the bunch is good. five of us recently went to california together - wine country... it was beautiful. i met up with vim and his little sweetness and we drank wine and hung around on a bunch of beautiful property. my mouth waters just thinking about it. my phone still works. i have your number too. we're lazy, aren't we? haha! and busy, i know.
no worries - things are just dandy.

dear vitamin e,
i love you and you know it. you love me, and you make it clear, somehow. we know the whole story about your comment by now. i'll see you on thursday.

dear zephyra,
i miss you. i miss you i miss you, i miss you. but from time to time i can get on this here website and catch up a bit. it seemed to me, last time i checked, that you have got it made!

you so deserve it.

dear X1,
i miss you, also. i miss your voice, too. i think it's special that we can listen to each other through little drawn lines. OR BIG ONES!
there are lots of things i think of when i remember you. i darenot say there aren't enough. i make with what i've got.
but that doesn't make the first part of this paragraph untrue.
it's so fascinating to me how we miss and know and cherish people for their very own individuality. it's interesting for me to think about what we get from them versus what others do. ah... my brain gets bonkers when i want to be with you right now. weird.
kiss the chop, will you - i mean, y'know, an extra one from me.

dear hollygolightly,
i had a great time that night, though i don't remember what night it was or what we were doing but i DO remember that i spoke with you though i don't remember what i said.
you can tell greg whatever whatever yourself. he's a good man.
get thee here quickly. nyc can be one hell of a ride... i think you'll be very much in love, but you know what they say about that kind of thing -
or maybe not, but it's just as hard as it is easy, it's stronger than softer, it's a lot of fun, for sure. we can take it together, but i'll give you a headstart because i'm taking my sweet time right these days.

dear littlecooter,
dear, dear littlecooter. i miss you, too. a lot.
i look at our pictures a lot and it makes me feel funny. i think we'd be good best friends. i just, as you were telling the story, imagined us living together and although i've never lived with a woman before (besides my mother and the standard short stays, etc, and that's also about to change for a longish bit) i think we'd be swell together.
there's lots about you that i should marry. i was thinking and talking after you had gone, maybe i even told you - i hope so, that i felt so much more at home having you here. i know it could be anywhere,
but i want to encourage you to keep going and believing that you can do that travel nurse thing because age is an attitude and you'll be ON IT. i want to know about your summer classes and your R.N. status and all kinds of stuff. i'll try to read up,
but i also want you to know that you can't go around thinking you're responsible for that man or the love between you alone... if it works it works and if it's real you can come back to it and ... who the hell knows if they don't proof it out?
i miss looking into your windows. it's achey like that, i miss it so.

dear helper,
hey there, mister.
it's funny you use that quote because i've lately been super literal about that word "disappointment".
it's good meeting you, too. will i see you thursday? i hope so. we should do a cheer together. i want you to help me make noise, or make other people make noise, or something!

soon, then?

dear cupofkarma,
i went to cali for the fourth!
actually, we came back ON the fourth, but five of us, all female, went to northern california to hang out with one of the girls' parents. they have a lot of gorgeous property and a house to accomodate a large family and we all felt super welcome. we went wine tasting and picnicing and hiking and we visited a cold coast and hung out and ate lots and laughed and swam and basked in the brilliant sun and i met vim and smiled so much i think my face just felt like falling off.
i'm giddy about it. but that's what i did. i watched fireworks on t.v. from the plane. how about you? did you have much fun?

dear helper,
you're clever. that's super cute.

dear pmvirgin,
where'd you go, dude? i am "back".
happy days!
thank you. what about silly songs?!?!

dear masaba,

i miss you, too. i want to see you when i come to dallas in the winter.
thank you for not banishing me but i'd've tracked you down if you had.

dear helper,
thanks for another message. it's nice that you're persistent and come here to check it out.
i added you as a friend now, so you can watch if i ever update, though it's obviously seldom.
thursday thursday thursday!!!

dear hollygolightly,
missss youuuuu!

dear littlecooter,
i haven't been on. the only computer i can ever get to is a friend's or the one at the library or the pay ones or work. work is most often available but of course has places like THIS blocked! i'm gonna take your suggestion and look at julie.
hmmmm.





so alright then.
that's that for now.
i'll be back.
maybe even TOMORROW!!!!!